#1
Yeey dude's, this is my first song, so don't make fun please

Today I wake and watch the sky
It was the same big sunshine
But I felt diferent
And don't know why

Go to the beach every day
Unfortunately I've lost the train today
I felt bad 'cuse my feets
Had to do all the way

My day was looking so bad
I thought it couldn't get worst
But two guys come acting badass
Stole my money and my friend's purse

When I reach the beach I'd nothing
Just the shorts I had dressed
I've lost all my sunshine
And also my happiness

Until I saw you
Walking with that red bikini
Time stopped but
My heart was double speed

Blue eyes has de sea
Shining as diamonds
Looking at me

You were certainly
The first good thing
In this hardly
DAY.


(is it too bad? )
MUSIC IS YOUR ONLY FRIEND UNTIL THE END *.*
#2
Its not horrible it could use a little work but overall Id say 3 stars. Not bad for a first song. :-)
#3
Thkz, give some ideas if u want
MUSIC IS YOUR ONLY FRIEND UNTIL THE END *.*
#4
Quote by pedro_mo
Yeey dude's, this is my first song, so don't make fun please

Today I wake and watch the sky
It was the same big sunshine
Wording is decent, though the second line could use another syllable after "same". That's tough in this case, so you don't have to.
But I felt diferent
And don't know why

Go to the beach every day
Unfortunately I've lost the train today
"Lost" doesn't feel right. Do you mean the same thing as missed? The line is also pretty long. Look for ways to chop it down, such as "but I lost the train that paves the way", which also changes the similar rhyme.
I felt bad 'cuse my feets
Had to do all the way
"Feets" is wrong. "Had to DO all the way" doesn't sound appropriate. What about go?

My day was looking so bad
The flow here is poor. "So" in particular killed the rhythm.
I thought it couldn't get worst
But two guys come acting badass
Stole my money and my friend's purse
I liked this bit.

When I reach the beach I'd nothing
Well placed contraction.
Just the shorts I had dressed
This seemed a little out of placed, but if you want to be straightforward, it fits well enough.
I've lost all my sunshine
And also my happiness
Decent.

Until I saw you
Walking with that red bikini
Time stopped but
My heart was double speed
The switch from structure to structure was well executed. You didn't allow any exceptions during the stanza.

Blue eyes has de sea
"As"?
Shining as diamonds
Looking at me
Flow here was decent, but not spectacular.

You were certainly
The first good thing
In this hardly
"Hardly" doesn't fit. Think of a different word.
DAY.


(is it too bad? )
No. We are more forgiving than you lead on.


Overall, it was pretty straightforward as far as storyline and approach. My only real complaint was that the wording wasn't spot on every time.

Crit mine in my sig?
#5
Thanks, and my poor vocabulary is cuse i'm portuguese, ok?
MUSIC IS YOUR ONLY FRIEND UNTIL THE END *.*
#7
That's one of the reasons I've join this community!
MUSIC IS YOUR ONLY FRIEND UNTIL THE END *.*