#1
bit of fun, again. c4c

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really worth it.
All the air,
water,
food.

There are starving kids in Korea.
I'm a fat kid in America.

But really, shouldn't I be the one to starve?
I mean, every Korean is a genius.
It's a law in Korea:
if you're dumb, you're Chinese;
if you're smart, you're Korean;
They all look the same anyways.

I'm stealing some starving kids food,
he'll die looking like a pencil
and then I'll die of the cancer he
would have cured if I would have just
given him my food and perished.

Life's a bitch on a rotating platter.
#2
I believe you've mistaken intelligence for instrumental abilities

This didn't have the same amazing flow as most of your pieces, and wasn't as interesting either. Though you bring up a good point, I don't think you had enough fun with this.

Have more fun!
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
Quote by ZanasCross
bit of fun, again. c4c

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really worth it.
All the air,
water,
food.

There are starving kids in Korea.
I'm a fat kid in America.

But really, shouldn't I be the one to starve?
I mean, every Korean is a genius.
It's a law in Korea:
if you're dumb, you're Chinese;
if you're smart, you're Korean;
We all look the same anyways.

I'm stealing some starving kids food,
he'll die looking like a pencil
and then I'll die of the cancer he
would have cured if I would have just
given him my food and perished.

Life's a bitch on a rotating platter.

Nice view.
But maybe going a little too harsh on yourself!
Why do you think you're stealing the starving kids food? Or do we need to get a little too political to examine this?

I like it. Its very simple and straightforward. Get a hint of displeasure against the Koreans. A lot of sympathy for the kid in africa.
Its very relaxed or should i say more like disconnected. Although there's a use of strong words, it seems emotionless. Lacking in empathy. Sorta like how life/the world has become. We all know there's the poor kid in Africa starving to death, we feel sorry for him. But yet we don't feel any emotions towards him. Like we've become desensitized to the crisis there.

I love these lines though:
"I'm stealing some starving kids food,
he'll die looking like a pencil
and then I'll die of the cancer he
would have cured if I would have just
given him my food and perished."

Sorta giving a sense that he really deserves the food you're stealing of him and you deserve to die. You have really dropped down yourself here while risen the kid's significance much above yours. Where he could have been capable of curing cancer while you've rendered yourself pretty worthless and dying of cancer.
Its a damn strong phrase!!

Like the end too. "Life's a bitch on a rotating platter".
Could be true if you're willing to look at it that way. Though nice way of summing it up!!
And the way i interpret it, i presume the rotating platter is this planet.

I don't think there's any where i can or should make any corrections to it. Its your piece and represents you, i shouldn't taint it with any nitty-grittyness! So just giving you my interpretation of it!
And i do quite like it!
#4
Quote by ZanasCross
bit of fun, again. c4c

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really worth it.
All the air,
water,
food.
This had a nice little flow to it. You definitly couldn't continue with this, but it paid its upkeep.

There are starving kids in Korea.
I'm a fat kid in America.
"America" didn't feel like a good way to end the line. I'd chop two syllables off. Heck, maybe try "the states". You'll snag some nice alliteration.

But really, shouldn't I be the one to starve?
A small irk in the rhythm so far, but nothing bad.
I mean, every Korean is a genius.
It's a law in Korea:
if you're dumb, you're Chinese;
if you're smart, you're Korean;
We all look the same anyways.
Koreakoreakorea. Too much usage of that word. I didn't really like this stanza.

I'm stealing some starving kids food,
he'll die looking like a pencil
and then I'll die of the cancer he
would have cured if I would have just
given him my food and perished.
Line breaks were decent here, and coming from a guy that shuns them altogether, that's pretty good.

Life's a bitch on a rotating platter.
OH! Nice!!



I liked the wording on multiple occasions, but it just felt more like conversation than actual song or poetry. It also felt like it moved from one section to the next rather slowly. We're pigs, they're dying, but it felt like you spent alot of time explaining that to us. The real unique stuff (the cancer bit, for example) didn't come until the second half. Not one of your better pieces, but still solid.

Crit mine in my sig if you like.
#5
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really worth it.
All the air,
water,
food.
It's a nice opening, but it doesn't set a new tone or anything. I think it could use a twist or at least some interesting wording, just to lure in the reader a bit better.

There are starving kids in Korea.
I'm a fat kid in America.
I'm still waiting for a hook, something that will make this take a step deeper than the obvious.

But really, shouldn't I be the one to starve?
I mean, every Korean is a genius.
It's a law in Korea:
if you're dumb, you're Chinese;
if you're smart, you're Korean;
We all look the same anyways.
lol, well it's definitely not boring now. Just very blunt and unforgiving. It's not really factual, but yet it has that tone. It's interesting. I didn't get the "we", because you said prior that you're American... this confused me a little.

I'm stealing some starving kids food,
he'll die looking like a pencil
and then I'll die of the cancer he
would have cured if I would have just
given him my food and perished.
I actually really liked this part from a concept POV, but I thought the "I will... he would... I would.." was a little clumsy. Other than that, I liked.

Life's a bitch on a rotating platter.
Very sharp ending, but it works with the piece.

I liked the tone of the piece more than anything else, but I think you were struggling to convey certain points throughout. Then again, maybe it's just a bit rough for my current mood. It was a nice read though.
This is not a pipe
#6
it's an interesting piece. very informal, i would have had the opening the otherway round though. from least essential to most. i.e, all the food, water, air. that way you're devaluing yourself as you go. also with air being by far the most abundant of the three, ending on that speaks a lot more about your unworthiness... IMO anyway.

i thought there was something very awkward about "i'm a fat kid from america", but that added to the whole as it slightly unsettles you.

the last 6 lines were great. good job.


other then that nothing really to add.
#7
Quote by ZanasCross
bit of fun, again. c4c

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really worth it.
All the air,
water,
food.
I'm not personally diggin' your opening. Its OK, certainly, but it doesn't set any sort of tone or vibe, its just there. With no interesting wordings or complimentative 'air'.

There are starving kids in Korea.
I'm a fat kid in America.
Are you a fat kid in America?

But really, shouldn't I be the one to starve?
I mean, every Korean is a genius.
It's a law in Korea:
if you're dumb, you're Chinese;
if you're smart, you're Korean;
They all look the same anyways.
I love this last line. You have this excellent way of creating emotion out of everyday jokes and themes, something that is truly enviable.

I'm stealing some starving kids food,
Ah, but your not stealing it are you? I'm being ignorant today so don't listen to me.
he'll die looking like a pencil
and then I'll die of the cancer he
would have cured if I would have just
given him my food and perished.
Excellent way to tie it all together a little better. This is short and repeats a similar idea and theme throughout, but thats what it needs. Great input.

Life's a bitch on a rotating platter.
Quality ****.


A little bit of fun for the mouth.

Digitally Clean
#8
This is sweet. I wish I would've thought of the concept of fat kids here and starving kids overseas. Why should some kid in America live if he ain't gonna do anything productive for the rest of his life? While if some smart kid in Korea is kept alive he could possibly change the world in some sort of way.

Deep


http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15554101&posted=1#post15554101