#1
My smart friend once told me
"You know Jake,
you're awfully immature
and you always reek of sewer.
In fact, I bet if you repeated
what I just said
it wouldn't even rhyme."


"Then why are you still my friend?"
I retorted.

With whiskered ears
and beaded eyes
he laughed back
"Because I'm okay with that-
afterall, I'm just a rat."


It had us both in stitches.

.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 2, 2008,
#2
Not a lot I can say in this accept how interesting the idea is. It's thoroughly engaging and humorous.

The section in brackets, I know what you are trying to do but it just doesn't quite work with the line preceding it - that particular line also had an odd rythym (deliberately of course) - if the verse in brackets was a little more pleasing to the eyes and ears, particularly the second line in it, then it could of seemed together easier. Just a thought mate.

I love the word "stitches" here, it feels so ratty and dirty, perfect choice!

I'm not overly keen on "beaded eyes" - probably because I've seen that line before in both a book I read to my little sister and in another poem I read some time ago on my brothers website. It just feels a little simple for such a short, 'complex' and detailed piece.

Overall, this was a great little read, and I mean that. I was in stitches myself and thats a triumph!
Your a very varied writer, something you should be very proud of.

Digitally Clean
#3
Kill the brackets. Please.

This, for me at least, just was what it was. It was intriguing and a bit humorous... but honestly, a bit stale. I know that not all writing has to have a point, that it can just be a witty snippet of nothingness... but this to me felt like eating bread when Filet Mignon is within your reach. You could have taken this witty idea and stretched it and made it actually say something about character, or made it into a simple social commentary. You could have use the idea to say something that you as an author wanted to say... you could have added a layer, but you didn't. And to be honest, its left me a bit disappointed. You are a fantastic author and you have a great feel for quirky ideas and lines and wording. If I may, you remind me of a stage I was going through not too long ago (and probably still now). Where you want to say something deep, but you want to cover it up in something that is like a kitten, cute cuddly but still has some claws. Here, you forgot the claws. There was not bite, no hook. Sure, it was cute, fun, funny, and generally well written (outside the damn brackets ). But at the end, I felt like you could have covered so much ground... you could have used the mini-conversation to inspect humanity or a social issue... you could have used the stereotype that "sewery" could entail, you could have stretched this and made it something amazing.

All together, I still enjoyed this. It was quite humorous and snappy... felt like a large black woman should be snapping her fingers three times in a z-patter saying "Oh no he di'nt" at the end... and I liked that feeling. I can just seem the potential for so much more in this that it is a bitter sweet enjoyment.

Hope that gives some insight. If it is confusing, PM me and I'll try to clear it up.

Sorry it took so long to get back mate.

-zC
#4
Thanks Zack (Zach? Zak? Tim?), and I understand what you're saying. This was very experimental for me - just a style I've been toying with (no pun) - and you're right that I didn't take it as far as I could. I suppose I was too focused on the wrong thing. It should be a fun challenge digging deeper to get that extra layer.

Neither of you guys like the brackets? I developed the whole idea around that, but it may have grown beyond it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
Ah well, maybe I'll find a less obtrusive way to incorporate it.


EDIT: Perhaps I already have?

(John Stewart-style "mmM?")
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 1, 2008,
#7
im not seeing any brackets so im not sure what happened.

enjoyable--i wasnt sure what to expect upon reading it. reading it a second time its more enjoyable

i definitely agree with those who say "it is what it is"
#8
man, i agree almost entirely with Zach on this; so i guess i don't have much to offer. i'll pay it forward to your next one though, cool?
one question though: are you in fact, the "rat" of the poem?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
Yes, in fact, I am both.

And though you have absolutely no obligation, that's perfectly fine. I'd much prefer it on the next - it will be much better than this one.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.