#1
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
But silence stole the table
and assumed its normal place.
To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste.

The mans stubble,
like thorns that curse kisses,
that mark his territory,
after years of frequent trade,
have found solace elsewhere.
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
silence stole the table once more.

And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love
was all she could ask for.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
in books or on Opera,
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone.
#2
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
But silence stole the table
Personification is always good. This isn't the most subtle use of it, but it is effective nonetheless.
and assumed its normal place.
To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste.
Awesome little use of the parallel structure here.

The mans stubble,
like thorns that curse kisses,
that mark his territory,
after years of frequent trade,
have found solace elsewhere.
This took a couple reads for me to fully grip, but I really like the wording here
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
silence stole the table once more.

And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love
was all she could ask for.
Very cool, contrasts well with the man's description.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
in books or on Opera,
I liked this.
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone.
This is nice, but a bit of an easy ending. It isn't bad, but a step down from the rest.


This is one of my favorites that I have read of your pieces.
#3
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
But silence stole the table
and assumed its normal place.
To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste. < I like the flow of this first stanza.

The mans stubble, <- *man's
like thorns that curse kisses,
that mark his territory,
after years of frequent trade,
have found solace elsewhere.
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
silence stole the table once more.

And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love
was all she could ask for.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
in books or on Opera,
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone. <- The frequent repitition of 'love worked really well.


Overall pretty good piece. Maybe extend it a bit more? I get the feeling of wanting more to the story since this poem pretty much sets the scene and introduces the characters.

thanks for the crit
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
Cash: Quiet.
Laces out Danny: The song is essentially an introduction to the characters, though I can see the need for expounding on this. It was late, and this is all that poped out.
#6
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
But silence stole the table
and assumed its normal place.
To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste.
Good start I like it.

The mans stubble,
like thorns that curse kisses,
that mark his territory,
after years of frequent trade,
have found solace elsewhere.
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
silence stole the table once more.
I think this stanza ended rather abruptly. The last line is good but it seems like you are missing something in this one.

And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love
was all she could ask for.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
in books or on Opera,
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone.
Too much use of the word love in the stanza makes it sound weird. Mix it up or get a thesaurus because it sounds awkward.


Over all I think it is a good start. I think that especially the second verse should be expanded more and you need to check some of the rhymes in some places, but its a good start.
#7
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
But silence stole the table
and assumed its normal place.
To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste.(great so far)

The mans stubble,
like thorns that curse kisses,(lovely)
that mark his territory,(I dunno about this line.)
after years of frequent trade,
have found solace elsewhere.
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
silence stole the table once more.(good theme going)

And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love(I like "boycott")
was all she could ask for.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
in books or on Opera,
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone.(nice)



I really liked this, a few lines were off but other than that good job.
C4C, Hidden we'll remain in sig.
#8
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
But silence stole the table
and assumed its normal place.
To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste.

I liked this stanza, but the last line just felt like it didn't flow right and broke the tone some, I think....it would be better if you replaced 'was' with 'would be'

The mans stubble,
like thorns that curse kisses,
that mark his territory,
after years of frequent trade,
have found solace elsewhere.
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
silence stole the table once more.

I like the alliteration in the second line and the simile....good flow and tone...Now there's two meanings to stubble which is referred here as him not shaving for a day or two and then it also means stalks in the ground after harvest, thus the territory thing seems to also justify the second meaning of this word and then adding in trades also clarifies...nice play on the word A+++++

And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love
was all she could ask for.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
in books or on Opera,
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone.

Now I can see why this guy hasn't shaved ...I wasn't quite pulled into this stanza as I was with the last two, but I can't find anything to be truly picky about...



This was a pretty good piece man....I especially liked how you used the word stubble...

when you get the chance, or whenever you feel like it, check my piece out:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=917615
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#9
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
Don't like the "make some peace"
But silence stole the table
and assumed its normal place.
To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste.
I think this is really nice !

The mans stubble,
like thorns that curse kisses,
that mark his territory,
after years of frequent trade,
have found solace elsewhere.
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
silence stole the table once more.
This is awkward, and I like it

And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love
was all she could ask for.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
in books or on Opera,
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone.
Again, a very solid stanza


I liked everything besides the second line. I think you could change it to something like "tried to reach an agreement" but that could screw the flow. Well, not the kind of guy that gives advices though... This is a strong peace and captures a rupture in marriga very well, at least that's what came into my mind
#10
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
"tried" feels a little boring as a word here.
But silence stole the table
and assumed its normal place.
To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste.
Fantastic writing.

