#1
Wrote this one on a whim, had an idea and went with it, I know it needs some tightening up but for right now I like it as is.

He swims in a pool, to him it's an ocean
Maybe more like a moat outside of his castle
Cause in reality a mobile home
Is too small for a king to roam

He lost it all and got everything back in return
Fame, fortune, and fanfare
Can't compare to all the lessons he's learned
Minimum wage might not be alot to you and me
But to him it's like winning the lottery

So why are we all complaining?
As he sits alone with a smile on his face
We waste our lives on past regrets
And not making the most of everyday
It's like they always say

You don't know what you've got
What you've got, what you've got
Til it's gone
You don't know what you've got
What you've got, what you've got
Tiil it's gone
This lawn chair's not alot, not alot
But to him it's a throne
You just don't know what you've got
What you've got, what you've got
Til it's gone

A friendly stranger in the street
Is his best friend
Even though deep down inside he knows
He'll never see him again
He keeps singing to himself until then


You don't know what you've got
What you've got, what you've got
Til it's gone
You don't know what you've got
What you've got, what you've got
Tiil it's gone
This trailor park is shot, it's not alot
But to him it's home
You just don't know what you've got, what you've got
Til it's gone
#2
It's bland and generic...wayyyyyyy too many forced rhymes, and even then, it sucks

MODEdit for content.
Ibanez X | Line 6 Spyder 75w

Punk or Bust!
#3
*reported*
Rude

I have to go to work but I will keep this page open and crit it tonight, I'll just edit this post. Sorry I can't get to it now.
#4
Quote by Mlnwd
Wrote this one on a whim, had an idea and went with it, I know it needs some tightening up but for right now I like it as is.

He swims in a pool, to him it's an ocean
Maybe more like a moat outside of his castle
Cause in reality a mobile home
Is too small for a king to roam
I agree with punkrockfan, this is too forced. The last two lines are pretty cliche.

He lost it all and got everything back in return
Fame, fortune, and fanfare
Can't compare to all the lessons he's learned
Minimum wage might not be alot to you and me
But to him it's like winning the lottery
I'm not really sure what you are trying to do here. It doesn't rhyme or make much sense, and it retains the cliche theme from before.

So why are we all complaining?
As he sits alone with a smile on his face
We waste our lives on past regrets
And not making the most of everyday
It's like they always say
This seems to be a very poor message. You are stating that living on minimum wage makes you happier than actually doing something with your life. Why would you ever say that? Not being a productive member of society just makes you a loser.

You don't know what you've got
What you've got, what you've got
Til it's gone
You don't know what you've got
What you've got, what you've got
Tiil it's gone
This lawn chair's not alot, not alot
But to him it's a throne
You just don't know what you've got
What you've got, what you've got
Til it's gone
Sorry, I'm not really feeling the chorus. It's pretty bland.

A friendly stranger in the street
Is his best friend
Even though deep down inside he knows
He'll never see him again
He keeps singing to himself until then
I don't understand what you are saying here. It doesn't seem to fit any story youve attempted to make.

You don't know what you've got
What you've got, what you've got
Til it's gone
You don't know what you've got
What you've got, what you've got
Tiil it's gone
This trailor park is shot, it's not alot
But to him it's home
You just don't know what you've got, what you've got
Til it's gone


I can't really figure out what the message is here, as the first two stanzas conflict in meaning. In the first stanza, you start a story but then change into a message that, to me, sounds incredibly childish. Why should we complain? He's just sitting around, doing nothing. He isn't much of a role model, so thus any shrining of him seems to be at the least misguided. Either way, I agree with posters on your other songs, as this is very commercial and thus a bit sappy.
Gibson J185 HELL YEA!!!!
#7
haha, didn't expect all the feedback, thanks for the critcism, not my best work, just had to write sometime