#1
I wish I could make this disappear.
I have a friend who says he's a magician,
I think I'll give hime a call and bring him a beer,
Ask him to do a little trick for me,
"Hello there Jack, nice to see you again."
I probably can't be here long so lets make this quick.

Marlboro reds only last,
half as long as camel straights,
I learned that tonight,
First thing I've learned in a while,
In a race with the blonde at the end of the bar,
a race against time and her red fingernails,
a race against life with each and every inhale.
I only won because she didn't know we were playing,
But God did she look beautiful doing it,
She made me want to take her upstairs,
look deep into her eyes and moan "lets burn this city down."
But the only thing that got burned was the window and the mirror.

I feel like a teenager,
trying to look tough,
with a sexual pose and a cellular phone.

The horses gallop in the streets,
Some rich boys from the suburbs get drunk on the weekends,
and play pool on the corner,
They want to be John Wayne.
Fair enough,
Because I just want to be gay.
#2
-high five- that was an absolute masterpiece. Loved the pacing, loved the image, loved the ending. Simply put, one of the best pieces I've read in a long while.
#3
Didn't like
I wish I could make this disappear. cllliiiccchhheeee
Didn't like
But the only thing that got burned was the window and the mirror. cllicheee
Didn't like
so lets make this quick. ffforced

Loved

Marlboro reds only last,
half as long as camel straights
beautiful.
Yes, that is the right word. I need a cig.

Fairly fond of the title, it stuck out at least.
The flow in the middle went a bit downhill; wasn't quick enough I didn't think.
Oh, and the rhyme in the first stanza. Hated it. Too forced, flowed weirdly.

With a bit of honing, this would be fanbloodytastic though
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Quote by bluesybilly
I wish I could make this disappear.
I have a friend who says he's a magician,
I think I'll give hime a call and bring him a beer,
Him* And you might want to change bring to take.. In my mind, bring makes it sound like he's sitting next to you or something.
Ask him to do a little trick for me,
"Hello there Jack, nice to see you again."
I probably can't be here long so lets make this quick.
The last line sounds like part of the statement to Jack, so you might want to consider wrapping the quotes around it instead of ending at again.

Marlboro reds only last,
half as long as camel straights,
I learned that tonight,
First thing I've learned in a while,
In a race with the blonde at the end of the bar,
a race against time and her red fingernails,
a race against life with each and every inhale.
I understand why you didn't capitalize the "a" here.. But I feel as if you could make this a more outspoken meaning if you did.. Such as "...red fingernails./A race..."
I only won because she didn't know we were playing,
But God did she look beautiful doing it,
She made me want to take her upstairs,
look deep into her eyes and moan "lets burn this city down."
But the only thing that got burned was the window and the mirror.
I understand what you're trying to convey.. But.. Maybe burn isn't the best word? I could be wrong.. But I don't think mirrors or windows burn. =P

I feel like a teenager,
trying to look tough,
with a sexual pose and a cellular phone.
This stanza sort of lost it for me.. I mean, I get the message (I think), but it's just not that strong of a stanza. And it sort of seems random in the sense that it isn't strong as others, nor as long as other stanzas.

The horses gallop in the streets,
Some rich boys from the suburbs get drunk on the weekends,
and play pool on the corner,
They want to be John Wayne.
Fair enough,
Because I just want to be gay.
I'm going to assume that the horses in the streets relates to the John Wayne line.. Because otherwise it wouldn't fit. lol I like the idea that you revealed here. It made the whole poem tie together and showed the meaning behind it all.



I liked it.
It was nicely written and had some good imagery and metaphors.

One thing I'd like to say, though... You don't have to have a comma at the end of each line, or any line. Leaving it off in places, or changing it to a period or something at some places can really strengthen a piece.
#5
dont change it

its perfect

and i'm very hesitant to say that about anything...even my favorite songs and favorite bands
#6
I feel like a teenager,
trying to look tough,
with a sexual pose and a cellular phone.

The horses gallop in the streets,
Some rich boys from the suburbs get drunk on the weekends,
and play pool on the corner,
They want to be John Wayne.
Fair enough,
Because I just want to be gay.

^fan-fucking-diddily-tastic. This could have stood alone. One of my favorite from you. You are easily in my top 3 favorite writers on this board.

Thank you.
#7
I wish I could make this disappear.
I have a friend who says he's a magician,
I think I'll give hime a call and bring him a beer,
i don't see the "cliche" opening as being a problem.
the repeated I (then verb) to start each line might be worth disguising, though.

Ask him to do a little trick for me,
"Hello there Jack, nice to see you again."
I probably can't be here long so lets make this quick.
you could easily drop so and break it into two lines at that point.

Marlboro reds only last,
half as long as camel straights,
I learned that tonight,
First thing I've learned in a while,
In a race with the blonde at the end of the bar,
a race against time and her red fingernails,
a race against life with each and every inhale.
I only won because she didn't know we were playing,
But God did she look beautiful doing it,
She made me want to take her upstairs,
look deep into her eyes and moan "lets burn this city down."
But the only thing that got burned was the window and the mirror.

I feel like a teenager,
trying to look tough,
with a sexual pose and a cellular phone.
you could be holding both of these.
idk, just the way my mind works.

The horses gallop in the streets,
Some rich boys from the suburbs get drunk on the weekends,
drop the first word of both these lines?

and play pool on the corner,
They want to be John Wayne.
Fair enough,
Because I just want to be gay.

Quote by ZanasCross
You are easily in my top 3 favorite writers on this board.
yeah, that.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Quote by bluesybilly
I wish I could make this disappear.
I have a friend who says he's a magician,
I think I'll give hime a call and bring him a beer,
I think the contents of this line should be reorganized, with some snip-snip on some unneccesary parts. It's alittle too long.
Ask him to do a little trick for me,
"Hello there Jack, nice to see you again."
I probably can't be here long so lets make this quick.
This felt way too long for me.

Marlboro reds only last,
half as long as camel straights,
I learned that tonight,
This line ruined the flow for me. And it was a good flow, too.
First thing I've learned in a while,
In a race with the blonde at the end of the bar,
a race against time and her red fingernails,
a race against life with each and every inhale.
I only won because she didn't know we were playing,
Hard for me to picture a rhythm, but content is good.
But God did she look beautiful doing it,
She made me want to take her upstairs,
look deep into her eyes and moan "lets burn this city down."
Meh, this last line finished on a cliche note for me.
But the only thing that got burned was the window and the mirror.

I feel like a teenager,
trying to look tough,
with a sexual pose and a cellular phone.
Nice set here.

The horses gallop in the streets,
Some rich boys from the suburbs get drunk on the weekends,
and play pool on the corner,
They want to be John Wayne.
Fair enough,
Because I just want to be gay.


It had this disjointed feel throughout the entire piece, which plenty of people like. I'm not one of them, but your content seems to work pretty well, and you've got some well-executed thoughts in here (though I think the "burn this city down" was poor. Maybe that entire section should be cut out, because it seemed fine without it).

Crit mine if you want, in my sig...
#9
Wow.
Thanks a bunch guys.
leave links.
I cant promise anything more than to try.

but I really will try.