The mans stubble,
like thorns that curse kisses,
Woah, I didn't realize you were quite as talented as this, mate, no offense!
that mark his territory,
Not sure about this line. I feel I have to be very picky when something as excellent as the preceding line arises and then something rather lacklustre follows it.
after years of frequent trade,
"frequent trade" is OK, but not great.
have found solace elsewhere.
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
silence stole the table once more.
Very nice, I can't fault this personally. The repetition looked difficult to pull off, but you succeeded.

And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love
was all she could ask for.
Odd pattern here but the words, and tension are so brilliant I don't care.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
in books or on Opera,
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone.
Wonderfully relatable.


This was a triumphant song that I really reached into and found something that I can totally understand.
I love the way its so short, and I love the tension building you advocated in each stanza. Its very simple but its just worked so well!
An excellent piece, best I've read in quite a while. You are a much better writer than I first anticipated; that was a shortcoming of my own I will try to never do again.

Digitally Clean
#11
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
But silence stole the table
and assumed its normal place.
To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste.

I like how this says that even though some peace was yet to be made, that there’s still love between the two. sometimes it’s hard to talk about, and you get that across well. but for instance I read the second line as something like ‘and maybe tried to make some peace’.


The mans stubble,
like thorns that curse kisses,
that mark his territory,
after years of frequent trade,
have found solace elsewhere.
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
silence stole the table once more.

I thought ‘thorns’ was ‘thom’, meine namen. yips.
man, I love how you described him by his stubble. yeah, it’s a fresh perspective. great. and I like using the word ‘trade’ here. for ex., I just watched this movie called ‘Trade’ about the sex trade in Mexico, and of course the word ‘trade’ used in that sense is extreme, I feel like you’re using the word trade here on the same continuum as in that context. Maybe, like, getting into drugs a bit more than she realizes, or getting hookers a few times or something. that kind of life. or perhaps like guy worked as an insurance salesman or banker for many years. maybe that kind of trade.


And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love
was all she could ask for.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
in books or on Opera,
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone.

awesome use of boycott of love. great.

a really nice comment on American life. really nice. journalistic a bit in it’s art maybe. sweet
#12
yo, thanks for getting to mine man, i really appreciate it.
i really dug the second stanza. especially the beginning concerning the "stubble;" that's just sweet.
one thing i noticed was the fact that every word seemed to be chosen very carefully, for each line. the placement of the stanzas, also. i think i noticed you said this was a song? i'd like to hear it if you put it on your profile.
sorry, didn't have too much to offer on this; but you always seem to find the time to make it to my work, and i haven't really commented back lately. i apologize, and am going to try my best to make getting to your work a frequent occasion.
thanks again.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
Man, song is so great, I don't have any critic to do, really good.
MUSIC IS YOUR ONLY FRIEND UNTIL THE END *.*
#14
the first stanza is plainly indistinct and, really, pretty bland. it's just a simplistic description. does nothing much. the second stanza is a little more inventive, but again, suffers from a severe banality, especially towards the end. final line of the piece has tense issues. grammatically awkward.

generally, it has this irritating taste of complaisance about it that really prevents any degree of involvement beyond simple readings. you've described the sour situation of this women, who i partly feel for, but haven't gone into enough detail to really make me care all that much. i do harbour some sympathy, but it's really a pretty common situation of loss of love, from what's evident. syntactically it's dreadfully predictable, word choice is pretty standard... as far as metaphors or euphemistic talk goes, you've just mentioned silence 'stealing' the table, which is a pretty redundant image, really. all i'm left with is a fairly mundane description of a standard happening, which doesn't make for a great piece. sorry.
#15
Sgagitup:

I agree with you about the first stanza. It was really just there for the purpose of actually starting the piece. The thing was that the piece actually started with the second stanza, and I spent most of my time trying to get an introduction. So even having an average, if somewhat bland, beginning was okay for me. I tried to make it rhythmic to help some, but I don't know how rhythmic it came across as.
#16
Didn't so much like the flow in the last paragraph, but the rhythym besdies that flowed quite well. you used some great imagery to connect feelings and I think I understood your point too. good job man, it could use a few tweaks, but good.
#17
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
id re-word the second line, "tried to make some peace" seemed a little.. i dont know. weak? not sure thats the right word
But silence stole the table
and assumed its normal place.
To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste.

