#1
The Portrait.

A dream scattered on a shallow sky
A picture hangs on the wall
Picturesque reality too far to signify
a meaning to this test I must fulfill
Spending time on sand and mountain tops
I'm wasting my reality
I need the will to fight this out

If dreams were meant to live
why would I store them at bay
If reality was a failed scene
then why can't I just walk away

A test of will and desire
A step away from change
The pictures call out afar
the scene still lays incomplete
Strokes of luck feathered with blood
I paint on my reality
this couldn't be too far away

If dreams were meant to live
why would I store them at bay
If reality was a failed scene
then why can't I just walk away

This picturesque scene comes alive
shining through my life
shining through reality
What meaning must this signify
This picturesque scene still alive
build up patience
build up memory
This is all that'll be left behind.
#2
I'm surprised this hasn't gotten any attention.

A dream scattered on a shallow sky
A picture hangs on the wall
Beautiful, yet what I'd really like to see here is
in a picture instead of chopping it up like that.

Picturesque reality too far to signify
a meaning to this test I must fulfill
Spending time on sand and mountain tops
Once again, this may be crossing the line of suggestion,
but on mountain tops of sand would be a much crisper image
and convey the same abstractness you're getting at.

I'm wasting my reality
I need the will to fight this out
This last line is too much, sounds cliched,
and doesn't add anything new.
It would be a perfect ending with
I'm wasting my reality as the last line.


If dreams were meant to live
why would I store them at bay
You're mixing two expressions here
and it makes little sense. Either stick to
keep them at bay or, as I would suggest,
do some remodeling of the whole line.

If reality was a failed scene
By now the word reality has fulfilled it's
purpose and been thrown away. Let's spray some Febreze
and get some fresh vocab going.

then why can't I just walk away

A test of will and desire
Once again I'd say this line doesn't do much,
but taking it away would add much to the piece.

A step away from change
The pictures call out afar
the scene still lays incomplete
Strokes of luck feathered with blood
I paint on my reality
ahem
this couldn't be too far away

If dreams were meant to live
why would I store them at bay
If reality was a failed scene
then why can't I just walk away

This picturesque scene comes alive
picturesque isn't a very nice word.
Good spot to mention 'show don't tell'.

shining through my life
shining through reality
Now I realize what a predicament changing
reality would put you in... but I stick by my decision.
too much, just too much.

What meaning must this signify
This picturesque scene still alive
build up patience
build up memory
This is all that'll be left behind.
Solid ending.


I'm not going to say the awkward capitalization bothered me, since that's easy enough to get by (though also very easy to correct), but some of the repetition was a bit tedious. It would be different were it used in an intentional way, but I get the feeling from he writing that you just couldn't find any other words than reality and picturesque. Besides those two things I found this to be a very enjoyable piece. If I could apply any specific image to the whole thing, it would be Dali's Persistence of Memory.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.