#1
A much worse attempt at a Pantoum than Dylan. But alls fun.

I owe fishy and Kent, I'll try and get you back soon. I pwomise.


Shy and shivering, in the cold
Standing back to a wall,
Eyes weathered, getting old
She's standing still but small.

Standing back to a wall,
Fingers tracing fuzzy mould.
She's standing still but small
Waiting to be sold.

Fingers tracing fuzzy mould;
Orange brick to thigh they crawl,
Waiting to be sold,
Eyes narrow, lips open, she calls.

Orange brick to thigh they crawl -
Off- balance, need the holds -
Eyes narrows, lips open, she calls.
Above the noise her stories told.

Off-balance, need the holds,
Eyes weathered, getting old,
Above the noise her stories told;
Shy and shivering, in the cold
#3
i'd never heard of a pantoum before i read #1 synth's. it's good to read something different. (obviously that goes to both of you)

but bravo, i really liked it. i wasn't sure on the "eyes narrow" line. i would have thought it would be better if she had wide eyes, ever observant, always looking for danger / work. but apart from that, you'll get no trouble from me.
#4
i liked it, everytime i read it i picture a painting of lady with her back to an orange brick wall. seems her shes getting old and hasnt had any luck in getting sold. lines like "standing still but small" and "off balance needs the hold" paint this picture for me. cool writing, i liked the thought it invoked in me...
#5
Thanks.

The imagery is so lacking in this. You can tell I wrote it in fifteen minutes.

I'll post another one later in the week, hopefully better. It's a nice form, actually. Easier than a villenelle.
#6
I really enjoyed the interesting change of writing method you used here - I also have never heard of that particular technique (or any expansive technique for that matter) - One thing I will say though is how it all feels excatly the same. I know thats what needs to happen, it needs to be repeated to add the emphasis and importance. But the repetition of all those tenses where the 's' is at the end of everything just overcrowds the imagery and fashionable style of writing you incorporate here. (I don't know the correct term to use to describe that)
For the first three stanza's I am fully aware of what is going on, but after that I just become lost in all the repeated phrases and ideas.
You did a very brave and nice job of this, it's something I will not be attempting for quite something - I deffinitely will though - So cudos to you mate.
I hope you understood my rant and I didn't just come across as an ignorant twat.

Digitally Clean
#7
Quote by Jammydude44

Shy and shivering, in the cold
Standing back to a wall,
Eyes weathered, getting old
She's standing still but small.
Okay. No flaws that I can see, but it doesn't leap out at me, even though your word selection fits the mold. Line three was good.

Standing back to a wall,
Fingers tracing fuzzy mould.
She's standing still but small
Waiting to be sold.
Fuzzy mould? Fuzzy doesn't sound very musical to me. And I don't like the Pantoum form. It seems like your making an effort to progress in a slower fashion, and the form adds to that slowness.

Fingers tracing fuzzy mould;
Orange brick to thigh they crawl,
Waiting to be sold,
Eyes narrow, lips open, she calls.

Orange brick to thigh they crawl -
Off- balance, need the holds -
Eyes narrows, lips open, she calls.
Above the noise her stories told.

Off-balance, need the holds,
Eyes weathered, getting old,
Above the noise her stories told;
Shy and shivering, in the cold


It's hard for me to crit this. I couldn't really get a coherent storyline going in my head. However, the flow of each line seemed well thought out, and the word selection is what lept to me regarding this. "Eyes narrow..." was an example of how you created your own rhythm without a massive structural change (rather, with punctuation in this case).
I didn't like the form. I just don't like how freaking slow it is.

Crit mine if you want, in my sig.