The mans stubble,
like thorns that curse kisses,
that mark his territory,
after years of frequent trade,
have found solace elsewhere.
this was hard to understand, for me. i think it would be better if worded so that it can be understood without having to be read over and over... then again, sometimes that is a beautiful aspect of writing, so its hard to say. anyway, the stubble thing was pretty cool.
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
silence stole the table once more.

And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love
was all she could ask for.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
in books or on Opera,
lol, i thought it said "oprah" at first reading.
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone.


overall, i liked it, though it took a few reads to understand fully.
#19
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
^

Uhhh, it is supposed to say Oprah. I mispelled a whole lot this time around


ahaha. weird how that works out!
#20
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
But silence stole the table
and assumed its normal place.
You've successfully caught my interest,
but failed to please me aesthetically.
Never fear, the easy solution is here:
remove the period after peace, it is unnecessary
and unhelpful in a place where the rhythm should be loose.
Doing so will also put more emphasis on the next lines.

To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste.

Generally the opening stanza
sets the tone for the whole piece,
and the way you've arranged this
makes the next two seem stray
in an unpleasant way. I enjoyed the
first, and was hoping for more.

The mans stubble, *man's
like thorns that curse kisses,
that mark his territory,
after years of frequent trade,
have found solace elsewhere.
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
The lack of solid meaning made this
much more forced than it had to be.
Find something this character you've created
might really feel or think of. Don't worry about
rhyme, that may or may not come with true intention.
Just give her some dimension.

silence stole the table once more.
This line seemed to sneak up on me.
I like the fact that I'm seeing it again,
just not the abruptness.


And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love
was all she could ask for.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
You've already used love, perhaps
affection or something else synonymous
would work better for you.

in books or on Opera,
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone.
Not sure I really understand the last two lines,
the delivery is confusing.



This proves to me that you can write, but that your skills could use some refining. I believe you are at a very pivotal point right now, and that soon you will make some major improvements as you begin to explore more. I may not be one to talk, as I also have quite a ways to go. But then again, maybe it's good that it comes from me, because I think I know where you're at.

Many people on this forum write a few lyrics, get some good feedback from people who just want the return critique, and think "hot damn, well I guess I'm good, time to go form a band and try these songs out". But they're a dime a dozen. You've stuck around and that makes you different. If you continue to stick around and learn from the other writers around you, you will truly be amazed at where it can take you. I know I've learned more from SYK than everyone else combined - though I still don't know his real name - and am still learning from him and others. He wasn't born an awesome writer though, he learned from others, and they learned from others, and now they continue to learn from each other.

So thanks for the crit, and good luck on your journey as a writer. Looking forward to seeing where your next piece takes you.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#21
this is really good and i want to apologize but i'm new at this i made my account like 45 minutes ago and i'm not trying to use excuses.

D:
#23
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
The two sat down to dinner
and tried to make some peace.
But silence stole the table
and assumed its normal place.
To love was just instinct.
To argue was a waste.
i didnt click with the first two lines, especially "tried to make some peace" i was worried i wasn't going to like it, i hate writing negative reviews. but the last 4 lines renewed my faith i wouldnt have to. i think "normal" is a bit bland though. maybe thats what you were after. i would have had it as something like "and took his well worn seat" you'd have to change the peace line though for it to rhyme.
The mans stubble,
like thorns that curse kisses,
brilliant
that mark his territory,
after years of frequent trade,
have found solace elsewhere.
Whether bottled beer from Mexico,
or a love she doesn't know,
silence stole the table once more.
really liked this whole stanza. no complaints from me.

And the wife,
after years of assuming
a place beneath him,
this boycott of love
was all she could ask for.
Her love dwelled elsewhere,
in books or on Opera,
and how love should be,
and wondering where the love has gone.
good once again.



so, sorry for the short crit, maybe write something rubbish and i'd have more to say. i really liked it. well done.