#1
I want to make this piece better. Please help me in that cause. I will repay in full. pantoum


"Black Magic"

as Jim D. Atkinson darkly hummed,
a violin case’s echo clicked;
the music that shotgun shells now numbed
turned cold to beat the floor like bricks;

a violin case’s echo clicked,
eyes skyward, trigger strummed;
turned cold to beat the floor like bricks,
the usher’s arms crossed and drummed,

eyes skyward, trigger strummed;
children’s voices frozen, reverberation thick,
the usher’s arms crossed and drummed;
inhuman shadows made by a single chalice wick

children’s voices frozen, reverberation thick;
hymnals dim and thumbed,
inhuman shadows made by a single chalice wick;
“God give us courage” universally gummed,

hymnals dim and thumbed
the music that shotgun shells numbed
“God give us courage” universally gummed
as Jim D. Atkinson darkly hummed
as Jim D. Atkinson darkly hummed.
#3
it was the only other usable word that rhymed.

though the more I thought about it the more I liked it and I think it fits. I can see where you are coming from though .

looking forward to your thoughts.
#4
children’s voices frozen, reverberation thick;
reverberation felt too long the first place in the position it was in, but the repetition worked wonderfully so I don't know what I'm complaining about.

I read it out loud the first time I read it, and this made the last line not fit. I don't think it's particually needed unless the flow in that stanza would be presented in a different way.

Gummed was odd, indeed, but although on the first read it felt very forced, it felt very fitting afterwards. Drummed was more off, I thought, but I had no major problem with it. Just when that's done on a few different words, you know, forc-ed, it stopped working quite so well with the overall feeling.

A good, interesting read; I can see why you'd want to make it better though it's good as it is. A few tweaks and it'd get there.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
yeah, I need to change line eight to make more sense. I am writing about a certain incident that occurred in Tennessee a couple days back and I just want to do it justice.

Thanks you both a lot for taking the time to read.

Kathrine: you want anything you want me to check out?

Carmel: I'll get back to you via PM
#7
Quote by #1 synth
I want to make this piece better. Please help me in that cause. I will repay in full. pantoum


"Black Magic"

as Jim D. Atkinson darkly hummed,
a violin case’s echo clicked;
I will have to look this up as to what you are talking about. Its not something I derive great pleasure from but it still is an essential method of learning and therefore is hunckey' dorey' in my eyes!
the music that shotgun shells now numbed
turned cold to beat the floor like bricks;
These two are very catchy. I can't add anything more to it or I don't have any reconmendations to improve on it.

a violin case’s echo clicked,
eyes skyward, trigger strummed;
turned cold to beat the floor like bricks,
the usher’s arms crossed and drummed,
I can see why DigUpHerBones would not be so keen on "drummed", I don't like the word very much either, but it suits this rather well.

eyes skyward, trigger strummed;
children’s voices frozen, reverberation thick,
This feels off and a little forced. I can appreciate the difficultly involved here though.
the usher’s arms crossed and drummed;
inhuman shadows made by a single chalice wick
The first two words don't coincide perfectly with the last three, they didn't for me anyway.

children’s voices frozen, reverberation thick;
hymnals dim and thumbed,
Another word to acclimatize to.
inhuman shadows made by a single chalice wick;
“God give us courage” universally gummed,
Haha, fantastic! I love the word use here.

hymnals dim and thumbed
the music that shotgun shells numbed
“God give us courage” universally gummed
as Jim D. Atkinson darkly hummed
as Jim D. Atkinson darkly hummed.
The repetition is obvious and clearly needed. Great penmanship.


Well I will say that I can understand why you would want to have this as perfect as humanly possible, it contains an excellent theme and even better method of writing - I have come across this before, but only about 5 minutes ago when I was reading Jammy's! - There is very little I can see that could be corrected, especially seeing as this technique is very new to me. I have no prior experience with it and therefore can't lend much a strong hand.
Keep tweaking, I reckon you can make this perfect.
I believe in you!!

Digitally Clean
#8
Quote by #1 synth

Kathrine: you want anything you want me to check out?


Nah, I don't have anything new up, and if I don't get this one thing I'm working on up tomorrow, I won't within the next couple of weeks. If you see anything new floating around though, I'd love to know your views .

If you edit this, I shall have to remind myself once I'm back to the internet to have a read.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!