#1
song i wrote, kinda depressive but eh. the end of it sounds like that camp rock song, but i didn't even know about camp rock when i wrote this...gah.

Look into my eyes
And tell me what you see
Darkness and rage coming out of me
Slap me awake
Get me out of this nightmare
But it does no good
Because I’m too blink to see
That happiness is smiling
Right in front of me

Who do I blame
In this empty game
My heart beats lonely inside of me
Its all because of you
By you I mean myself

I lay myself to rest
Only to wake to my distaste
A dream inside a worse dream
Trapped in a unforgiving nightmare
Going insane, no place to hide
You never no
Its okay…

That darkness spews
Right out of me
With a last swallow, I still rise
Stab me in the heart
And it still beats
Slap me awake
I’m too blind to see
That I’m in the dark
And the light shines right in front of me

*Bridge*

If you know what its like
To live in the dark
Then come stand by me
So were not alone
If you know what its like
To stray from the edge
Then come stand by me
So we wont be afraid
If you know what its like
To sit by yourself
Then come sit by me
So we won’t be afraid
Its okay.
#2
Quote by ThePizzaNator
song i wrote, kinda depressive but eh. the end of it sounds like that camp rock song, but i didn't even know about camp rock when i wrote this...gah.

Look into my eyes
And tell me what you see
Darkness and rage coming out of me
Slap me awake
Get me out of this nightmare
But it does no good
Because I’m too blink to see
Blind?
That happiness is smiling
Right in front of me
Not any spectacular images from what I see. Line three should be split after the first three words for easier reading, since it reads like two lines.

Who do I blame
In this empty game
My heart beats lonely inside of me
Its all because of you
By you I mean myself
Structure needs some flogging. That middle line can't be split up, but it needs to. Five lines is hard to work, and should rarely be attempted. Also, the last couple wasn't very good of a thought. It just took up space, in my opinion.

I lay myself to rest
Only to wake to my distaste
A dream inside a worse dream
"worse dream" didn't feel like a good way to end the line.
Trapped in a unforgiving nightmare
"Unforgiving" has a nice internal rhyme with "dream".
Going insane, no place to hide
You never no
know?
Its okay…
It's usually a good idea to stick to a structure, rather than having a different one every stanza.

That darkness spews
Right out of me
With a last swallow, I still rise
Stab me in the heart
And it still beats
Slap me awake
I’m too blind to see
That I’m in the dark
And the light shines right in front of me
Another structure, and a very complex rhyme scheme. x A x B A x A B A (the x's are words that have no rhyme). It doesn't need to be so, and it hurts the flow. Also, you have a couple lines that are way too long, so find a way to crunch those in.
*Bridge*

If you know what its like
To live in the dark
Then come stand by me
So were not alone
If you know what its like
To stray from the edge
Then come stand by me
So we wont be afraid
If you know what its like
To sit by yourself
Then come sit by me
So we won’t be afraid
Its okay.
Though it was based on a repeated phrase, this had the best flow of the entire piece, because it stuck to its meter.


Don't switch structures every new stanza. Try writing a song with one single, predetermined structure. The further you stray from structure, rhyme and rhythm, the moreso your work is like a speech. And if it's a speech, the power that songs naturally have is gone.

Crit mine in my sig?
#3
Your vocabulary in this piece was so minute, it couldve been so much better with a wider use of words. It's really cliche the way you wrote it. Nothing here says to me that you were the author. My suggestion/bit of advice is to use a thesaurus and change up the words a bit.

Crit top song in my signature please.