#1
Like little kids make shapes of clouds, and play with shadows on the wall. I am msytified by your restless face, dimly lit by the streetlight through the window. Your breasts rythymically heaving inside my favorite t-shirt. So I hold your head against my barren chest. I stretch my neck and kiss your hair; whispering words as we close our eyes and tie our dreams in a knot. I'm well aware I've loved and let go. But, it took NASA's most brilliant minds 11 apollos before moon boots made their name. And, I'm not afraid of explosion any longer. I want to fly with you through all God has to offer.
#2
Although i can understand your intentions, I'm a bit confused on specifics. Is laura your woman or something? along with the line about streetlights and then to her boobs.
And what exactly is the explosion? :P


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=919641
Gear:
Ibanez RG550 20th RFR
Traynor YCV50
Fender FMT HH Tele
Mesa Boogie 2ch Triple Rectifier
2 1x12 custom Theile cabs
ISP Decimator
Krank Kranshaft
Boss BF-2 Flanger
BBE Sonic Maximizer
#3
kool98769, if your not going to give usefull info, dont post...
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#4
Quote by folotheendisher
kool98769, if your not going to give usefull info, dont post...


Dude.
I was attempting to tell him what i thought of it. It's kinda hard to crit something so short.
I apologize for offending you, man.
Gear:
Ibanez RG550 20th RFR
Traynor YCV50
Fender FMT HH Tele
Mesa Boogie 2ch Triple Rectifier
2 1x12 custom Theile cabs
ISP Decimator
Krank Kranshaft
Boss BF-2 Flanger
BBE Sonic Maximizer
#5
The ending was stronger than the rest I thought. One line that stuck out the most was the one about Nasa and moon boots. A lot of wit there, it made me chuckle out loud. Not a bad read, it could have been better with some edits, and more form. Maybe that is the way you wanted it to be though. Comment on mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=920265
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
Quote by clichealias
Like little kids make shapes of clouds, and play with shadows on the wall. I am msytified by your restless face, dimly lit by the streetlight through the window. Your breasts rythymically heaving inside my favorite t-shirt. So I hold your head against my barren chest. I stretch my neck and kiss your hair; whispering words as we close our eyes and tie our dreams in a knot. I'm well aware I've loved and let go. (good 1/2)


But, it took NASA's most brilliant minds 11 apollos before moon boots made their name. And, I'm not afraid of explosion any longer. I want to fly with you through all God has to offer.(not good half)


I like what you are getting at with the second part but dont like the way you said it. My favorite lines were the first few, all the child references we can relate to.

Crit "Hidden, We'll Remain" in my sig. please and thankyou.
#7
I thought it was great. The "heaving breasts" is my only complaint, as it seemed to put emphasis... elsewhere. "Longer/Offer" was a great rhyme, with a great line, for a great ending. "Tie our dreams in a know" was fantastic. The wording was great.

Crit mine in my sig if you want, but I really didn't give much of a crit, so it's fine if you don't.