#1
Hey guys! I've been working on a pretty ambitious project for the past few weeks. I'm trying to make a cd with songs that all follow a certain storyline. Some of my favorite bands do it (Okkervil River, Cursive, etc.), so I'm gonna try it, too! Anyway, a little bit of background info on the story so far before this song: Basically, a guy comes to town and he's really depressed. He meets a girl. This song is about that encounter, told from his perspective. Crit for crit, as always!


The Line Between Right And Wrong

The machinery never succeeded in making anyone stronger
It was just a way to make the living suffer a little bit longer
Someone was making a fortune keeping the dying alive
This filled her with a feeling that was hard to describe
"I used to be blind," She said. "But now I can see
There ain't nothing in those clouds watching over me."
And that's when I found her, in need of a savior
God had failed her, she needed someone else to save her

Sure there is always a trick up my sleeve
But contrary to what most like to believe
The line between right and wrong hasn't blurred
The division of the two, well it never occurred

She said, "Yesterday, the day had finally come
When the cancer claimed the air in her lungs
And I've always been strong in the face of adversity
But I don't think I'm strong enough to pull through this tragedy."
I said, "I've never known loss, but I'm as lonely as you
I've never even had a loved one to lose
This could all end bad, but it's more than worth the risk
For both of us to feel anything but this"

And sure, I had a trick up my sleeve
But contrary to what most like to believe
The line between right and wrong wasn't blurred
The division of the two, well it never occurred

So I'm always practicing politics
And she spends her days constantly stoned
Yeah, I sleep with a girl I feel nothing for
But it's better than sleeping alone

And when I woke up, I found her sleeping peacefully
I wondered what her mother would say if she could see
Her daughter here exposed, stripped completely of her clothes
Completely at the mercy of a man she hardly knows

Who is always practicing politics
While she spends her days constantly stoned
Yeah, she sleeps with a man who doesn't care for her
But it's better than sleeping alone
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
Last edited by BigFatSandwich at Aug 1, 2008,
#2
not bad, i like it. What kind of music are you singing it to?
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You are very clever.


I invented this literary device I call sarcasm, that was an example of it.
#3
Quote by GU1T4R-H3R0
not bad, i like it. What kind of music are you singing it to?

Thanks! I'm really not too sure yet. But you can listen to the songs on my profile to get a general idea
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#4
Quote by BigFatSandwich

The machinery never succeeded in making anyone stronger
It was just a way to make the living suffer a little bit longer
Someone was making a fortune keeping the dying alive

This filled her with a feeling that was hard to describe
"I used to be blind," She said. "But now I can see
There ain't nothing in those clouds watching over me."
And that's when I found her, in need of a savior
God had failed her, she needed someone else to save her


I was wondering if you could explain these lines. I can't tell if this is an attack on doctors or something else.

Other wise it was a great read.
#5
Quote by Flow of soul
I was wondering if you could explain these lines. I can't tell if this is an attack on doctors or something else.

Other wise it was a great read.

The girl's mother was dying of cancer. They have her in the hospital, hooked up to a bunch of machines, but the girl doesn't see the point. She feels her mom is going to die soon, anyway. Just let her go. Why drag this out over such a long period of time? To make the hospital some extra money, that's why. Keeping her alive is costing a fortune.

The girl is obviously extremely upset and doesn't know how to deal with it, so she gets angry and cynical. I hope that helped explain!

And thanks. I'm glad you liked it.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#6
i enjoyed this piece. its definitely an interesting take, and i'm a sucker for concept albums.

EDIT: For whatever reason, this reminds me of Between the Buried and Me. Also, I was wondering, and I think(I Hope) that I'm allowed to do this, if you would crit my piece. Its called Judge, Jury, and Executioner. Here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15539856#post15539856
Last edited by metallifan3091 at Jul 31, 2008,
#7
i like it, its a good description of a pretty tragic relationship by the sounds. use of words was clever and as were the rhymes and links to next stanzas. i dont really feel the girl described should be too trusting of this stranger, which is cool you were able to convey that just through the lines:
I wondered what her mother would say if she could see
Her daughter here exposed, stripped completely of her clothes
Completely at the mercy of a man she hardly knows
and also the part where the guy is always practicing politics....i guess I, like most, dont trust politics and politicians. so straight away im a skeptic. its a cool to be able to make me feel that. also im guessing that the first three lines are about medicine and surgeries and the money made to pro long death. keep it up.
#8
Quote by servant 2 serve
i like it, its a good description of a pretty tragic relationship by the sounds. use of words was clever and as were the rhymes and links to next stanzas. i dont really feel the girl described should be too trusting of this stranger, which is cool you were able to convey that just through the lines:
I wondered what her mother would say if she could see
Her daughter here exposed, stripped completely of her clothes
Completely at the mercy of a man she hardly knows
and also the part where the guy is always practicing politics....i guess I, like most, dont trust politics and politicians. so straight away im a skeptic. its a cool to be able to make me feel that. also im guessing that the first three lines are about medicine and surgeries and the money made to pro long death. keep it up.

