#1
This is my first post in here. Please feel free to give me some crit as I would appreciate any advice. C4C. Thanks.


‘Twas mid July but with a blue lined cloud,
That just kept hanging around.
I walked through a Victorian styled town.
Young kids drunk and havin’ fun
Doing things that I had done,
Long before life’s toils pulled me down.
In, I stepped, into a forgotten bar
There was an old man smoking a cigar
And he was sinking endless shots.
I looked at him; he was grey and old,
Telling stories his face already told,
About a woeful tale of love, long, lost.

Ohh! Where’re we going?
Cos I don't know

I sat down and I listened in
He said “sometimes ya gotta risk to win”
His words rang long, and true.
He shared to me, all of his mistakes
Of all his pain and his heartbreaks,
And all the things he wished he could re-do.
He said “ya gotta dance ya dance
And when it's there ya gotta take the chance,
When ya still got young skin and healthy bones.”
He had so much wisdom, yet he was so lonely.
He’s at the end of his life left with, "if only"
And the murmurings of old melancholy tones

Ohh! Where’re we going?
Cos I don't know

And as I left, like so many before,
He is left, to let his heart outpour.
Others overhear his solitude of lament.
I said my thanks and my goodbyes
For he truly did, open my eyes
And for the first in a long time, I felt content
I thought, “I’m gonna take my chance, win or lose,
Either she'll accept or, will refuse.
At least I won't have that shadow of regret.”
“It’s either with or without.”
I had no thoughts of any doubt.
And that lonely old man, is someone I’ll never forget

Yeah where're we going?
Now I know
"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life.Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!" ~ Billy Connolly
Last edited by yoyo9333 at Jul 28, 2008,
#2
Quote by yoyo9333
This is my first post in here. Please feel free to give me some crit as I would apprieciate any advice. C4C. Thanks.


‘Twas mid July but with a blue lined cloud,
That just kept hanging around.
I walked through a Victorian styled town.
Young kids drunk and havin’ fun
Doing things that I had done,
Long before life’s toils pulled me down.
In, I stepped, into a forgotten bar Doesn't flow due to the "in" and "into"
There was an old man smoking a cigar
And he was sinking endless shots.
I looked at him; he was grey and old,
Telling stories his face already told,
About a woeful tale of love, long, lost. Perhaps a bit forced?
Overall good beginning... showed the passage of time, and at that point I'm assuming that's what is in store for the rest of the song.

Ohh! Where’re we going?
Cos I don't know

I sat down and I listened in
He said “sometimes ya gotta risk to win”
His words rang long, and true.
He shared to me, all of his mistakes
Of all his pain and his heartbreaks,
And all the things he wished he could re-do.
He said “ya gotta dance ya dance
And when it's there ya gotta take the chance,
When ya still got young skin and healthy bones.”
He had so much wisdom, yet he was so lonely.
He’s at the end of his life left with, "if only"
And the murmurings of old melancholy tones
Nice, but the last line seems kind of out of place. But I get what you're going for, and it doesn't upset the whole flow.

Ohh! Where’re we going?
Cos I don't know

And as I left, like so many before,
He is left, to let his heart outpour.
Others overhear his solitude of lament.
I said my thanks and my goodbyes
For he truly did, open my eyes
And for the first in a long time, I felt content
I thought, “I’m gonna take my chance, win or lose,
Either she'll accept or, will refuse.
At least I won't have that shadow of regret.”
“It’s either with or without.”
I had no thoughts of any doubt.
And that lonely old man, is someone I’ll never forget
Favorite stanza ^^

Yeah where're we going?
Now I know
Good changing it to show how you changed due to the man...



Overall opinion: Great little story It didn't seem hollow like many songs you find these days. The rhyming sceme really sealed the deal for me on this one. Nicely written, nicely done.

#3
Quote by yoyo9333
This is my first post in here. Please feel free to give me some crit as I would appreciate any advice. C4C. Thanks.


‘Twas mid July but with a blue lined cloud,
That just kept hanging around.
I walked through a Victorian styled town.
Young kids drunk and havin’ fun
Doing things that I had done,
Long before life’s toils pulled me down.
In, I stepped, into a forgotten bar
There was an old man smoking a cigar
And he was sinking endless shots.
I looked at him; he was grey and old,
Telling stories his face already told,
About a woeful tale of love, long, lost.

Ohh! Where’re we going?
Cos I don't know

I sat down and I listened in
He said “sometimes ya gotta risk to win”
His words rang long, and true.
He shared to me, all of his mistakes
Of all his pain and his heartbreaks,
And all the things he wished he could re-do.
He said “ya gotta dance ya dance
And when it's there ya gotta take the chance,
When ya still got young skin and healthy bones.”
He had so much wisdom, yet he was so lonely.
He’s at the end of his life left with, "if only"
And the murmurings of old melancholy tones

Ohh! Where’re we going?
Cos I don't know

And as I left, like so many before,
He is left, to let his heart outpour.
Others overhear his solitude of lament.
I said my thanks and my goodbyes
For he truly did, open my eyes
And for the first in a long time, I felt content
I thought, “I’m gonna take my chance, win or lose,
Either she'll accept or, will refuse.
At least I won't have that shadow of regret.”
“It’s either with or without.”
I had no thoughts of any doubt.
And that lonely old man, is someone I’ll never forget

Yeah where're we going?
Now I know


It is very Jack and Diane, I didnt disect this, I sang it with major chords and the flow is pretty solid through out. Good post. Great story.

Crit "Hidden" in my signature please and thankyou.