#1
Ah, you write what you know I guess. I've been working on this piece and I really want to make it good for the memory of someone and I need some critique.


Verse I
Breaking the facade
Isn't quite a simple thing
The world revolves around the mask
Though behind it the ground shakes

The bottles cover the floor
Can you take it anymore
Can they keep this up
My heart goes out to you

So make me this promise
That we'll make it through
Even hollow promises
Can mean something too

Chorus I
Now we line our gardens
With your broken dreams
With your endless efforts
And your soft-hearted ways

It won't stop smoking
Your face stars in my dreams
It breaks me to my core
Because you're not here to stay

Verse II
I wish I could've been there
My hope had lied with you
Now my tears are falling
As you did too

Your lucid smiles
Your hardy laughs
And all your loved ones
They'll stay with me now

We made a promise
I can't let you down
I can make it through
With your memory

Chorus II
Now I'll line my garden
With your broken dreams
With your endless efforts
And your soft-hearted ways

It won't stop smoking
Your face stars in my dreams
It breaks me to my core
Because you're not here to stay

Verse III
The bugle's playing Taps
The flag is waving
I walk away
But I want to turn back

Time's passing quicker
These wounds won't heal
Your's didn't either
That's why I'm in mourning

I wanna wake you up
And tell you that we're stronger
That'll never happen
So I'll settle for a dream

Chorus III
Now we'll line the garden
With your broken dreams
With your endless efforts
And your soft-hearted ways

It won't stop smoking
Your face stars in my dreams
It breaks me to my core
Because you're not here to stay
#2
lyrically i think it works, but the rhyme scheme seems really odd to me. a bunch of the sections have no rhymes at all, and others do, but there doesn't seem to be a pattern.
#3
ah the reason is i tend to not rhyme a lot.
i always liked free rhyme schemes better.
also alot of the rhyme i use is in how I pronounce words and how i imagine sing the lyrics out

: \