#1
If I cannot live
then I cannot die.
Mind altering.
What is me? Who is I?

Twist me around.
Delight in the sound.
The twisting, the squirming,
the screaming out loud.

All tastes and smell.
See I will not tell.
Love me, seduce me,
drag me right down to Hell.

I like the touch.
Adrenaline rush.
Take more and need more.
It is never too much.

All give and take.
Boundaries are fake.
Let's see if it's
love or hate that we make.
#2
Quote by Solemn Silence
If I cannot live
then I cannot die.
Mind altering.
What is me? Who is I?
I really like the rhyming you are setting up here.

Twist me around.
Delight in the sound.
The twisting, the squirming,
the screaming out loud.
The use of 'twist' twice in this stanza hurt the piece a bit for me.

All tastes and smell.
See I will not tell.
Love me, seduce me,
drag me right down to Hell.
This was cool, but are you planning on elaborating on what you 'will not tell'?

I like the touch.
Adrenaline rush.
Great hook
Take more and need more.
It is never too much.

All give and take.
Boundaries are fake.
These lines seem too short and choppy...
Let's see if it's
love or hate that we make.



This was great. Really. Very catchy.
What genre are you going for here?
#3
Over all I hated it except "If I cannot live
then I cannot die.
Mind altering.
What is me? Who is I?"

Who is I really really pwns. super wicked rhyme there.

Other than that i'm sorry its was below average.
#4
Well thanks for the crit both of you. I kinda wrote it just as a poem, but I might use some of the stanzas in a kind of experimental metal song.