this isn't any good. i'm drunk. i don't know if i'll keep this or not. sorry i reverted. flashback to a friend's death. terrified about everything (though i know that doesnt matter here and nor should it). rough draft posted in full. again, sorry. any comments would be much appreciated. i'll get to returning all the ones on my last tomorrow. promise. enjoy i guess.

Next December

oh no my darling
the ground is cold
sunrise soon
turn the lock
open window
stare down
at the ropes around the apartments
at the nails piercing their heavy boards
at the cross eyes of the sidewalk
you knock hard at my door
who is, what happened
how did, how could he
bastard, hit me, i need just one more
his chest, his hand, bloodless,
drank your kisses
collapsed under the stars
a spinning ceiling of squinted lights
save me save me
put his stomach to rest
put the poor boys stomach to rest
so much alcohol in there
drowned in air
got heavier and heavier than god
he was god
dark eyes
lashes casting shadows on his forehead
just got a haircut
just got through another year with us
all of us, telling him, that all of his pathetic whims
would never breach his crystal throat
see the future watching mirrors
mouth rabid and alert
wanted to be an astronaut
when he was born
just wants to be breathing
by the morning.
oh no my darling too much for him
was it too much for him
splitting shoulders
splitting teeth with rivers of water
running. soaking. puddles underneath, jarred in that corner of his eye
looking skyward
was a martyr, never kissed me, never touched me
if he was ever dead at all,
yellow leaves shriveled in piles
keeping our younger selves warm
no heaven no where to go from his mouth
stuck soul, stuck fingers, humming for sky
gliding, open eyes of something sinking in
oh no my darling
i’m looking down
singing to myself
listening to you tell me the waves of the cross
the cross corners of the sidewalk beckoning
stations, to your stations!
split up, cracks down his chest like ice
crystals of his imagination
working their way out of his flesh
water cascading down from a pitcher
you found in your roommates cabinet
reached his hand down in his chest
found what he was looking for
and squeezed.
and squeezed me down,
now I’ll never…

i beat the bastard once at chess,
he punched me in the arm
“i bet you won’t ever do that again”
he whispered loud enough
he whispered the damn-
now he’ll see what he did to me
now I’ll never.
on knees, feel the bruise forming fast
big dark marks against snow
sat there not moving, heart in his hands
he was so glad, started singing low
sounds like a thunderstorm, orchestras
deep and ringing. chilling wind,
on my knees, light outside,
no damn prayer left, your pant leg’s soaked
convulsing celestial bodies
heaving against the ground I would have hit,
and hit him and hit him, you goddamn angel
he was an angel. great talons like an eagle.
you can still see the dark eyes in the moon
laughing, blue jays, pumping in your ears
beat. hearts flushed. new blood. old blood.
beatbeat. on no my darling.
no. i don’t believe it.

what a beautiful Morning.