#1
So it's been a while since I've posted anything, and wrote anything for that matter. Please forgive the quality, i wrote it a minute ago. Crits are welcome and I'll duly crit others, if provided with a link. So this piece is titled


All discrepancies aside

...and as she leaned in towards me
to even feign any sign of interest, she
pulls away with not even an ounce
of subtlety.

She starts slipping from my reach.

Her body, once tender and innocent,
now left bloodied and battered
as she lay on the floor of
a cheap motel room.

She falls further away.

I walk into room 203 to see this girl
whom i was once quite close to/
laying motionless, held together by what only
seems to be tubed and machines.

At least i thought it was her.

Her face, once compared to a rose,
with the most innocent eyes one could imagine,
now looks like a vegetable, with cold
dark eyes which seem to stare
through your very soul.

She's getting good at that.

They say wishing death upon somebody
is such a harsh thing to contemplate,
but if I ever do see the people whom violated
and attacked the girl of my dreams, even though
she had messed with my mind...

...may god have mercy on their souls.
I hate my username, it all happened in a rush


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#2
hey cam.


All discrepancies aside

...and as she leaned in towards me
to even feign any sign of interest, she
pulls away with not even an ounce
of subtlety.

Well, first thing I noticed was the tense issue. 'Leaned' and 'pulls'. You're either in past tense or present tense. Choose wisely . I'm struggling with some of the phrasing here. It's almost like you've missed something out. Idk. I like the rhyme (whether intentional or not) between me and subtlety. Your language is always really... elegant? if that's the right word... it's a good thing.

She starts slipping from my reach.

Her body, once tender and innocent,
now left bloodied and battered
as she lay on the floor of
a cheap motel room.

I'd change 'as' to 'where'. Good word choice overall though. I'm guessing you're writing in present tense, due to what follows. If that's true, then I'd change it to 'innocent is now' and 'as she lies (or is it lays? yeah, lays).

She falls further away.

I walk into room 203 to see this girl
whom i was once quite close to/
laying motionless, held together by what only
seems to be tubed and machines.

I don't like 'this girl'. I'm guessing you feel strongly towards the girl, I mean, you wrote a piece about her, and the latter lines imply that in any case. Make it more personal. And 'once quite close to'? Stronger, more emotionally connected. And, what's with the / ? And, 'tubes', not tubed.

At least i thought it was her.

Her face, once compared to a rose,
with the most innocent eyes one could imagine,
now looks like a vegetable, with cold
dark eyes which seem to stare
through your very soul.

I feel this is too blunt. I'd prefer this to feel more 'human' in the way it reads. ie. 'She used to have a face like a rose, with...' 'but now she looks like...' I also don't like the double use of eyes... Maybe change the latter to pupils, or irises... or use a metaphor?

She's getting good at that.

I like this line a lot.

They say wishing death upon somebody
is such a harsh thing to contemplate,
but if I ever do see the people whom violated
and attacked the girl of my dreams, even though
she had messed with my mind...

...may god have mercy on their souls.

This seems a bit too angsty... idk. the last three lines of the last stanza... i'd like to see reworked. It's too proper, in a way... I'd even prefer it as 'but if i ever do see the people who destroyed the girl of my dreams'. I think the 'even though she messed...' is weak and badly placed. If you reworked the ending this would be a lot stronger IMO.

Anywho, that's all I got for now.
Overall I liked it, but there's potential for improvement for sure.
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