#1
Cut me some slack, I wrote this in maybe 5 minutes for someone important to me. Please forgive me the simplicity and cliches. Not even really sure why I'm throwing it up here, but why not? Oh and c4c, as long as it actually IS a crit.

I have a friend
Who calls herself December
Although everything about her
reminds me of spring
And though she lives so far away
I swear I’ll leave this town someday
And we’ll run.


I have this friend
And she calls herself a dreamer
But she shines even brighter
When she’s awake.
And though she lives so far away
Excuse me if this sounds cliché
But we’ll run,
run away.
Last edited by Skaliveson at Jul 27, 2008,
#2
Quote by Skaliveson
Cut me some slack, I wrote this in maybe 5 minutes for someone important to me. Not even really sure why I'm throwing it up here, but why not?

I have a friend
Who calls herself December
Although everything about her
reminds me of spring
This is nice; especially because Spring is my favourite season ^^ This start is really.. heart warming
And though she lives so far away
I swear I’ll leave this town someday
And we’ll run.
This reminds me of something I worte about; the topic is majourly the same and the idea of running away's the same... This is peculiar my friend xD


I have this friend
And she calls herself a dreamer
But she shines even brighter
When she’s awake.
And though she lives so far away
Excuse me if this sounds cliché
But we’ll run,
run away.
Beautiful; nothing more.


This was small but had such a nice feeling attached; it's just cute... Nice work (this still reminds me of a piece I wrote, but nicest ) (yours)
#4
Quote by Skaliveson
Please forgive me the simplicity and cliches.
nnnope.
those are exactly what gives this its charm. why would we forgive that?

this is nice just the way it is.

or you could add one more stanza
in the same style as the two already present.

or you could start a third stanza with
"She has a friend"
then make that one about what you call yourself.
Meadows
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#5
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
nnnope.
or you could start a third stanza with
"She has a friend"
then make that one about what you call yourself.


I definitely was considering a third stanza, but when I wrote it, this was all that popped out, and I didn't want to force anything. If I get any inspiration, a third stanza is definitely on it's way. That is quite an interesting idea, for how I could start a third verse, thanks a lot, SYK.
#6
Quote by Skaliveson

I have a friend
Who calls herself December <- good start
Although everything about her
reminds me of spring
And though she lives so far away
I swear I’ll leave this town someday
And we’ll run.


I have this friend
And she calls herself a dreamer
But she shines even brighter
When she’s awake.
And though she lives so far away
Excuse me if this sounds cliché <- No, it doesnt, however I think this line should be changed to something better
But we’ll run,
run away. <- try 'far away', see if it sounds better.


I like this piece, it was very heartwarming. Sort of reminds me of a movie somewhere.
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#7
Quote by Skaliveson
Cut me some slack, I wrote this in maybe 5 minutes for someone important to me. Please forgive me the simplicity and cliches. Not even really sure why I'm throwing it up here, but why not? Oh and c4c, as long as it actually IS a crit.

OK

I have a friend
Who calls herself December
Although everything about her
reminds me of spring
And though she lives so far away
I swear I’ll leave this town someday
And we’ll run.


OMG, this is such a f*cking cliche........this is a piece of shit writing and you can't do nothing right......

I'm just messing wit ya....
Seriously, something that you wrote within like five minutes had a good flow and a good start. The second line of this stanza felt like it was an original, and the tone of it was great....Great stanza



I have this friend
And she calls herself a dreamer
But she shines even brighter
When she’s awake.
And though she lives so far away
Excuse me if this sounds cliché
But we’ll run,
run away.

Again, I like the tonality of this stanza....I also like how you put the interrupting thought in the third to last line, which I find that it adds emphasis over this poem as well as the repetition from the last stanza...




Overall, it was actually a pretty good read....and I enjoyed its simplicity and shortness....

whenever you get the chance, here's my piece, It's kind of the opposite of yours :
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=917615
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#8
Quote by Skaliveson
Cut me some slack, I wrote this in maybe 5 minutes for someone important to me. Please forgive me the simplicity and cliches. Not even really sure why I'm throwing it up here, but why not? Oh and c4c, as long as it actually IS a crit.

I have a friend
Who calls herself December
Although everything about her
reminds me of spring
And though she lives so far away
I swear I’ll leave this town someday
And we’ll run.
This has an excellent rhythm for being this complex, and for being written in 5 minutes. Wording is a tad cliche, but what isn't?

I have this friend
And she calls herself a dreamer
But she shines even brighter
When she’s awake.
And though she lives so far away
Excuse me if this sounds cliché
But we’ll run,
run away.
This was even more cliche.


Overall, the rhythm, flow, rhyme and structure was excellent. I think that it put a lot of power into your words. It's just that your wording wasn't very powerful. Still a great piece.
#9
Quote by Skaliveson
Cut me some slack, I wrote this in maybe 5 minutes for someone important to me. Please forgive me the simplicity and cliches. Not even really sure why I'm throwing it up here, but why not? Oh and c4c, as long as it actually IS a crit.

I have a friend
Who calls herself December
Although everything about her
reminds me of spring
And though she lives so far away
The repitition of "although" and "though" is poor.
I swear I’ll leave this town someday
And we’ll run.
Apart from this line, which doesn't suit, there is nothing to become overly worked up about. That is both a positive and negative comment so have at it!


I have this friend
And she calls herself a dreamer
But she shines even brighter
When she’s awake.
This is great writing, I don't see any cliches, and if I did, **** it!
And though she lives so far away
Excuse me if this sounds cliché
But we’ll run,
run away.
Your excused.


Nice work for something so quickly wrote up. Even as a piece that has been mulled over for a few days, its still a nice little read, theres very little I can grope at.

Digitally Clean
#10
"Cute" is the word that comes to mind when I read your piece, but thats a good thing. Females will love it for that very reason. There might be some minor tweaks you can make but overall it is a great piece to be written in only 5 minutes. The only thing that I don't overly like is the line "Excuse me if this sounds cliché". Having a line which interrupts there works well however there's just something about that line which bugs me.... and I can't put my finger on it (which bugs me even more!)

Also,
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew

you could add one more stanza
in the same style as the two already present.

or you could start a third stanza with
"She has a friend"
then make that one about what you call yourself.

That is a brilliant idea! do it! DO IT NOW!!! lol

Summing up, it is a great piece. I really liked it. Cute
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