#1
Now, I don't know really what to do with this one. I guess it will remain short as it is; but I feel there's something lacking in here, like it's incomplete. Give all your opinions ! C4C (leave link)

She claims she’d feel safe
even in a cube made of glass,
but we all know she’d smoke it;
she always needed a fortress
like those depressive songs
she built her life around,
as they sucked her to the lock-jaw,
leaving the remains on the ground
of the bathroom floor:
The one she adores, and lays, as her bed;
the pillow of tears that were once and always shed;
as she requests a Gillette to be her gravedigger.
A bitter end of a bittersweet soul...


EDIT: Yeah, I just made this into a song; it will remain this short. It's just unusual to me writing such a small piece..
Last edited by seventh_angel at Jul 30, 2008,
#2
Quote by seventh_angel
Now, I don't know really what to do with this one. I guess it will remain short as it is; but I feel there's something lacking in here, like it's incomplete. Give all your opinions ! C4C (leave link)

She claims she’d feel safe
even in a cube made of glass,
but we all know she’d smoke it;
maybe the "made" isn't necessary, in line 2.

she always needed a fortress
like those depressive songs
she built her life around,
like this a lot, good imagery
as they sucked her to the lock-jaw,
leaving the remains on the ground
of the bathroom floor:
bravo.
The one she adores, and lays, as her bed;
the pillow of tears that were once and always shed;
as she requests a Gillette to be her gravedigger.
A bitter end of a bittersweet soul...
nice end.



i see what you mean about feeling it's incomplete, i've read this quite a lot now, last night i decided i was too tired to think and thats why i couldn't see what was missing. then this morning the same thing, but now i've just accepted i have no idea what it is because i can't see anything bad here, hence the very minimalistic crit. my only suggestion would be that when i read it i didn't get connected to it at all, and maybe being detached makes it seem like it's missing something. sorry i couldn't be more help.
#3
Quote by seventh_angel
Now, I don't know really what to do with this one. I guess it will remain short as it is; but I feel there's something lacking in here, like it's incomplete. Give all your opinions ! C4C (leave link)

She claims she’d feel safe
even in a cube made of glass,
"Even" ruins the flow here. It makes the line too long, it cuts across the grain as far as rhythmic emphasis, and it's not required for grammatical purposes. Cut it with no replacement. The point of foolishness on her part still comes across without it.
but we all know she’d smoke it;
she always needed a fortress
Didn't like "Fortress" as a rhyme with either "glass" or "smoke it".
like those depressive songs
she built her life around,
as they sucked her to the lock-jaw,
leaving the remains on the ground
This line's a smidgen too long, but its wording is good, so you have some decisions to make...
of the bathroom floor:
Actually, "ground" in the previous line might need to be cut, because you say "floor" in this line.
The one she adores, and lays, as her bed;
the pillow of tears that were once and always shed;
as she requests a Gillette to be her gravedigger.
"Gillete" felt out of place here.
A bitter end of a bittersweet soul...
I really think this should rhyme with something. "Soul" doesn't get a bonus for being delivered in the sudden manner that some words get, and a rhyme will beef up its impact.



Decent work. As far as it being short, get used to it, because sometimes less is more. I don't know if there is anything you could add.
#4
Quote by seventh_angel


She claims she’d feel safe
even in a cube made of glass,
but we all know she’d smoke it;(drug word play?)
she always needed a fortress
like those depressive songs
she built her life around,(cliche but tolerable)
as they sucked her to the lock-jaw,(dont like lock jaw)
leaving the remains on the ground(cliche)
of the bathroom floor:
The one she adores, and lays, as her bed;
the pillow of tears that were once and always shed;(once and always is contradictory?)
as she requests a Gillette to be her gravedigger.
A bitter end of a bittersweet soul...(bitter is generic, would've liked another word)


EDIT: Yeah, I just made this into a song; it will remain this short. It's just unusual to me writing such a small piece..


I feel like it's missing a lot to, I will think about it, and get back to you.
I like your other stuff more, this was kinda boring to me. Nothing jumps out at me.
It's solid as a whole, but there is no line in there that makes me OMG1.

