#1
This is a sort of retelling of "The Dirty Dirty Five Thirty", which has a strong possibility of getting cut entirely, edited with Zack's advice in mind.

As with the other, there are parts I like and parts I don't--I'm not sure if it's effective as a whole.

Anyway, here:

The Small Town Let Down

With honest-eyes, and a pregnant mouth,
A boy packed up his sigh and frown
To try and coax the words out
With each desperate chord.
When Casey pulled his fingers across aching strings
The hook sank deep and began drawing
A girl by the mouth as he tried to sing.
Casey played a sorry tune,
while Helen just played tragic.

She thought he looked alright,
But it was only the limelight
He thought she looked polite,
But it was only the barlight

It was a Grand Theft Masquerade,
She took his heart as he took the stage.
Their ink is bleeding off this page,
As others are waiting up.
Grand Theft, with no sirens
Her siren song, he tried to sing
When his fingers plucked among the strings
But the lines stuck in his jaw.


She poured him a drink that looked like piss,
And with shaking hands, he took a sip
She bites back a smile, he just bites his lip
As he swallows every word.
Like an artist, she tore his sleeve
Where he wore his heart, he now wears a breeze,
She said “I’m sorry, those things make me sneeze”
And pressed it to a shelf.
Next to a hollow horse
and pictures of herself.

He thought she was singing,
But he wasn’t looking
She whispered awful things
As The piano was drinking

It was a Grand Theft Masquerade,
She took his heart as he took the stage.
Their ink is bleeding off this page,
As others are waiting up.
Grand Theft, with no sirens
Her siren song, was on his lips
When her hands pressed into his hips
But the words stuck in his jaw.

There was bourbon on Casey’s breath
And Helen’s eyes looked like death,
Soon he began to forget
Mary and the logical.


He looked into that muddy mirror
Sometimes called pity, more often fear
Where his features were sunk and smeared
Along a brittle glass

And they got careless with their souls
beside some dusty, backlit road
Sometimes hell is just so warm
You can’t help but step in.


--maybe a bridge? Another chorus? Any tips are appreciated--


Raise your hopes
To black flag heights
Gravity’s at dawn
So enjoy your night.

Well Casey was a lovely boy
But Helen thought him more a toy
Like some tragic plastic Troy
She couldn’t wait to pretty up.
It was a grand theft masquerade
That tore a curling diary page
In two; in time, things would assuage,
Like flames can seal a wound.

He still sings those sorry tunes.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#2
I really like "The Dirty Dirty Five Thirty" quite a bit. This has definitely up-ed the game though, and I really enjoyed reading this. It mended many of the parts of that didn't flow in the other song.


And towards the end, I would suggest playing the chorus again, but perhaps try a more stripped down version of it. If you get what i'm say haha. But hey, I'm rambling. Don't listen to me :P