#1
Peter Pan.


once upon a time,
it wasn't hard to realize
that we all had
our own special place.
not neccessarily
one to run to
when the tough got going;
but as a child,
i visited the clouds frequently.
for leisure,
and a breath of cleaner air.
i would lay on my back
above the earth
above the birds
didn't mind sitting under the sun.
it was only the size of
an ant, anyway.
i know because i measured it
with one eye closed
between my thumb and finger.
this was all mine,
no room for two.

i tried to remember
the day when they took
it away from me.
when they brainwashed me
to believe that decency
revolves in the solitude
of a man's mind.
that responsibility and
opportunity are not yours
until you're as naked and
empty as everyone else.
because no one can see you
bleed unless you're bleeding.
i couldn't,
so i ran.
i ran and kept running
to find my place.
not my home,
or the arms of my therapist,
but the wind that used to
sweep me up
into the embrace of God.
the clouds,
just had to get there
because i refused to watch
this world burn.
they tried to follow me
but the fact remains
there is only room for one.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 1, 2008,
#2
Good concept and all, but your lines seemed fragmented alot. For example:

not neccessarily one
to run to

Lines three and four in the second stanza shouldn't have rhymed with the same word. That just didn't feel right. I think the piece could use a bit more in the way of rhymes to inject some emphasis, but not rhyming every time. It's got a freeform vibe to it, so I wouldn't bog it down.
#3
I would like the lines to be more complete so you can cut down on fragments. Other than that this is a great piece. Not a lot to say. I just liked it.

Crit Hidden in my sig please.
#5
MLK, Kennedy, Lincoln, and a war veteran talking at the same time. That is what this felt like, but strangely enough it didn't feel like you were preaching, but more along the lines of trying to make the reader understand. Loss of innocence is what I get from this. Enjoyed it while it lasted.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
Quote by freshtunes
Loss of innocence is what I get from this. Enjoyed it while it lasted.
so did i.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
I'm going to bet against coincidence that you might have seen one or both Peter Pans on television in the past couple of days. If this is true I won't begrudge you for it for two reasons; because Peter Pan is awesome, and because I recently watched both myself (the animated one was at work - I was somewhat bored).

To the writing though; spectacular. The way you crafted the idea which freshtunes mentioned and applied it to a figure we all know and love was just incredible.

i visited the clouds frequently.


My favorite line, but not by much since the rest of the stanza was equally enjoyable. After that though I felt that the beginning of the second stanza was too complex for this piece.

that responsibility and
opportunity are not yours
until you're as naked and
empty as everyone else.


doesn't carry the simple purity of the rest of the piece. Until this I barely had to think. I know that may seem an insult, but if someone can read your piece and understand it subconsciously, while consciously enjoying themselves, that is a real achievement. Certainly a nice break from the burden some pieces put on the mind. I didn't enjoy the mention of God though. Not because I'm not religious, but because the rest held Nature as the supreme. It was another jarring break from the aforementioned flow.

Besides that I have only praise, which I am sure you are thoroughly tired of hearing. But I must say, this is one of your best Kent.


-please don't return the crit
at least not on my latest
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 29, 2008,
#8
^well, too bad so sad Jake.
consider yourself critted buddy.

i want to thank you guys for finding the time to read, and Jamie i'm really looking forward to anything you could offer if you come back. if not, don't worry bout it, 'cause i'm pretty sure i still owe you.

thanks again, and i am returning crits/comments in the appropriate manner for which they are given on this, so, try and make sure to leave a link if you want me to say something on a specific piece; if not, i'll just find your most recent and go from there.
- K.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
billyjson - perhaps he was referring to god in the einsteinian sense. that is, god as the power of naturalism, etc.

dr. otto octavius: this was moving. depicted the struggle to maintain innocence perfectly - you achieved something really difficult here, which is writing a piece in the first person so entirely centred around yourself (whether yourself is the narrator and/or the poet), but managing not to convey that irritating self-appreciation that is so often associated with personal writing. it's, seriously, profoundly beautiful.

you're getting better and better. one day you will be standing on top of it.
#10
IMO they are too much line breaks (or whatever is it called, dunno, just a personal taste when reading though)

But I enjoyed this. Sorry I can't find something to crit about it.
#12
Quote by skagitup
perhaps he was referring to god in the einsteinian sense. that is, god as the power of naturalism, etc.


Perhaps, honestly it wouldn't make much of a difference though since the disruption is flow-based, not concept. It's more the visual of the word 'God' that causes the issues. That implies everything is focused into one deity, instead of spread throughout many, as when Nature is the ultimate being.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#13
Quote by Billyjson
Perhaps, honestly it wouldn't make much of a difference though since the disruption is flow-based, not concept. It's more the visual of the word 'God' that causes the issues. That implies everything is focused into one deity, instead of spread throughout many, as when Nature is the ultimate being.


i dispute that. in terms of flow, the halt aroused through use of "God." works beautifully with the reopening concerning clouds. semantically, the use of god pulls all of the ideas together into one naturalistic entity that really identifies the narrators situation aesthetically. it works as a catalyst in the combining of ideas cerebrally, for the reader... or, for me, at least.
#14
Best thing you've written. You took your feel for enjambment and flow and slowed it down so that it benefited the piece. You took your normally "almost emotional" diction and put it over the edge into a realm I could connect with.

