#1
Verse
I see your name in the papers
I hear it on the radio
The one who has been beaten
The one who will never breathe again
Suspects, none are known,
You can’t trust anyone
Those eyes they will defy
Until the day they die

Pre-chorus
Did you wish to die that Night?
Did you not lock the door up twice?
Was the window open?
Did you not check to save your life?


can anyone help with the next bit, ive been stuck for ages on a chorus and cant really find anything that fits.
#2
Okay here is my breakdown.
The first few lines in the verse were great, but after that, it faded a bit into nothing special until the last two lines, which again were good.
The pre-chorus was very well done, but I would change the wording form "did you not" to "didn't you" or something else, it gets a bit wordy.

I would be willing to help you with a chorus, but I won 't write it for you, edit the thread and add in a rough idea of some sort, and we can play with it. I'd recommend being a bit more blunt in the chorus, talking about the actual event that is being described.

This has a lot of promise.
#3
thanks for the crit, ill think of something blunt for the chorus and get it posted, and ill make the changes about 'did you not', and ill try change the verse after the first few lines, as i dont want a really short verse as at first it was 4 lines so i added more lines for a bit more length.

thanks again for the crit!