#1
This is actually two pieces joined together that make sense as a whole, in a quite indestinct way.


Yes, I know, it shits me too.
When you are a metaphor that crops up in every second thing I write
But, Honey, you are a crazed idea that I can't define
Enigmatic to the core, not a bore, like the other girls
So bear with me, and one day I shall pass this test,
Throw you a rope that will pause but not rest
And will pull you into my shore, until I know everything,
Everything, everything, you are.
---
I felt I were dying in that winter night
Like candles playing wars with the wind
And you slept so soundly, no whistling dreams
Just a galeforce calm, I kept clear
And my brain, the hurricane took precedence in dreams
As I slipped the butterknife into my jeans
I left the table, and you left the bed
And we met in the halfway, both half dead
Not one for affection, I could still feel your hand
Pressed up against mine, while we had that dance
And your fingers etched on my shoulder and spine
Your lips on near my ear, whispered wasted lines

We quote bands, like highschool hearts
“Bleeding” into words that we didn't craft
"So, lover", you whisper, "you may tire of me
But I shall blow your fucking brains out if you leave."
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#2
Quote by Auals
This is actually two pieces joined together that make sense as a whole, in a quite indestinct way.


Yes, I know, it shits me too.
When you are a metaphor that crops up in every second thing I write
But, Honey, you are a crazed idea that I can't define
Enigmatic to the core, not a bore, like the other girls
So bear with me, and one day I shall pass this test,
Throw you a rope that will pause but not rest
And will pull you into my shore, until I know everything,
Everything, everything, you are.
Though not neccessarily true for the first two lines, the flow here was pretty good. Lines five and six were my favorites.
---
I felt I were dying in that winter night
Like candles playing wars with the wind
Excellent presentation of the image.
And you slept so soundly, no whistling dreams
Just a galeforce calm, I kept clear
"I kept clear" didn't seem to gel with the rest of the flow here.
And my brain, the hurricane took precedence in dreams
As I slipped the butterknife into my jeans
I left the table, and you left the bed
And we met in the halfway, both half dead
Not one for affection, I could still feel your hand
Pressed up against mine, while we had that dance
And your fingers etched on my shoulder and spine
Your lips on near my ear, whispered wasted lines
Good flow, but I don't feel very connected to it. Can't tell why.

We quote bands, like highschool hearts
“Bleeding” into words that we didn't craft
"So, lover", you whisper, "you may tire of me
But I shall blow your fucking brains out if you leave."


Overall, I enjoyed the flow. Sorry if I'm not much of a help, but that's all I can think of. Crit mine in my sig if you want.
#3
Quote by Auals
This is actually two pieces joined together that make sense as a whole, in a quite indestinct way.


Yes, I know, it shits me too.
When you are a metaphor that crops up in every second thing I write
good start, i like 2nd line.
But, Honey, you are a crazed idea that I can't define
Enigmatic to the core, not a bore, like the other girls
really didn't like "not a bore", it seemed far too simple following enigmatic, actually far too simple based on the rest of this piece as well. if it was me i would have gone for "so much more then the ...." but maybe thats just me.
So bear with me, and one day I shall pass this test,
Throw you a rope that will pause but not rest
And will pull you into my shore, until I know everything,
Everything, everything, you are.
you seem very annoyed at the start that you're so preoccupied with this girl, but very eager at the end. maybe you could try to put a bit of that annoyance into the closing lines?
---

I felt I were dying in that winter night
"i were dying" didn't like that. seeing as this seems very well written you obviously chose to put it in out of place. i don't think it adds anything though.
Like candles playing wars with the wind
however very much liked that.
And you slept so soundly, no whistling dreams
Just a galeforce calm, I kept clear
i thought "gale force calm" seemed like a very forced oxymoron, if you can get one of those. the line didn't read well to me. i assume you're trying to continue the wind theme from the 2nd line, it just strikes me as a little awkward.
And my brain, the hurricane took precedence in dreams
As I slipped the butterknife into my jeans
i liked where this was going, and where it goes actually, i thought a butter knife was an odd chioce of weapon though. you can barely cut cheese with a butter knife.
I left the table, and you left the bed
And we met in the halfway, both half dead
Not one for affection, I could still feel your hand
Pressed up against mine, while we had that dance
And your fingers etched on my shoulder and spine
Your lips on near my ear, whispered wasted lines
enjoyed the last 4 lines.

We quote bands, like highschool hearts
“Bleeding” into words that we didn't craft
"So, lover", you whisper, "you may tire of me
But I shall blow your fucking brains out if you leave."
and the end too, rounded it off well.


so baring a few points i quite liked this. it took me quite a few reads to get into it though. sorry it took me so long to crit back. i've had a busy few days.
Last edited by AK. at Jul 30, 2008,