Crit mold in my sig plz.
#5
Quote by seventh_angel
Now, I don't know really what to do with this one. I guess it will remain short as it is; but I feel there's something lacking in here, like it's incomplete. Give all your opinions ! C4C (leave link)

She claims she’d feel safe
even in a cube made of glass,
but we all know she’d smoke it;
I like the claim vs reality thing here. Glass cube is great, too.
she always needed a fortress
like those depressive songs
she built her life around,
as they sucked her to the lock-jaw,
I didn't like the transition from the previous line to this one all that much.
leaving the remains on the ground
of the bathroom floor:
good imagery
The one she adores, and lays, as her bed;
the pillow of tears that were once and always shed;
This line is a bit long-winded to me. The "once and always" part adds too many words (IMO)
as she requests a Gillette to be her gravedigger.
Very nicely written line
A bitter end of a bittersweet soul...


EDIT: Yeah, I just made this into a song; it will remain this short. It's just unusual to me writing such a small piece..


I enjoyed this piece a lot, the only downside is that there really was no evolution going on in the story. It just kind of unfolded. There was no change in emotion or pace, and there wasn't really anything shocking or important that happened.

That being said, it was probably the best written of your pieces I've read, as far as imagery and word choice goes. The storytelling part was a step down from your other pieces though.
#7
She claims she’d feel safe
even in a cube made of glass,
but we all know she’d smoke it;
Hmm... you lost me right in the beginning with this.
Don't bring all of us into it, it's about her. Also the word
even takes away some of the certainty in your meaning.

she always needed a fortress
like those depressive songs
Depressive songs don't come across as a strong enough fortress
for what you have set up here.

she built her life around,
as they sucked her to the lock-jaw,
leaving the remains on the ground
of the bathroom floor:
The one she adores, and lays, as her bed;
the pillow of tears that were once and always shed;
as she requests a Gillette to be her gravedigger.
A bitter end of a bittersweet soul...
It started to pick up a bit - aside from some
odd grammar - until you personified name-brand deodorant.
More general would work better here.



This was just alright, except for the pillow line which was great. You need to clear up your intentions a bit; think a little more about what point you want to get across.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
I can really get everything you said about it. It's not my best work by far; I though it had some potential... Apparently it has (somewhat)

I just wanted to say to lithiumftw that there's nothing to predict in here. As Skaliveson said "there really was no evolution going on in the story. It just kind of unfolded. There was no change in emotion or pace, and there wasn't really anything shocking or important that happened."

It's just a small piece about someone's suicide.
#9
Quote by seventh_angel


She claims she’d feel safe
even in a cube made of glass,
but we all know she’d smoke it;
she always needed a fortress
like those depressive songs
she built her life around,
as they sucked her to the lock-jaw,
leaving the remains on the ground
of the bathroom floor:
The one she adores, and lays, as her bed;
the pillow of tears that were once and always shed;
as she requests a Gillette to be her gravedigger.
A bitter end of a bittersweet soul...



The only thing that I didn't like was that line because it felt very short compared to the other and kind of ruined the flow for me. Otherwise I really enjoyed it.
#10
Quote by seventh_angel
Now, I don't know really what to do with this one. I guess it will remain short as it is; but I feel there's something lacking in here, like it's incomplete. Give all your opinions ! C4C (leave link)

She claims she’d feel safe
even in a cube made of glass,
I'm not vibing the opening imagery, I have to say. It could be something much more interesting, but because it opens in this unfashionable statement, its too sudden and it doesn't allow your mind to adjust or simply reach into the flow.
but we all know she’d smoke it;
she always needed a fortress
like those depressive songs
she built her life around,
This was very good; real and simple. The way I like it baby!
as they sucked her to the lock-jaw,
Odd termanalogy, but its original so I'm diggin' it.
leaving the remains on the ground
of the bathroom floor:
I don't know whether it was a fluke or not, but this has a strong relation to the Eels song 'Elizabeth lying on the Bathroom Floor' - a song about how his sister committed suicide. Great little bit of writing though.
The one she adores, and lays, as her bed;
This is a bit cubersome, could be re-worded into something more flowing and effortless.
the pillow of tears that were once and always shed;
as she requests a Gillette to be her gravedigger.
A bitter end of a bittersweet soul...
Ohh, tastey stuff mate! I don't see how anyone can not like this.


EDIT: Yeah, I just made this into a song; it will remain this short. It's just unusual to me writing such a small piece..


A great little number this was! A track I would love to personaly here, more so than your others. The reason being, I can picture how the other, more lengthly ones, would sound - its very predictable in its tonality for me personally - but this one seems more ambiguous and different from your standard vibe, therefore something more eclectic and intriguing.

Digitally Clean