#1
I watched the tall ships sail in
Large wooden vessel, filled with russian men.
Asked a passerby why sailors wear white
He said "there ain't any bloodshed in an ocean fight."

Almost noon in Norfolk
Halfpast two in Hollywood
Maybe I'll join the Navy.
At this age my father would.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#2
Quote by freshtunes
I watched the tall ships sail in
Large wooden vessel, filled with russian men.
Asked a passerby why sailors wear white
He said "there ain't any bloodshed in an ocean fight."
This line is simply delightful. The whole section has a great tone to it here.

Almost noon in Norfolk
Halfpast two in Hollywood
This line seems a bit long (?)
Maybe I'll join the Navy.
At this age my father would.
Why 'would'?


Pretty simple, but it reads well, and is interesting enough. I like it.
#3
Quote by freshtunes
I watched the tall ships sail in
Tad bit of a mouthful at the end.
Large wooden vessel, filled with russian men.
Asked a passerby why sailors wear white
He said "there ain't any bloodshed in an ocean fight."
Great line. Great freaking line.

Almost noon in Norfolk
Halfpast two in Hollywood
Maybe I'll join the Navy.
At this age my father would.
The last couple is good.


Short and sweet. I liked it. Crit mine if you want.
#4
Tad bit of a mouthful? How so?
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
i can see that you're straying away from your previous style quite often now. i don't know if these are attempts to develop a new take on how you write......and i suppose it doesn't really matter because it's none of my damn business.
i will tell you though, out of pure and simple honesty, i much prefer your old stuff over your new stuff.

as far as this piece goes, it was good. but there wasn't any grip that came along with it. nothing to make me grit my teeth, or wonder why i'm smiling at the end.
....so, if i could offer any helpful advice; i'd say to just pay a little more attention to the audience you're presenting it to. plain and simple.
i know it wasn't much of a crit, but i've seen you posting less and less lately, and you need to know that your writing is missed. alot.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
Quote by freshtunes
I watched the tall ships sail in
Large wooden vessel, filled with russian men.
Asked a passerby why sailors wear white
He said "there ain't any bloodshed in an ocean fight."(I love this line like everyone else)

Almost noon in Norfolk
Halfpast two in Hollywood(wordy)
Maybe I'll join the Navy.
At this age my father would.



Good resolve towards the end. Nice little piece. Not a lot to be said, it was enjoyable and wasnt missing a whole lot.

Crit top song in my signature please.
#9
I'm going to edit to elaborate a bit.
I loved the first stanza.
I liked the first two lines of the second,
then I think it let down.
As Carmel says below me, it leaves me wanting more, but I think half in a good way and half because the last two lines, especially the last line, didn't end the piece for me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jul 31, 2008,
#10
I don't know if it's because I've travelled a lot, but I found something beyond the words here. Yes, it's simple and yes most of the lines can be developed into beautiful full length stanzas, but sometimes leaving the reader wanting more, wishing there was more... I dunno, it works for me here.

I thought the first two lines were a bit of a mess with the singular/plural confusion and I thought the third line was quite strange on the grammar. Just felt awkward.

But overall this had a certain magic to it.
This is not a pipe
#11

i liked the first part. but i prefered your one with the man and girl with strange names talking.




love is a dog from hell.



#14
I actually felt like this has been one of my better pieces. For some reason I feel a strong bond with it.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror