#1
I was bored yesterday, so I opened up notepad and started typing, and this is what came out. I haven't done anything to it since I originally typed it out other than adding font tags to it. I'm not sure of how I feel about it.. Especially the end. Oh well.

Hope you all enjoy, and leave me a link to check out. =)


Dropped on the bed
from your drunken arms,
I wrap myself secure in the blankets;
No more tonight,
please,
no more tonight,

Silent cries gone unheard,
Weakness leaves my body in shining,
silver outpours of pain,
Words of thoughtless encouragement echo;
No pain no gain,
no pain no gain.

Medicate me,
Subjugate me,
Infiltrate me,
Eradicate me,
Why can't you just embrace me?

"Close your eyes and relax...
Clear your mind and keep it clear as I count...
Five.. Four.. Three.. Two.."
One more time and I'm gonna scream,
Don't tell me to relax,
you know what I've been through.

Living dissaray,
story of my life,
Unable to end it this way,
I drop the knife.
I prefer quickness,
so I grab the Ruger,
"Be positive..."
Fuck that;
I'm a realist.
#3
Quote by Athetosis
the true Anonymous

Sorry, I couldn't resist.
(If you don't get it, look up "anonymous (group)" on wikipedia)

Who doesn't know who they are?
I've been around 4chan for a lot longer than everyone's been trying to act like them. lol
#5
not really much to say here! i really enjoyed it. "eradicate" did disrupt the flow a bit, though... at least IMO. otherwise thoroughly enjoyable.
#6
Yeah, thats kinda what I thought too, just didn't want to say nothing
#7
Quote by Garb

Dropped on the bed
from your drunken arms,
I wrap myself secure in the blankets;
No more tonight,
please,
no more tonight,

I like this, it opens the piece very well, and the repetition of "no more tonight" really made the emotion come through, as though you were desperate for the person to stop.

Silent cries gone unheard,
Weakness leaves my body in shining,
silver outpours of pain,
Words of thoughtless encouragement echo;
No pain no gain,
no pain no gain.

Kind of a let down after the first stanza. The second half of this I didn't mind, again the repetition worked in your favour. But the first half seemed bland and without texture. Consider revising these, I'm not sure for anything specific, but they could use some "livening up".

Medicate me,
Subjugate me,
Infiltrate me,
Eradicate me,
Why can't you just embrace me?

Nice, all I have to say here, this was a nice quick little part to read through.

"Close your eyes and relax...
Clear your mind and keep it clear as I count...
Five.. Four.. Three.. Two.."
One more time and I'm gonna scream,
Don't tell me to relax,
you know what I've been through.

This was alright. Although it came off as more bold than the rest of the piece, which I'm not sure is a good thing or not. The stanza itself fits well here, but I don't feel as though the way the emotions were displayed fit here. Maybe a more subtle way of saying the last two/three lines would be best. That being said, I love the "Five.. Four.. Three.. Two.. One more time and-" thing.

Living dissaray,
story of my life,
Unable to end it this way,
I drop the knife.
I prefer quickness,
so I grab the Ruger,
"Be positive..."
Fuck that;
I'm a realist.

This ending wrapped it up well, good job.


Overall an 8/10 for this piece. I like your writing, keep it up .

Thanks for the crit on my piece too, by the way.
#8
Get rid of all the commas, all the capitalization, all the conformity to guidelines, it just makes for a dull read. I can tell you were bored writing this, because I was bored shitless reading it. Typing in notepad when you're bored is no way to write, you're just going to produce stale words and used thoughts. The first stanza was unambitious, lacking any solid imagery, clever word arrangement, clever words in general, or anything at all that would make it interesting. The rest followed suit. You need to paint the scene with your words, not just recount what happened or what's going to happen; this is not prose. When you do start to do this, the adverbs and adjectives you use do not match the images you're pairing them with, else just seem corny and cliched. There is just nothing new here that excites the senses.

My suggestion; go outside, someplace where you feel inspired to write something big, but perhaps can't find the words. Bring a notepad, and try to capture that feeling in the best words you know how. Arrange them however you want in notepad later, but when you're writing, don't worry about grammar, punctuation, line breaks, etc. Just write down your emotions at the time.

When you do this, come back and post it and I will be able to give you a serious crit.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 5, 2008,
#9
Quote by Garb


Dropped on the bed
from your drunken arms,
I wrap myself secure in the blankets;
No more tonight,
please,
no more tonight,
Really great opening stanza.. straight up sets the scene right away

Silent cries gone unheard,
Weakness leaves my body in shining,
silver outpours of pain,
Words of thoughtless encouragement echo;
No pain no gain,
no pain no gain.
I like the line "No pain no gain", but the 4th line feels a bit out of the flow of the rest of the stanza.


Medicate me,
Subjugate me,
Infiltrate me,
Eradicate me,
Why can't you just embrace me?
This is just awesome. Cant see any problems.

"Close your eyes and relax...
Clear your mind and keep it clear as I count...
Five.. Four.. Three.. Two.."
One more time and I'm gonna scream,
Don't tell me to relax,
you know what I've been through.
I really don't get this verse. Seems like it would sound good though. Good flow...

Living dissaray,
story of my life,
Unable to end it this way,
I drop the knife.
I prefer quickness,
so I grab the Ruger,
"Be positive..."
Fuck that;
I'm a realist.
Yeah once again I don't get this part, I do however really like the last four lines.


Overal, this is a great piece and with a bit of fine tuning could be near perfect
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.