#1
Hey guys. I know I posted this earlier and accidentally got the thread closed because I bumped (I didn't read the rules). Anyway, I was hoping that some of you might take a look at it and crit it. Its my first lyrical composition, and its set to a thrash metal background. Vocally, it should remind you of older Metallica, Slayer, and The Blackening era Machine Head somewhat.

Judge, Jury and Executioner

You’ve had your chance,
Redemption lost
Now its time to pay
Destroyed the innocent,
Raped the weak,
Your judgment day is now

Judge
Jury
And executioner
The verdict is in
You’ve lost your opportunity
Now its time to pay for your sins
Your end is here

Corroded link
In the chain of life,
Worthless, wretched,
Your end a gift to man
Consider this a permit
To the warrens of the Damned

Judge
Jury
And executioner
The verdict is in
Condemned to burn
For crimes committed
Against your own race

On the ground,
Eyes squeezed tight,
Your last words pathetic
No chance for mercy now,
You’ve earned your time
Death is your only freedom

Judge
Jury
And executioner
The verdict is in
Death awaits
You’ve fallen from grace
Now its time to die

Blood runs cold
Fists clench tight
You know its over now
With his gun raised
He delivers his sentence
And you pay for your crimes

Judge
Jury
And executioner
The trial is ended
Vigilante justice reigns
Clearing away the faults
Of our social order

The deed is done
A blemish cleansed
Civilization rests at ease
As night falls,
Its over now
And the city sleeps

EDIT: thanks for all the crits. I edited this, adding a new stanza and chorus, because my band told me that it wasn't long enough, and I removed the rhyme that you all hated, lol.
Last edited by metallifan3091 at Sep 1, 2008,
#2
Quote by metallifan3091

Judge, Jury and Executioner

You’ve had your chance,
Redemption lost
Now its time to pay
Destroyed the innocent,
Raped the weak,
Your judgment day is now

Judge
Jury
And executioner
The verdict is in
You’ve lost your opportunity
Now its time to pay for your sins
Your end is here

On the ground,
Eyes squeezed tight,
Your last words pathetic
No chance for mercy now,
You’ve earned your time
Death is your only freedom

Judge
Jury
And executioner
The verdict is in
Death awaits
You’ve fallen from grace
Now its time to die

Blood runs cold
Fists clench tight
You know its over now
With his gun raised
He delivers his sentence
And you pay for your crimes

Judge
Jury
And executioner
The trial is ended
Vigilante justice reigns
Clearing away the stains
Of our social order

The deed is done
A blemish cleansed
Civilization rests at ease
As night falls,
Its over now
And the city sleeps

Its very metal, its not my genre, I'd tear it apart. lol, and no offense. I just like the less brutal lyrics/more melodic lyrics. I get huge metallica vibes from this, which may be what you are going, and if so good job.

Thanks for the crit.
#3
Quote by metallifan3091
Hey guys. I know I posted this earlier and accidentally got the thread closed because I bumped (I didn't read the rules). Anyway, I was hoping that some of you might take a look at it and crit it. Its my first lyrical composition, and its set to a thrash metal background. Vocally, it should remind you of older Metallica, Slayer, and The Blackening era Machine Head somewhat.

Judge, Jury and Executioner

You’ve had your chance,
Redemption lost
Now its time to pay
Destroyed the innocent,
Raped the weak,
Your judgment day is now
jesus! starts pretty full on, "raped the week" "destroyed the innocent"
Judge
Jury
And executioner
The verdict is in
You’ve lost your opportunity
Now its time to pay for your sins
Your end is here
this is a path well traveled. its all a bit familiar for me, but i guess thrash metal is a cliche genre... i think, i dont really listen to it.
On the ground,
Eyes squeezed tight,
Your last words pathetic
No chance for mercy now,
You’ve earned your time
Death is your only freedom
this stanza was far better then the previous one.
Judge
Jury
And executioner
The verdict is in
Death awaits
You’ve fallen from grace
Now its time to die

Blood runs cold
Fists clench tight
You know its over now
With his gun raised
He delivers his sentence
And you pay for your crimes

