#1
"Hey Baby,"
It's been over a month since I last saw her.
"I just wanted to let you know,"
Or even bothered talking to her.
"That you're the cutest boy I've known,"
So today I decided I'd lose myself
"The smartest,"
In fantasy;
"The Sweetest,"
Free pornography.
"Most caring."
I searched the internet for a matter of minutes,
"I had a dream about you last night,"
And it didn't take me long to find her.
"We were out in some city,"
A trashy little black-haired girl.
"You were wearing that black shirt I bought you last year,"
She was so pretty.
"You were so handsome."
I fell in love for thirty minutes.
"I told you I loved you."
It wasn't until that evening that I went through my photographs,
"We looked into each other's eyes."
And saw you and I locking lips before a skyline.
"It was so perfect."
We ****ed that night.
"What we have is perfect,"
She moved like a pornstar.
"And I will never forget you."
She looked like a pornstar.
"I'll love you forever."
I fell in love for a night.
#2
I was expecting "shot" to be something full of gore, but I like this too. Home tapes ftw.
Ibanez Xiphos XPT700
Laney VH100R
Epi Les Paul (SH-1 '59 neck, SH-11 custom custom bridge)
#4
i like what you did here, going from your perspective to hers and and back and forth and whatever. that was pretty cool. some parts seemed a bit blunt, i didn't like the 'so today i decided to lose myself in fantasy' part, i thought that was a real awkward, too straightforward lead in to the next part of the piece. other than that pretty nice work here. if you could take a look at mine its on the front page called 'zoo'
#5
Brilliant and I won't suggest anything because it doesn't need it.
#7
Wow, this is really really awesome. Great job.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#10
This is great, I love it. Congrats!
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#11
i think this is, perhaps, the weakest wotw i've ever seen on these forums.

firstly, the subject matter is absolutely bland. there's literally no depth to the male narrator (he appears to be proud of it also, which to me suggests an arrogance quite unbearable) and the female, whose words are inanely interwoven, appears stupidly naive. we've got, on the surface, a rather simplistic tale of a teen angstesque relationship with reference to pornography, crafted in this horribly pseudo-modernistic, chopped up, overly loquacious tone which is really pretty irksome.

the flow is horrendously dishevelled, bordering on non-existent, as a direct result of the unnecessarily consistent interchanging of character. and, what i find worse, is that this is not a new idea at all. i've read pieces switching back and forth between two characters perspectives (thought-process/dialogue) too many times before - it's been done a million billion trillion times which just adds to my dismay when i notice everybody applauding the originality.

if you disassociate this from the strange form you're left with what is essentially childishly cliché word-selection and phrasing ("so today i'd lose myself/in fantasy", "she was so pretty/you were so handsome/.../i told you i loved you/.../we looked into eachothers eyes", "i'll love you forever") an aggravatingly cluttered flow and, really, a vacuous, cerebrally void, nauseatingly futile piece.

not for me.

EDIT: and if anyone suggests mimetic fallacy i'm going to strangle them.

i actually loved a piece the TS did a while ago, "Hallelujah" or something, if that was him. kudos for that. it was incredible writing. that should of been wotw.
Last edited by skagitup at Aug 4, 2008,
#13
i don't think there's any such thing as "harsh" that has relevance here. that's entirely my opinion as is evident from the fact that i posted it. i am giving a genuinely honest view as to how i reacted to the piece. if the writer doesn't find that particularly affable (lol, jamie) then he's entirely welcome to disregard my thoughts entirely which, i would suppose, is quite likely going to be the case.
#14
Wow, thank you very much. Even to the negative comments, thank you. I appreciate your point of view no matter what the stance.

-thomasoman
#15
congrats.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#16
Quote by skagitup
i think this is, perhaps, the weakest wotw i've ever seen on these forums.
i agree it was weak.

it took a bit before the back and forth pseudo-dialogue lined up well.
that made for a rocky start.

nonetheless, it was a different style than we've seen in S&L, and worthy of a wotw on that basis alone. and it was a worthwhile read.


Quote by skagitup
i don't think there's any such thing as "harsh" that has relevance here. that's entirely my opinion as is evident from the fact that i posted it. i am giving a genuinely honest view as to how i reacted to the piece. if the writer doesn't find that particularly affable (lol, jamie) then he's entirely welcome to disregard my thoughts entirely which, i would suppose, is quite likely going to be the case.
take a pill, Alex. for someone who crits a crit as often as you do, you should be willing to accept being called out when it happens to you.
personally i think critting a crit is a bit silly, but you come here with unclean hands.


Quote by ottoavist
congrats.
+1
Meadows
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#17
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
i agree it was weak.

it took a bit before the back and forth pseudo-dialogue lined up well.
that made for a rocky start.

nonetheless, it was a different style than we've seen in S&L, and worthy of a wotw on that basis alone. and it was a worthwhile read.


take a pill, Alex. for someone who crits a crit as often as you do, you should be willing to accept being called out when it happens to you.
personally i think critting a crit is a bit silly, but you come here with unclean hands.


+1


i'm with him +1 But wow.. this was good. lol i dotn fellin like doinga crit right now tooo damn depressed. it'll turn into a rant about then i'll s**t on it haha. naw just playin. but it's a good piece for sure. i enjoyed it. and congratz
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#19
worth the read. Unfortunately not worth a whole lot more, but still worth the read.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#20
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew


nonetheless, it was a different style than we've seen in S&L, and worthy of a wotw on that basis alone. and it was a worthwhile read.


