#1
The days I thought
I could put a fist to it
And win the day
Seems to me
To be so far away

I know, I know
Everything that touches me
I move away from
Everything that I touch
Feels immovable to me
Can’t change a ****ing thing

I know, I know,
I don’t want to be the only one without stories
I don’t want to be alone, forgotten and broken.

Can’t shake this feeling
That every day, is just another defeat
Can’t contend with anything, just continue to bend

I know, I know
That soon I’ll be looking at a glass half empty
I’ll be looking at a glass, filled with envy
If this keeps on going, surely it will end me

I’ve got to stop, got to stop this bending, cause
Broken thoughts cannot repair, something that just inst there
They can only imitate a sense of permanence
And that’s not enough, From now on I’ve got to care
To be what I want to be isn’t an option or a dream
It’s what I have to be. It’s something I’ve got to see


Any criticism at all would be appreciated,
i'll C4C to the best of my ability, but that isnt very good.
thanks in advance guys
Last edited by Blue? at Jul 28, 2008,
#2
Quote by Blue?
The days I thought,
I could put a fist to it,
And win the day.
Seems to me,
To be so far away,
The rhyme scheme felt awkward to me.

I know, I know,
Everything that touches me,
I move away from,
Everything that I touch,
Don't like the second usage of "touch".
Feels immovable to me,
Can’t change a ****ing thing,

I know, I know,
I don’t want to be the only one without stories,
I don’t want to be alone, forgotten and broken.
As a rule when I write, I only change the line length if the concept NEEDS more (or less). This didn't, so I'd cut down on it a tad.

Can’t shake this feeling
That every day, is just another defeat,
Can’t contend with anything, just continue to bend
Interesting internal rhyme.

I know, I know,
That soon I’ll be looking at a glass half empty,
I’ll be looking at a glass, filled with envy,
If this keeps on going, it will surely be the end of me.

I will change this next paragraph into what I think it should be:
I’ve got to stop this bending, cause
Broken thoughts cannot repair,
something that just inst there
They can only imitate a sense
of [something something] permanence,
And that’s not enough, I’ve got to TRY
I don't know what I could do with the last two. The lines seemed as if they weren't flowing with that extra weight on there. Keep if you wish.
To be what I want to be isn’t an option or a dream,
It’s what I have to be. It’s something I’ve got to see.


Decent, but there were times were it felt too blatant in word selection.

Crit mine in my sig?