Judge
Jury
And executioner
The trial is ended
Vigilante justice reigns
Clearing away the stains
Of our social order
didn't think the rhyme was necessary, you dont try to rhyme anywhere else. and stains is such a lackluster word.
The deed is done
A blemish cleansed
Civilization rests at ease
As night falls,
Its over now
And the city sleeps


its a common subject matter but you've made a fair job of it. i'm not such a metal fan though. i hope this is of some use to you.
#4
I like it man, it looks good. Second Verse is probably my favourite. I'd love to hear what it sounds like. I don't know about anyone else, but I read this and I get melodies in my head instantly; Parts just seem to work for me for some reason, though (And I wouldn't really say I'm a hardcore metal fan, although I do listen to a fair bit from time to time).
#5
i would really like to like to hear how the beat is played in this song...
i like the lyrics.
some stuff could be changed.
but i think it sounds more testament than metallica.
but it has lots of potential.
#6
I really don't know a whole lot about the metal genre so I don't know if I'd be able to provide a decent crit. It seems like it could work as thrash metal, though. The only thing I'd suggest, though, is giving it some sort of rhyme scheme to make it all flow a little bit better.

Thanks for the crit, by the way!
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#8
Quote by metallifan3091
Hey guys. I know I posted this earlier and accidentally got the thread closed because I bumped (I didn't read the rules). Anyway, I was hoping that some of you might take a look at it and crit it. Its my first lyrical composition, and its set to a thrash metal background. Vocally, it should remind you of older Metallica, Slayer, and The Blackening era Machine Head somewhat.

Judge, Jury and Executioner

You’ve had your chance,
Redemption lost
Now its time to pay
Destroyed the innocent,
Raped the weak,
Your judgment day is now

Nice beginning, I enjoyed how you started off extremely powerful, that really grabbed my attention.

Judge
Jury
And executioner
The verdict is in
You’ve lost your opportunity
Now its time to pay for your sins
Your end is here

A little cliche, but thrash metal has been done alot, and well, there's nothing you can really do about it, and i do like it, very Metallica-isk.

On the ground,
Eyes squeezed tight,
Your last words pathetic
No chance for mercy now,
You’ve earned your time
Death is your only freedom

Very nice. This is probably my favorite stanza, it leaps right outta the page and punches me right in the mouth. I like it. alot. I would have children with it. Okay maybe not, but still.

Judge
Jury
And executioner
The verdict is in
Death awaits
You’ve fallen from grace
Now its time to die

Very Metallica-ish. I'm pretty sure that's what you were shooting for, and I'm pretty sure you've nailed the nail on the head with this stanza.

Blood runs cold
Fists clench tight
You know its over now
With his gun raised
He delivers his sentence
And you pay for your crimes

The phrase 'Blood Runs Cold' is kind of overused, I have seen it alot, but it does sound really nice in this stanza.

Judge
Jury
And executioner
The trial is ended
Vigilante justice reigns
Clearing away the stains
Of our social order

Very nice. The rhyme in lines three and four is kind of off beat, but I do like it. Very finesse.

The deed is done
A blemish cleansed
Civilization rests at ease
As night falls,
Its over now
And the city sleeps

Damn man, beautiful ending. I really really like it. There is nothing that can really be said about it. It even flows well!


C4C mang?
I'd really appreciate it. =D
#9
Quote by Matt Chavie
Its very metal, its not my genre, I'd tear it apart. lol, and no offense. I just like the less brutal lyrics/more melodic lyrics. I get huge metallica vibes from this, which may be what you are going, and if so good job.

Thanks for the crit.


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#10
Very metal, I like it a lot. The lyrics are very well thought out and everything seems to flow very well. I favourite part, "Death awaits, you've fallen from grace, And now it's time to die" is extremely well written and powerful. There are some cliches, but like already stated by someone, it's so hard not to have cliches in thrash metal. Thanks a lot for your crit earlier it was very helpful.
#11
Thanks for ur crit earlier. Tbh metal isn't my thing and I know nothing about it so I probs won't be able to provide any useful comments although I thought the structure was very good and would be intrigued to hear how it sounds with music. It is quite reptitive towards the end but perhaps that's for emphasis and I really liked your last stanza.
"Love is so short, and oblivion so long." - Pablo Neruda
#13
Judge, Jury and Executioner...... sounds a little like Metallica's song Dirty Window...... Did you get it from there?
#14
Quote by Slasher21
Judge, Jury and Executioner...... sounds a little like Metallica's song Dirty Window...... Did you get it from there?

Is that one on Death Magnetic? I don't have it yet, and I haven't heard anything except the radio single. |Hopefully it doesn't sound too much like a ripoff of it, since I don't even know it, lol. Musically, its not, I promise.