hey, thanks. yeah, you're right about the first few lines. and yeah, I was trying to convey that the guy shouldn't be trusted. I was also trying to show that, even though the guy is using her, he's also helping her a lot... so is he wrong in that situation?
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#9
"Sure there is always a trick up my sleeve
But contrary to what most like to believe
The line between right and wrong hasn't blurred
The division of the two, well it never occurred"

oh yea, that's what I like to see.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#10
Quote by BigFatSandwich

The Lime(line?) Between Right And Wrong

The machinery never succeeded in making anyone stronger
It was just a way to make the living suffer a little bit longer
Someone was making a fortune keeping the dying alive
This filled her with a feeling that was hard to describe
"I used to be blind," She said. "But now I can see
There ain't nothing in those clouds watching over me."
And that's when I found her, in need of a savior
God had failed her, she needed someone else to save her(beautiful rhyming, see/me was the only normal thing, epic)(first half was better, second part is too literal)

Sure there is always a trick up my sleeve
But contrary to what most like to believe
The line between right and wrong hasn't blurred
The division of the two, well it never occurred (nice word play for 3&4)

She said, "Yesterday, the day had finally come
When the cancer claimed the air in her lungs
And I've always been strong in the face of adversity
But I don't think I'm strong enough to pull through this tragedy."
I said, "I've never known loss, but I'm as lonely as you
I've never even had a loved one to lose
This could all end bad, but it's more than worth the risk
For both of us to feel anything but this"

And sure, I had a trick up my sleeve
But contrary to what most like to believe
The line between right and wrong wasn't blurred
The division of the two, well it never occurred

So I'm always practicing politics
And she spends her days constantly stoned
Yeah, I sleep with a girl I feel nothing for
But it's better than sleeping alone

And when I woke up, I found her sleeping peacefully
I wondered what her mother would say if she could see
Her daughter here exposed, stripped completely of her clothes
Completely at the mercy of a man she hardly knows

Who is always practicing politics
While she spends her days constantly stoned
Yeah, she sleeps with a man who doesn't care for her
But it's better than sleeping alone(epic ending)


This whole piece for me was hit or miss, I liked your word plays/more poetic passages. The literal straight forward parts werent as good.(imo) I really liked the rhyming of the first verse, and then it seems forced for the rest. Thanks for the crit.
Good message through out, and you stayed on subject throughout.
#11
hahaha I just noticed that I wrote lime instead of line. and NO ONE else pointed this out till now. thank you.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#12
well no i don't think he is wrong in that situation because it seem they have both always been lonely people and although it seems obvious he's using her, he also seems to be getting something gratifying (aside from sex) out of the relationship. nice work. oh n also im having hard time getting the word "blurred" to flow in my head. but maybe thats just me. i'll check out some of your other stuff.
#13
I don't have many other things in the songwriting forum. I have a bunch of stuff recorded on my profile, though.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#14
Dude... I love the story. lol ( i'm a big fan of story bands...lol) As I'm reading it, the words you use for imagery and such seems to throw a snapshot into my head. I can see your story through these little still frames you're shoving into my head. lawlz, thats a fgood thing.
I strongly indentify with your chorus, ( I always try to find somethign personal to connect with when I read or listen to songs, call me a freak IDC lol) I like the ending, it's not bleak, but it's not happy. Your last verse convey's a "hopeful" depression.... not like happy hopeful, just like.. it'll get slightly better but not much... yaknow? Hell, I don't even know, sorry. I just really like your ending.

What kind of music do you plan on putting to this?Somber, slow, mellow? Either way I'd really like to hear it. so.... either way.. cheerio!!

