#1
Paracetamol Mummies

Drinks of paracetamol
calms the days that shine,
like heat slowly
seeping through a gauze of the sun;
a sand timer replacing the cave
crumbling down on top of me.
As I gaze softly up into it,
I realize a simple but
painful fact no man,
woman,
or comforter
could ignore;
Even my shadows have head aches.

It must be hard
being the sun.

I squat down
beneath the bushes that blaze,
waiting for a something to
trickle down my throat;
a preventative
mass produced
by the unfortunately inadequate.
The ones who use the rays
as a reason to say,
they hurt all over as well.

She tried so hard to
understand what its like
to have shadows of head aches.

It must be hard doing everything.




Once again, I am trying to write good poetry and the same problems are arising - I right very conspicuously and for some, this maybe a little too complicated. So, if you require it, I lend it, her is the explaination:
Basically my mum has been my sun for years now, going through tough times and all the bad stuff in between; she is my paracetamol, the person who creats a gauze for the hot sun - a metaphor of the world and its troubling situation and how it influences me - and how she makes life easier to deal with for me.
But also, no matter how hard my mother tries, she still won't fully understand my situation and how I feel, but I love her for trying.
And finally, how I envy her strength and dedication, and how I find it so confusing how she can possibly keep going after facing up to the many problems she has been facing. She was mine and her own feet, together.


Leave a link if you want me to reutrn to your work, and remember to be picky and honest.

Digitally Clean
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Paracetamol Mummies

Drinks of paracetamol
calms the days that shine,
like heat slowly
seeping through a gauze of the sun;
a sand timer replacing the cave
crumbling down on top of me.
EXCELLENT image.
As I gaze softly up into it,
I realize a simple but
painful fact no man,
woman,
or comforter
I'm not a big fan of the italicized part. It seems like a big sore in your rhythm.
could ignore;
Even my shadows have head aches.
Interesting image.
It must be hard
being the sun.
Solid couplet, though nothing really special.

I squat down
beneath the bushes that blaze,
I dislike the alliteration here.
waiting for a something to
trickle down my throat;
a preventative
mass produced
Disliked it. The first stanza had a free-form kind of flow to it. This is just plain free form. And the imagery is not as good in this one.
by the unfortunately inadequate.
A bit of a mouthful.
The ones who use the rays
as a reason to say,
they hurt all over as well.

She tried so hard to
understand what its like
to have shadows of head aches.

It must be hard doing everything.
Solid outro.


Digitally Clean


I thought the first stanza had a great flow about it, and the second did not. That's really the biggest thing I can think of. Link in my sig if you want to return a crit.
#3
This is a bit late in coming--my apologies. I'll be rough because I know you can take it.



Quote by AngryGoldfish
Paracetamol Mummies

Drinks of paracetamol
not going to lie, I had to look that up. At this point, it honestly seems like you picked it just to be off-the-wall and 'poetic'. We'll see, though
calms the days that shine,
like heat slowly
seeping through a gauze of the sun;
this image confuses me. If the gauze is the sun, how is the day seeping through it? Perhaps I'm just over analyzing, as I tend to do.
a sand timer replacing the cave
not loving the wording of this line
crumbling down on top of me.
but a comprehensive and effective image. Nicely done.
As I gaze softly up into it,
kind of weakly worded? Idk. It's not taking away from the piece, but it isn't really adding to it. I just think you could do more with this line
I realize a simple but
painful fact no man,
woman,
or comforter
could ignore;
Even my shadows have head aches.
Your linebreaks are non conventional, perhaps, but also perhaps a bit jarring.

It must be hard
being the sun.
the way this is worded, it sounds like you're addressing the reader as the sun. Which is an interesting thought, and possibly one worth pursuing?
I squat down
beneath the bushes that blaze,
love it
waiting for a something to
trickle down my throat;
a reference back to paracalamatoroafingklnelnvmal, yes? Good tie in, I suppose.
a preventative
mass produced
by the unfortunately inadequate.
The ones who use the rays
as a reason to say,
they hurt all over as well.
I get the feeling I'm missing something. I can see that the rays are supposed to tie together the sun with parcalalsmkawklfmaatol, but I'm missing the link. A little help on this one?


She tried so hard to
understand what its like
to have shadows of head aches.

It must be hard doing everything.
alright, so the she is the sun? Interesting means of ending it.


Right now, before reading the explanation that I spy below me, this wasn't a favorite of mine. The whole time I kept getting a very ancient-Egypt vibe--which is understandable, what with the title and personification of the sun. My current working interpretation is that the sun is more symbolizing a "comforter" than the other way around, and that the comforter tries to relate to the narrator, but can't...because she doesn't know what it's like to be in shadow?. So the narrator gets by with parcosilejfopwkengamalto, a poor substitute for living in the light.
I'd be surprised if I've got it 100% (or anywhere near), but I guess I'll find out in a minute.




Once again, I am trying to write good poetry and the same problems are arising - I right very conspicuously and for some, this maybe a little too complicated. So, if you require it, I lend it, her is the explaination:
Basically my mum has been my sun for years now, going through tough times and all the bad stuff in between; she is my paracetamol, the person who creats a gauze for the hot sun - a metaphor of the world and its troubling situation and how it influences me - and how she makes life easier to deal with for me.
But also, no matter how hard my mother tries, she still won't fully understand my situation and how I feel, but I love her for trying.
And finally, how I envy her strength and dedication, and how I find it so confusing how she can possibly keep going after facing up to the many problems she has been facing. She was mine and her own feet, together.


I was pretty close!

Leave a link if you want me to reutrn to your work, and remember to be picky and honest.

Digitally Clean



Thanks for the read. =]
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
Last edited by Fly, Marlowe at Aug 10, 2008,