I loved it. I connected with it. It made me nostalgic.
#16
Quote by skagitup
i dispute that. in terms of flow, the halt aroused through use of "God." works beautifully with the reopening concerning clouds. semantically, the use of god pulls all of the ideas together into one naturalistic entity that really identifies the narrators situation aesthetically. it works as a catalyst in the combining of ideas cerebrally, for the reader... or, for me, at least.


I suppose that's one take on it. I realize the factor of overshadowing the repetition, which also emphasizes it in a good way, but I still believe that may be done with another entity. Even "the heavens" instead would accomplish the same while being more effective, in my point of view. But let's just agree to disagree.

Sorry for the thread clogage.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#17
Quote by ottoavist
Peter Pan.


a long time ago
it wasn't hard to realize
that we all had
our own special place.
Straight away I noticed the simplicity to this. I believe I can relate to this more so than your other pieces. I still am more inclined to your more ambiguous and weird stuff, but this is so much honestly pretty.
not neccessarily
one to run to
when the tough got going;
but as a child,
I absolutely adore the way the "tough got going" line interlinks with the "child" image!
i visited the clouds frequently.
for leisure,
and a breath of cleaner air.
Lovely imagery and smart, intelligent writing.
i would lay on my back
above the earth
above the birds
didn't mind sitting under the sun.
The repetition of the same feeling is quite interesting.
it was only the size of
an ant, anyway.
Glorious conversational manner here that totally re-arranges my instincts on this.
i know because i measured it
"because" didn't feel entirely correct and important here. It felt a little flushed, rushed and overly conversational.
with one eye closed
between my thumb and finger.
this was all mine,
no room for two.
I love the whole feeling of this, its wonderful!

i tried to remember
the day when they took
it away from me.
when they brainwashed me
to believe that decency
revolves in the solitude
of a man's mind.
that responsibility and
opportunity are not yours
until you're as naked and
empty as everyone else.
I think your writing has improved drastically after this. This is a perfect cross between, conversation, poetic ramblings, intriguing short snippets and imagery gratification. Anyone can enjoy this, my mother would find this pretty or even my three year old sister would. Thats why this is now your best from my memory.
because no one can see you
bleed unless you're bleeding.
i couldn't,
so i ran.
i ran and kept running
to find my place.
not my home,
or the arms of my therapist,
but the wind that used to
sweep me up
into the embrace of God.
the clouds,
just had to get there
because i refused to watch
this world burn.
they tried to follow me
but the fact remains
there is only room for one.
I can't say any more.


From my memory of reading your work and seeing how you have progressed has been a treat. I think, if you were to write anything else in your whole life, don't write something like this again, It would loose the impact of having such a fantastic song right here on this thread!
Seriously though, try and write more like this; honest, simple, creative and just perfect. One of the best writers I've read from in a long time.

Digitally Clean
#18
thank you so very much Goldfish.

and Jake/Alex, to clear matters up with the whole usage of "God" thing; i chose that word because i was trying to think of what could represent an unlimited source of solace, retreat, and love for the character in the poem. not neccessarily for religious reasons; more of the fact that i couldn't think of anything bigger, and simple at the same time, to have an appropriate place in the line.

in short though, i want to thank everyone tremendously for reading; and i'm extremely happy that everyone could find a point of connection. i've been trying to focus on getting the reader connected more so than anything else with my most recent poems, and there was some massive weight pulled off my shoulders when i read these comments.
thanks again.

if there are anymore reads on this, though, and you see something i did wrong; please be kind enough to point it out. i couldn't ask for more.
-K.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#19
in short though, i want to thank everyone tremendously for reading; and i'm extremely happy that everyone could find a point of connection. i've been trying to focus on getting the reader connected more so than anything else with my most recent poems, and there was some massive weight pulled off my shoulders when i read these comments.


You've done it, very well indeed.

I'm kind of here there and everywhere at the moment Kent, and you have a lot on this one, so I'll get to your next when you do. Unless you really want me to be picky here?

This was good.
#20
oh, it's up to you Jamie.
i just appreciate the fact that you got to read this one.
if you feel inclined to pick 'er apart, you've got no complaints from my end.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#21
needs a blank line before I couldn't.

that's all i got for ya.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#22

i didn't like this one as much, but i guess it's just me. too much of the nostalgia of a nine year old when you could write about the easy life or the hard way to do things. I didn't feel the connection.

besides, no one ever loses their innocence. it just clouds over.




love is a dog from hell.



#23
Quote by skagitup
^ enjambement.


correction - imbadgerment.

i visited the clouds frequently.
for leisure,


felt out of place
it was a weird transition
between two flows.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#24
I love you, sir.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#25
Quote by culex-knight
I love you, sir.
i love every one of you guys.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#27
Quote by skagitup
what?
it would appear Bones has coined a new word in your honour.


a long time ago
Kent, i know you've considered starting this with once upon a time and decided against it.
yeah, it's totally cliche, but it's a good one. do it anyway.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#28
Quote by skagitup
what?


I can never remember what word? is
so I call it embadgerment.
It's just a better name.
Would be even better if it was:
em
badger
ment


*stops the ruddy spam*
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#29
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
a long time ago
Kent, i know you've considered starting this with once upon a time and decided against it.
yeah, it's totally cliche, but it's a good one. do it anyway.

SYK speaks the truth on this occasion. This is one of the rare pieces that would benefit from a 'once upon a time', and don't be afraid. I'm still reading Kent, and I'm hoping to get my critting ass into shape sometime soon!