Oh, almosrt forgot... Would you mind critting an old piece?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=877861&highlight=Watchman+king
#15
rhyming savior with save her might work as an internal rhyme.
but used at the ends of lines, it's weak.

when sung you won't have the benefit of quotation marks.
no one will know when you're finished quoting her and have returned to describing her.
the part where she says "her" will completely muddle the thought.
if she is going to talk about her mother, you have to make it clear who she's talking about.
otherwise, it will seem as though you've gone back to describing the original her.

if there's a way to get all the important ideas across while having her speak less, that would surely benefit the clarity.
Meadows
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#16
And that's when I found her, in need of a savior
God had failed her, she needed someone else to save her

thought about what someoneyouknew said, i think it could still work if you alter it a lil bit. i was thinking maybe throw in some repetitions, it is the end of the intro stanza after all so you can try something different. i thought maybe:

And that's when I found her, in need of a savior
God had failed her, was my turn to save her, save her shave her.

i meant to write shave her, yaknow shes i'll and maybe her hairs falling out?? i dunno, maybe not just an idea.
#17
ha also was thinking about the quotations, it is hard to note where the quote ends it'll have t be made real obvious through the words you use.

She said, "Yesterday, the day had finally come
and now its here to claim the air in my lungs
they say I've been strong in the face of adversity
But I don't believe in myself to pull through this tragedy."
well I had to say, "I've never known loss, had none to lose
but i cant stand to feel as close to as lonely as you
we may become the real tragedy, but isnt it more than worth the risk
For both of us to feel anything but this" ( for us both to end eternal loneliness)

mmm im getting hungry.
#18
Quote by Flow of soul
I was wondering if you could explain these lines. I can't tell if this is an attack on doctors or something else.

Other wise it was a great read.


Sounds like someone's been reading too much Hemingway.
#19
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
rhyming savior with save her might work as an internal rhyme.
but used at the ends of lines, it's weak.

when sung you won't have the benefit of quotation marks.
no one will know when you're finished quoting her and have returned to describing her.
the part where she says "her" will completely muddle the thought.
if she is going to talk about her mother, you have to make it clear who she's talking about.
otherwise, it will seem as though you've gone back to describing the original her.

if there's a way to get all the important ideas across while having her speak less, that would surely benefit the clarity.

The savior and save her lines don't rhyme exactly, but I can make them work when I sing them. I learned that from hip-hop! Haha. But you have a point with the clarity thing. The lyrics will no doubt change a bit when I start to put them to music. I'll definitely keep that in mind.

Quote by servant 2 serve
She said, "Yesterday, the day had finally come
and now its here to claim the air in my lungs
they say I've been strong in the face of adversity
But I don't believe in myself to pull through this tragedy."
well I had to say, "I've never known loss, had none to lose
but i cant stand to feel as close to as lonely as you
we may become the real tragedy, but isnt it more than worth the risk
For both of us to feel anything but this" ( for us both to end eternal loneliness)

That changes the meaning of the song too much. But I'll keep the issues with the quotations in mind when I revise it.

Quote by prydxkilxglory
What kind of music do you plan on putting to this?Somber, slow, mellow? Either way I'd really like to hear it. so.... either way.. cheerio!!

Oh, almosrt forgot... Would you mind critting an old piece?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=877861&highlight=Watchman+king

Most likely somber music. And I'll crit your piece when I get home in a couple hours.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#21
Quote by #1 synth
I remember a few years back when we were going to collab on a song for an S&L contest.

Good times, good times...

oh, and the piece is very good.

Hey yeah I remember that! And thanks!
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#22
- "I said, "I've never known loss, but I'm as lonely as you
I've never even had a loved one to lose" - I've always desired to write something along this lines... line. You did it so beautifully.

There is little I need to say. SYK explained mostly what I noticed personally: If you plan on singing this, no one is going to notice the quotation marks so you need to discover another method of displaying a similar message and feeling that quotation marks convey.

This was very pretty, sad and really quite lovely! I will try and find other works from you from now, just for the simple enjoyement factor I derived from this!

Digitally Clean
#23
Some nice lyrics there. I especially liked "Yesterday, the day had finally come
When the cancer claimed the air in her lungs".

I'd like to hear how it sounds when read or sung though, because that AABBCCDD rhyme scheme always makes me read it as a Dr. Suess style limeric. Not that there's anything wrong with the rhyme scheme, it just has to be sung properly with the right music.

Still, I like the language used, nice piece. So is this the beginning of the story or the middle?
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