#1
wrote this last night, would appreciate some feedback....1st post so dont be too harsh, meh, just be honest, cheers

Woke up from a bad dream, you were there and you wouldn’t leave
Couldn’t believe what id seen, eyes wide open now I still cant scream
Makes me laugh now that I know, you got no feelings left to keep disclosed
Pulled some under and torn some down, that’s the only shame of the show
Otherwise I appreciate your presence, knowing I can leave whenever I want to
Its funny cause I can picture you, reading these words again and again
I haven’t mentioned your name it mustn’t make any sense, to you

To you to you to all of you
To you to you to all of you

Smart girls don’t know any better
Smart girls who love their letters
Smart girls reading written words
Smart girls smart girls smart girls

Tell me now do you still belong, how much taller would you say you’ve grown
Please ignore the words ive said, cant have you worry your pretty little head
I can’t have you think different of me, its not only of on my behalf I speak
Just the ones who you’re standing on, noone important you wouldn’t notice gone
I don’t know why you think you’re so clever, I guess I wont ever know any better
Looks like you’ll be jealous til the end, this rule that you cant seem to break or bend
I forgot to mention to mention, dementia, repent her, send this to her

To her to her to all of ya
To her to her to hell with ya

Smart girls, smart girls smart girls
Smart girls only hear each other
Smart girls breed one another
Smart girls loving principles
Smart girls, smart girls smart girls
Smart girls keeping warm inwards
Smart girls only good for in laws
Smart girls only know a thing or two

But you walk in doors with your eyes closed
You get distracted by all of the sideshows
Where will you go at the end of the road?
Turn around baby you’ll be running home
Guess I’m lucky it was just a bad dream but good luck to me falling back to sleep
Last edited by servant 2 serve at Aug 1, 2008,
#3
firstly, this is quite an imposing block of text. i'd break it up a bit. you'll prob get more crits too.

actually, firstly should be thanks for your crits on my pieces. the one above should be secondly.

but back to business. i found it a little hard to follow the story. also i'm not sure you can keep things disclosed. surely once they're disclosed thats it... right?

really liked this though

I can’t have you think different of me, its not only of on my behalf I speak
Just the ones who you’re standing on, noone important you wouldn’t notice gone

the end line was also very good.

so on the whole a good piece. well done. i'd definately break it up though.