I'm pretty sure I could find several pieces that have done this before on S+L if i was willing to wade through 5 years of threads. being a "different style" is an absolutely unjust motivation (even casting aside the fact that this isn't "different") for applauding the writing, which was weak. step back and actually look at this, please.


take a pill, Alex. for someone who crits a crit as often as you do, you should be willing to accept being called out when it happens to you.
personally i think critting a crit is a bit silly, but you come here with unclean hands.


you're really starting to irritate me.

you say "crits a crit" as if it's a bad thing. i would never (ever, ever) dispute a genuine and well-founded opinion on a piece of work. the only time i ever respond unfavourably is when people have clearly not taken the time to read a piece with any real critical eye, rather, rushed out a standard "eh, this line r ok, this line is dumb" in order to receive a crit back, which is murderously disrespectful both to the writer and the boards. i find it hideously ironic that you attempt to ridicule "critting a crit" when perhaps the most noticeably sour example of "crit critting" stems from you exactly. i shant go any deeper, you know the thread i mean.
Last edited by skagitup at Aug 4, 2008,
#21
Well, I really enjoyed this piece. Plus, it's nice not seeing the same names we all know and, ahem, love, up there.

I agree with Jared that some parts were a bit sloppy but it really picked up pace into a pretty decent ending.

congrats.
#22
Quote by skagitup
I'm pretty sure I could find several pieces that have done this before on S+L if i was willing to wade through 5 years of threads. being a "different style" is an absolutely unjust motivation (even casting aside the fact that this isn't "different") for applauding the writing, which was weak. step back and actually look at this, please.


you're really starting to irritate me.

you say "crits a crit" as if it's a bad thing. i would never (ever, ever) dispute a genuine and well-founded opinion on a piece of work. the only time i ever respond unfavourably is when people have clearly not taken the time to read a piece with any real critical eye, rather, rushed out a standard "eh, this line r ok, this line is dumb" in order to receive a crit back, which is murderously disrespectful both to the writer and the boards. i find it hideously ironic that you attempt to ridicule "critting a crit" when perhaps the most noticeably sour example of "crit critting" stems from you exactly. i shant go any deeper, you know the thread i mean.



sometimes you say sensible things.

not a piece i'd have chosen for wotw, but congrats on it anyway




love is a dog from hell.



#23
Quote by we have sound

sometimes you say sensible things.


i taste more than a pinch of sardonicism
#24
Quote by skagitup
i taste more than a pinch of sardonicism


no, i was being serious this time actually. SYK needs to stop acting like he's a mod and stop acting so damn above everyone. no one likes an arse licker.




love is a dog from hell.



#26
ROFL dear god iono what it is between people but both of you expecially you skagitup have to put your d*cks down b4 sum one cuts them off. skag one i think the fact that you replied to someone's reply is straight up stupid and on purpose to galvanize him and had i been a mod i would have banned you for a week out of sheer stupidity. and some one. i think you should just let go of what skag said. who cares. we are all here to try and help each other. shake hands and hug and maybe kiss you you two are up to it. so just chiil. b4 the mods have to flex some muscle
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#27
jesus. most controversial WoTW piece i've ever seen...
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#28
Yeah, I feel bad having had this make WotW now, it obviously didn't deserve it, and its causing a lot of unnecessary trouble...so I apologize I guess?
#29
don't feel bad about writing something that causes people to speak out. good or bad, you had an affect on them. you moved them, either way. that's a good thing.

congrats, btw. i liked it.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#30
HAHA no man. dont feel bad. besides who gives a sh*t about what other people say. and dont apologize for a grievance you never committed. if anything they should apologize for turning this into such a fiasco.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#31
me<-needshelp: You are welcome to your opinion just as they are welcome to theirs; but use the fucking edit button or you are going to be warned. You've triple posted in like 10 threads now.

As to everyone else; if you are going to have a bitch fit with each other; fantastic. Take it to PM's. You are all welcome to your opinions on the piece; everyone may have their own interpretations... but once you've left the topic of how you feel about the piece and are just talking **** to each other, please don't Spam Thomas' thread.

As to the piece itself; Alex may be right to some extent. It may not be the first time a piece like this has been done on this board... that doesn't change the fact that I felt it was an enjoyable read. There were A LOT of solid pieces up this week (deamonika, Truly Ninja, Skag himself... etc), however, this was a very solid piece from someone who has been consistently good pieces and getting next to no recognition. I've been reading him and appreciating his work since I got here. Was this the best piece he has done; I can't say for sure... but I am damn proud to see him get some recognition, it is well deserved.

And Thomas: stop apologizing. Whether they like it or not doesn't matter. Take their criticisms in stride and build upon what you've got with the next one. You should never feel sorry because someone doesn't like your work. Obviously, someone like it or you wouldn't have gotten WotW. Take both praise and compliments and recongnition and move on, but don't apologize for where you've been. *climbs off soapbox*
#32
^*climbs on soapbox*

that was a pretty paragraph Zackary, that middle one there, and I agree. I have been following this kid for longer than you have and have barely ever commented on his stuff, which has all been good, but never enough to break any sort of glass ceiling. I don't this piece did that either, but it has been long deserved for him to get some sort of recognition. It was not a "different style" (I could show you five pieces I have written in the past year that follow a similar one) nor was it nearly as week as the incident that Jared pointed out ( ) but it was a great effort from someone who has been giving a hell of a lot of effort but falling under the radar for a very long time.

'grats
*wears soapbox like a hat*
#33
hahha yea yea. aight zana. well thats the end of that. wipes brow* oh and zana i aint gonna edit Xp i'm too damn lazy for that. O.o

edith and it wasnt 10 threads i think it was mroe like 3
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")