#1
So I wrote this a few days ago and as it went on I kind of lost the image in my head. So rather then try to force some more stanzas I decided to post it here unfinished and see what you guys thought.


The masses are screaming,
"We want blood, we want blood!"
The stone seats are teeming
with souls made of mud.

Live fast and die slowly,
they won't stop though they should.
Iron gates are closing
Their legs turn to wood.

Anticipation grows
they ache to clench their thirst.
Blood will be spilled,
but who will draw first?

The two men are nameless;
just faces in masks.
Men among devils,
only grain in a sack.

The two men rush forward.
The crowd roars in delight.
Steel clashes wih steel,
swords flash in the light.

Inside the men's heads
the noise is drowned out.
They know only eachother
and flys flitting about..
Last edited by Solemn Silence at Jul 28, 2008,
#2
Quote by Solemn Silence
So I wrote this a few days ago and as it went on I kind of lost the image in my head. So rather then try to force some more stanzas I decided to post it here unfinished and see what you guys thought.


The masses are screaming,
"We want blood, we want blood!"
The stone seats are teeming
with souls made of mud.
Good way to begin. Catches my attention.

Life fast and die slowly, Is this supposed to be live
they won't stop though they should.
Iron gates are closing
Their legs turn to wood.

Anticipation grows
they ache to clench their thirst.
Blood will be spilled,
but who will draw first?
Very nice. Like it a lot.

The two men are nameless;
just faces in masks.
Men among devils,
only grain in a sack.
Wow amazing.

The two men rush forward.
The crowd roars in delight.
Steel clashes wih steel It doesn't sound bad, but it seems as it sets off the flow a bit.
flashing in the light.

Inside the men's heads
the noise is drowned out.
They know only eachother
and flys flitting about..
Flows very well.



Overall opinion: Amazing. I loved it. Flows well almost all the way through, great rhyming sceme. Nice work.


So you wanted help with adding stanzas, correct? I get what you're going for here, I'm not sure if I can be more of help than an idea for the ending. Something along the lines that one man wins, but both lose? That seemed like an appriopriate theme to me, but hey, what do I know :p After the final stanza you have written, perhaps have something about the animalistic behaviors of mankind and incorporate that into the little storyline you have going there. For exact lines, I'm not sure I could come up with anything haha. Well anyways, I hope that helps a bit.

C4C perhaps?