#1
Elephants.


I had a talk with her, not that long ago
over the cordless,
over the phone.

If you could, you know, be given the opportunity to change things, be a good person. Would you take it?
Yeah I think so, with every ounce of my strength.
What if you didn't want too.
That makes you a bad person I think.
Yeah I guess so.

I can't remember, whether or not
I was given that chance yet but
I think that's a sign that it hasn't come,
or that I just passed by it. Maybe my memory isn't
what it used to be,
I was able to remember her face,
now it takes a full minute of remembering
the place were we had our first
kiss, to even get a glimpse or a sign
that her memory is still alive.
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#2
Quote by Something_Vague
Elephants.


I had a talk with her, not that long ago
over the cordless,
over the phone.
This is essentially two lines. Splitting it up into three means that you wanted a certain part emphasised, and possibly a special flow. The flow was good, but extra emphasis on "cordless" was not. It's not something that needs emphasis.

If you could, you know, be given the opportunity to change things, be a good person. Would you take it?
It was hard to take this in. By saying "you know", it made sense that you either wanted a disjointed feel, or you had an obligation to rhythm. This should be split up either way, to give your rhythm that extra bit of guidance, even if it's not very strict.
Yeah I think so, with every ounce of my strength.
What if you didn't want too.
That makes you a bad person I think.
Yeah I guess so.
I'm getting the disjointed feel again, which is fine, but I feel as if it's not impacting me as it should. I normally don't like line breaks, but this really needs it.

I can't remember, whether or not
I was given that chance yet but
"But", no matter how many times I read it, came across a smidgen too early. Maybe you can take the comma out of the first line to bring its length down a bit.
I think that's a sign that it hasn't come,
or that I just passed by it. Maybe my memory isn't
what it used to be,
Decent usage of line breakage, though this line ends prematurely for me.
I was able to remember her face,
now it takes a full minute of remembering
Good thought, though the delivery is somewhat sloppy.
the place were we had our first
kiss, to even get a glimpse or a sign
"Kiss" should probably go to the line above. "Glimpse" is a good internal rhyme.
that her memory is still alive.
Good way to end.


I fairly enjoyed this piece. It had a good feel to it, and flowed from topic to topic nicely.

Crit mine if you get the chance, in my sig.
#3
wow thats kinda creepy. this really reminds me of someone who i actually wrote a poem about a while back, and the title of it was about elephants too. the whole phone thing, and especially the last stanza too, sound like they couldve been written about that. you wouldnt happen to be stalking me would you?
anyways, as far as the peice itself, i thought it was well written, pretty to-the-point. the only thing i noticed about this technically was some punctuation that seemed a little off in a few spots. the first sentence in the third stanza seemed like it had a comma that should be moved, th pause between "remember" and "whether" just seemed weird. also you couldve combined the first two sentences in the second stanza, altho it kinda makes sense to seperate them since there tends to be emphasis on the pause there in actual speech, so i guess thats not important.
anyways, overall i liked it, especially because i could relate to it so well. honestly that was kinda spooky tho.
#4
I had a talk with her, not that long ago
over the cordless,
over the phone.
Don't change a thing.

If you could, you know, be given the opportunity to change things, be a good person. Would you take it?
Yeah I think so, with every ounce of my strength.
What if you didn't want too.
to*
That makes you a bad person I think.
Yeah I guess so.
I like the clumsiness of the phrasing in this part so much that I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

I can't remember, whether or not
I was given that chance yet but
I think that's a sign that it hasn't come,
or that I just passed by it. Maybe my memory isn't
what it used to be,
Oh, I don't know, I just don't know.
I was able to remember her face,
now it takes a full minute of remembering
the place were we had our first
kiss, to even get a glimpse or a sign
that her memory is still alive.
Yeah.
#6
So, to be short, because I'd hate to be long, this was well written and very honest. even graceful.

Only thing is, content-wise, this was rather whiny. Sorry, but by the middle of the last stanza I just wanted to pick up this person and slap them round a little. But I think I'm in a rather weird mood.

It was good.
This is not a pipe
#7
This was a great read! It flowed so nicely, maybe because you were using common termanology and every day speech patterns. But it didn't seem deriative because of that; it contained a perfect balance of conversational emotion and deep, thoughtful ramblings.
At first I didn't like this, but I didn't comment because I didn't really have anything constructive or commending to say, so I didn't bother. Now, of course, I love it, its certainly fresh and sweet. I did want to smack the character around a little, but to be honest, I like that! I love the way you have created someone who is so lifelike and worthy of carmel's slaps.

In the beginning of my rigorous reading , I noticed how disconected your opening stanza felt, but I gradually became aware of why one would do that: It set the scene for the rest of the story, mainly concerning a girl, but it also lent me a more personal view to this and I would rather allow that to myself and not let anyone else derive pleasure from it as much as I have done! Ha.

- "Maybe my memory isn't
what it used to be," - This stuck out to me, along with the entire ending.

- I also thought your way of adding in another description in the opening stanza with "over the phone" - and then "over the cordless" - it was glorious.

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