#1
The great tree has fallen
but no one heard the sound

Your grey nails have swollen
your lover can't be found

Blood bandits came, they took your jewels, they took your gold
they stole your stories you once told me
by the dim light of the TV on thanksgiving
and all I had left, when you left, was your memory

The branches fell, I'm to blame
you found me on the ground

She clubbed your brain, and it's a shame
they found you on the ground


feedback? it's still rough, especially in the "Blood bandits" segment
#2
Well I could not do a lot to tell you correctly what needs to be done, beause I dont know how it is supposed to be sung.

But, IMO

Blood bandits came, took your jewels, took your gold
Stole the stories you once told
By the dim light of the TV on thanksgiving
...And all I had left, when you left, was your memory
#3
Thank you for the feedback, and the word "me" is one of the things I though about removing, but I put it in to keep with the "ee" sounds of "TV", "thanksgiving", and "memory"

so I dunno, I'll work on it
#4
Oh, I forgot to explain myself! Ill do so now. First of all I took out the "they"s in the first line because it kinda harms how it is read when the subject is constantly mentioned. Same with the start of the second line, it just kind of kills the flow of the whole piece to keep saying "they." It really is not a great word IMO.

Me has got to go because the end pretty much sums up that its you who are thinking about her. The rhyme constant is also pretty bad. ><
#5
Quote by TheHeroicCoward

The great tree has fallen
Not a fan of the word 'great' here, maybe a type of tree (oak, pine, etc) would be a better descriptor.
but no one heard the sound

Your grey nails have swollen
your lover can't be found
I love this part, the rhyming makes it fit very well, and the imagery is great.

Blood bandits came, they took your jewels, they took your gold
they stole your stories you once told me
This is an interesting concept, I like it.
by the dim light of the TV on thanksgiving
and all I had left, when you left, was your memory
I agree completely with TormentedRx about the wording here... the lines seem way too long.

The branches fell, I'm to blame
you found me on the ground

She clubbed your brain, and it's a shame
Maybe "what a shame" instead of "and it's a shame", IMO of course.
they found you on the ground


feedback? it's still rough, especially in the "Blood bandits" segment


I liked this a lot, there was some good imagery going on here, and it is filled up with hooks.
#6
Actually instead of "She clubbed your brain" use the word "mind" for "brain." That would make your rhyme fit much better, much more like the first two pairs.
#7
On the verse, to add tightness to it, you could put rhyming words in the second and fourth line of it, like

1-
2-me... ...bee...
3-
4-school... ...wool...

Sorry for those pretty bad rhymes but they were the only ones to pop in my mind as examples. It's because putting four lines that really don't have anything to do with each other except something ressembling a theme mainly and very honestly sucks.
I love music, if music would be a girl then I'd date her, until then let's get back on Earth
#8
Quote by TormentedRx
Oh, I forgot to explain myself! Ill do so now. First of all I took out the "they"s in the first line because it kinda harms how it is read when the subject is constantly mentioned. Same with the start of the second line, it just kind of kills the flow of the whole piece to keep saying "they." It really is not a great word IMO.

Me has got to go because the end pretty much sums up that its you who are thinking about her. The rhyme constant is also pretty bad. ><


Okay, that is good feedback! I really think that the "they's" should go now because I don't really need to repeat it so much

and yeah, the "me" doesn't need to be there either

This song's written about my dead grandfather. A little background I guess