#1
Tis a poem i wrote about 2 minutes ago.
It was just what came to head, it has no consistency.


Mothers, lock up your children...
White fear,
It's back in town.
It's here to say, try to barre the frown.
It's not going away, nothing will stop it now.
It's gained momentum, it's going to rape you now.
It's got no name, a face has not.
It's pain is immense, possible, you thought not.
It's blood spilling will be endless, yet still no face.
It's list of victims will continue to grow.
It's got a name.
It's face is you.

The paradox may be, f*ck me, and f*ck you.

F*ck your own minds,
Do what you can,
Reach for the sky, and pull down the ashes.
Going to the doctor, will not help this pain.
It's irrepairable, your efforts in vain.
Once you swallow it, prepare for the solution.
Empty your minds of the worthless pollution.
The black man did it, the c*nt is wrong.
You godd*mn camel jockey's have no place here.
Beaner, quit taking my job.
While i get the mcdonalds, to indulge in my fear.
Sit on my ass, the glasses are too thick to peer.
I am lost, no path to find.
This is a problem Einstein couldn't unwind.
The problem is us, we create our own problems.
What they tell us may not be so.
Trust in ourselves, and in the right way we will go.
The man sure was right when he said it, and we fell victum to,
well....WE FELL VICTIM TO THE MAN.
NOT JUST ANY MAN.
THE MAN IS PLAYING YOU.
YOU DO NOT COUNT.
ENJOY YOUR STAY, NOW LEARN MY LANGUAGE.


If you are confused, it is about american's (I'm an american) being racist, and worrying about everything, but what should be worried about, and generally succumbing to fear.
Gear:
Ibanez RG550 20th RFR
Traynor YCV50
Fender FMT HH Tele
Mesa Boogie 2ch Triple Rectifier
2 1x12 custom Theile cabs
ISP Decimator
Krank Kranshaft
Boss BF-2 Flanger
BBE Sonic Maximizer
#2
Great poem. The theme carried throughout of something bigger than a man inducing pain was amazing. I really enjoyed reading this poem, nice work.

During the end though, I would suggest not rhyming man with man... It broke the general flow you had going.

But besides that, nice job.
#3
I love it, it's really powerful, and I love the overall theme. I kind of got a "we are going to be the end of ourselves" vibe, which I adored. "ENJOY YOUR STAY, NOW LEARN MY LANGUAGE." I loved that, very strong line to end it with in my opinion. Great job, keep it up man.
#4
Quote by sum_ugly_man
I love it, it's really powerful, and I love the overall theme. I kind of got a "we are going to be the end of ourselves" vibe, which I adored. "ENJOY YOUR STAY, NOW LEARN MY LANGUAGE." I loved that, very strong line to end it with in my opinion. Great job, keep it up man.

thanks man!
I was a bit unsure about the last line.
Gear:
Ibanez RG550 20th RFR
Traynor YCV50
Fender FMT HH Tele
Mesa Boogie 2ch Triple Rectifier
2 1x12 custom Theile cabs
ISP Decimator
Krank Kranshaft
Boss BF-2 Flanger
BBE Sonic Maximizer
#5
hey man, i sent you a pm about your amp in your profile, but as long as I'm here i'll tell you what i think of your poem.

I thought the theme was a very unique idea, dont see many poems about white people being scared. I really enjoyed it though. I really liked the two lines "I am lost no path to find, this is a problem einstein couldnt unwind" and the line "It's gaining momentum, its going to rape you now" scared me. Reading the second part really threw me in another direction considering how different they are which was really a nice effect, like you were showing two different view points over the subject, one when the fear is more of a thing and the second when fear is more inanimate. To sum it all up, i thought it was a great poem. Kinda makes me wanna start to write a poem or song right now but i'm too tired. Later dude
Epiphone LP Cust. w/ SD '59 neck and Cust. 5 bridge
Fender MIA Stratocaster
Traynor YCV50
Vox AD30VT
Dunlop SW-95 Wah
ElectroHarmonix Big Muff Pi w/ Tone Wicker
ElectroHarmonix Small Clone
We roll tonight, To the guitar bite
#6
Quote by Chuckleberry
hey man, i sent you a pm about your amp in your profile, but as long as I'm here i'll tell you what i think of your poem.

I thought the theme was a very unique idea, dont see many poems about white people being scared. I really enjoyed it though. I really liked the two lines "I am lost no path to find, this is a problem einstein couldnt unwind" and the line "It's gaining momentum, its going to rape you now" scared me. Reading the second part really threw me in another direction considering how different they are which was really a nice effect, like you were showing two different view points over the subject, one when the fear is more of a thing and the second when fear is more inanimate. To sum it all up, i thought it was a great poem. Kinda makes me wanna start to write a poem or song right now but i'm too tired. Later dude

Alright man, i checked the PM.

Thanks man. You should attempt writing some stuff. After you write something its hard to not think about writing more.
Gear:
Ibanez RG550 20th RFR
Traynor YCV50
Fender FMT HH Tele
Mesa Boogie 2ch Triple Rectifier
2 1x12 custom Theile cabs
ISP Decimator
Krank Kranshaft
Boss BF-2 Flanger
BBE Sonic Maximizer
#7
Quote by kool98769
Tis a poem i wrote about 2 minutes ago.
It was just what came to head, it has no consistency.
That's actually a big factor in this piece for me. At least the intro. It feels too disjointed and hardly has connection. When that connection is lost, it's no longer a song; it's a speech trying to be a song.


Mothers, lock up your children...
White fear,
It's back in town.
It's here to say, try to barre the frown.
It's not going away, nothing will stop it now.
It's gained momentum, it's going to rape you now.
Did not like these two lines, though all the lines before it held together a decent rhythm. Both of these lines were superfluous on syllables. The first was cliche, and the usage of "rape" in the second wasn't stellar.
It's got no name, a face has not.
The usage of "not" wasn't a very effective way of ending the line.
It's pain is immense, possible, you thought not.
Sorry, but this line was really bad on multiple things. The rhyme was very forced, considering it's the same word, and the rhythm was forced as well, partially because of the syllable count, and partially because of the yoda-like comma dance in the middle.
It's blood spilling will be endless, yet still no face.
It's list of victims will continue to grow.
It's got a name.
It's face is you.
This didn't feel like an effective way to reveal what can be a pretty important piece of the song.

The paradox may be, f*ck me, and f*ck you.
"You" here inadvertantly tries to rhyme with its previous usage. Moreso, the internal rhyme is used poorly here. Switch the two "f*ck"s, and replace "and" with a comma, which gives the full stop needed for a full rhythm, and gets some parralelism between the two "f*ck"s.

F*ck your own minds,
Do what you can,
Reach for the sky, and pull down the ashes.
I didn't understand the boldening here, but I'm sure it has a purpose. Line three should have been split up.
Going to the doctor, will not help this pain.
It's irrepairable, your efforts in vain.
The first line doesn't need the comma, and the second line has a forced flow to it, partially because of the usage of "irrepairable".
Once you swallow it, prepare for the solution.
Empty your minds of the worthless pollution.
The black man did it, the c*nt is wrong.
You godd*mn camel jockey's have no place here.
Your rhyme scheme in this stanza has been AABB, so the lack of a rhyme here irked me.
Beaner, quit taking my job.
The comma at the beginning helps your rhythm and speed here, but you still need another syllable. How's about "..., I said...".
While i get the mcdonalds, to indulge in my fear.
"McDonald's"? It didn't seem like it was a good time to whip that out.
Sit on my ass, the glasses are too thick to peer.
"Glasses" wasn't a great image.
I am lost, no path to find.
This is a problem Einstein couldn't unwind.
The problem is us, we create our own problems.
What they tell us may not be so.
Trust in ourselves, and in the right way we will go.
The man sure was right when he said it, and we fell victum to,
well....WE FELL VICTIM TO THE MAN.
NOT JUST ANY MAN.
THE MAN IS PLAYING YOU.
YOU DO NOT COUNT.
ENJOY YOUR STAY, NOW LEARN MY LANGUAGE.


If you are confused, it is about american's (I'm an american) being racist, and worrying about everything, but what should be worried about, and generally succumbing to fear.


I have to go, so I can't crit the rest of this.

DONT return the crit, as mine is over a week old.
#8
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I have to go, so I can't crit the rest of this.

DONT return the crit, as mine is over a week old.

Word, thanks man.
Although, i think you may have gone in with the wrong mindset into this piece. I wasn't attempting to maintain any constant rhythm, or anything like that. it is strictly a free verse poem.

The FDR was bold because of his famous saying
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
The poem was based around this central idea.
Gear:
Ibanez RG550 20th RFR
Traynor YCV50
Fender FMT HH Tele
Mesa Boogie 2ch Triple Rectifier
2 1x12 custom Theile cabs
ISP Decimator
Krank Kranshaft
Boss BF-2 Flanger
BBE Sonic Maximizer