#1
about my uncles funeral.


they spoke their stars and slept their same
together in winter in rain they came
mourning their never and crying their was
with hearses stopping the moon because

such a young child collapsing was shown
on the dusk of the day in a mist of why
departed in sleep how in heaven because
dead in the youth of the spring, he was.

no matter the winter no matter the tone
the strings of cathedrals continue to drone
as i close all the curtains that shut up the fun
and spit on the heavens that rain on the sun

and i cripple the stars in an aged hand
and up in the tower i sacrifice sleep
whilst sat on the steps of the church they cry
as the strings of the orchestra rain alone.
#2
The lyrics are very good. They're so rhythmic, I love them. I'm sorry to hear about your uncle's death, it's kind of ironic how my uncle and cousin got in a car crash yesterday, but they aren't dead, and I hope they live...
Anyways, I'm sure that your uncle would be so proud and honored to have such an amazing song written in his memory. They're great lyrics.
#3
I agree its great but sorry about your uncle. I really felt the emotion running through me. 5 stars!!
#5
3rd stanza = win.

this is the one. the rhyming tone gave the meaning a freefall effect; once it started, there wasn't any stopping it. smooth, like a hot knife cutting butter.
yes, this is great.

EDIT: perhaps if you find time, maybe you could say something like "kaptan Hook sux" on mine? lol. if not, don't worry about it man. this was a great piece, it deserves recognition.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 29, 2008,
#6
Quote by skagitup
about my uncles funeral.


they spoke their stars and slept their same
"Their same" didn't sound right. To say their implied to me that something should have followed.
together in winter in rain they came
"In" twice also didn't sound right. And saying winter, I thought the weather would be snow. Just my natural instinct.
mourning their never and crying their was
with hearses stopping the moon because

such a young child collapsing was shown
on the dusk of the day in a mist of why
departed in sleep how in heaven because
dead in the youth of the spring, he was.
"Spring" and "Winter" were used quite effectively here (and in the preceding stanza).

no matter the winter no matter the tone
the strings of cathedrals continue to drone
as i close all the curtains that shut up the fun
and spit on the heavens that rain on the sun
Good job continuing the "Winter" theme. Solid stanza, though going into church territory calls for many cliches.

and i cripple the stars in an aged hand
and up in the tower i sacrifice sleep
whilst sat on the steps of the church they cry
as the strings of the orchestra rain alone.
You didn't continue with angst against religion, which is good. It would have ruined your piece and devoled it into something different. Again, decent, but not spectacular. The first half was great on wording, I must say.


Overall, good. Not much else to say. Language was beautiful, and the seasons theme was perfect.

Crit mine in my sig?