#1
These lyrics were written in about ten minutes. I havent got an order for the song, not yet, and i have no melody. I would like to see what you think though i havent really written lyrics before, but im proud of these. Any STRUCTURED critisizm is welcome

Thank You.

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DOES THIS DARKNESS HAVE A NAME:

Verse1:
Released from the womb,
Just to crawl to my tomb,
Hunger for pleasure,
I fight all that measure,
Greed overwhelms thee,
Life undermines me,
I wish to die,
And hope to live.

Verse2:
Cover your eyes with religious hands,
Look through the holes upon evils demands,
The cross overshadows you,
Run all you want too,
The book will close,
Your life spent un-imposed,
Upon the pages of life,
The chapters of change.

Verse3:
Release the beast,
And let him feast,
Call his number,
Take him from slumber,
Take a deep breath,
Leak through the mesh,
Jump from humanity,
Close the boundaries of sanity.

Middle Eight:
Gravestones tilt to the moons single gaze,
Candlelight flickers on the ill gotten remains,
Blood stains on the tapestry of life,
Man creates its pleasures within pain and in strife.

Chorus:
Does this darkness have a name,
Is this all a twisted game,
Will I ever feel the same,
Will I ever feel again,
Does this darkness have a name,
Do you wish to evade your shame,
Do you feel bored and lame,
Take your life just to end the game.

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gear:
Yamaha ERG 121 (new paint job, new strings, new pickups, new electronics!)
Washburn HB 30, sunburst finish.
yamaha amp (came with guitar)
#2
Quote by Innocrested

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DOES THIS DARKNESS HAVE A NAME:

Verse1:
Released from the womb,
Just to crawl to my tomb,
Hunger for pleasure,
I fight all that measure,
Greed overwhelms thee,
Life undermines me,
I wish to die,
And hope to live.

Verse2:
Cover your eyes with religious hands,
Look through the holes upon evils demands,
The cross overshadows you,
Run all you want too,
The book will close,
Your life spent un-imposed,
Upon the pages of life,
The chapters of change.

Verse3:
Release the beast,
And let him feast,
Call his number,
Take him from slumber,
Take a deep breath,
Leak through the mesh,
Jump from humanity,
Close the boundaries of sanity.

Middle Eight:
Gravestones tilt to the moons single gaze,
Candlelight flickers on the ill gotten remains,
Blood stains on the tapestry of life,
Man creates its pleasures within pain and in strife.

Chorus:
Does this darkness have a name,
Is this all a twisted game,
Will I ever feel the same,
Will I ever feel again,
Does this darkness have a name,
Do you wish to evade your shame,
Do you feel bored and lame,
Take your life just to end the game.

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Is this a metal song? I just find everything in this unoriginal kinda, you did a good job, it just seems generic. Good first try.
#3
Yeah, its a metal song that talks about Jesus and the people of the world, saints and sinners and all that. its heavily inspired by number of the beast, road to hell and other iron maiden/dickinson stuff.
gear:
Yamaha ERG 121 (new paint job, new strings, new pickups, new electronics!)
Washburn HB 30, sunburst finish.
yamaha amp (came with guitar)
#4
Quote by Innocrested
T
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DOES THIS DARKNESS HAVE A NAME:

Verse1:
Released from the womb,
Just to crawl to my tomb,
Hunger for pleasure,
I fight all that measure,
Greed overwhelms thee,
It's a good idea to try to avoid words like thee, since it usually sounds pretty forced.
Life undermines me,
I wish to die,
And hope to live.

Verse2:
Cover your eyes with religious hands,
Look through the holes upon evils demands,
I like this part a lot. Great flow.
The cross overshadows you,
Run all you want too,
The book will close,
Your life spent un-imposed,
This part doesn't flow very well. "The book will close" is too short and "Your life spent un-imposed" is too long. I'd change it.
Upon the pages of life,
The chapters of change.

Verse3:
Release the beast,
And let him feast,
Call his number,
Take him from slumber,
Take a deep breath,
Leak through the mesh,
Jump from humanity,
Close the boundaries of sanity.
The flow here is great, but the structure seems different than the other verses (Of course, I haven't heard it sang, so that might not be a problem).

Middle Eight:
Gravestones tilt to the moons single gaze,
Candlelight flickers on the ill gotten remains,
Blood stains on the tapestry of life,
Man creates its pleasures within pain and in strife.
I love this part.

Chorus:
Does this darkness have a name,
Is this all a twisted game,
Will I ever feel the same,
Will I ever feel again,
Does this darkness have a name,
Do you wish to evade your shame,
The flow on this rhyme isn't so good.
Do you feel bored and lame,
Take your life just to end the game.

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It'll make a fantastic song if you just fix those few spots.
You think you could give mine a critique?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=920429