#1
1000 Bananas

A trapeze artist lays
silent in the sun,
unaware of the bees
bothering his stiff brow.
The skins of a 1000 bananas
spent at his side.

His deep,
undignified death
awakens suddenly,
splashed
by the stunted rain drops,
gathering in a
pool around his eye lids;
it tells a brief story;
a sonnet about a man
who scaled the
unsteady
scalpels of his body,
and came out
bloody on the other side,

but oh, how
dead
proud he was.




I hope you can enjoy reading this, as I enjoyed writing it certainly. This is also another attempt at writing poetry, which is what I am concentrating my efforts on right now. I don't see any need or method of accommodating this to a lyrical song as the structure, layout and overall sound seems to be too far-fetched and eclectic, even though thats the kind of music I play.
Thank you once again, and leave a link if you desire any of my help criticizing your work, I'll try my best to return to you when I can.


Digitally Clean
#2
You know I always thought that "digitally clean" was what you wanted critting back on, lol.

Anyways, the piece. It felt way too unfocused, imo. There's some dancing around hand in hand in new-wave line breaks, juxtaposition that fails to impress and an abundace of ideas that reek of alot-for-a-little, rather than a-little-for-alot.

I'll put it this way: In the first stanza alone, twenty six words: Trapeze artist silence sun bees brow bannan skins.

There wasn't anything that hooked me emotionally into this piece; there was a blur of images that failed to anchor to a theme or meaning. Sure, by the end, I guess there probably was something you intended to put across, and I guess there was something there for me to take, but It should be telling there is something. What you did was leave your idea next to a pile of photos. What it should be, for good poetry, is the idea, or ideas, should be the captions of these photos.

The meaning should dictate your word choice and images, it feels like it was the other way round here; the images hanging on to whatever meaning was implied.

Them's my $5bn Zimbabwean Dollars.
#3
A trapeze artist lays
silent in the sun,
unaware of the bees
bothering his stiff brow.
Up until this line I was thinking "wow".
Brow is quite overused though, and
stiff doesn't seem to be a fitting adjective.
I was hoping for something more goofy, such as
tickling his knees, or something as ridiculous.

The skins of a 1000 bananas
spent at his side.
I would usually say to write the number out or
get rid of the a, but this (intentional?) error
just seems to fit.


His deep,
undignified death
awakens suddenly,
splashed
by the stunted rain drops,
gathering in a
pool around his eye lids;
Great imagery. Line breaks effective?
I can't decide. They're growing on me.

it tells a brief story;
a sonnet about a man
who scaled the
unsteady
scalpels of his body,
Here I'm certain I don't like the line breaks as much.
I like the choppiness - this poem should be choppy -
but this distracts from rather than emphasizing the words.

and came out
bloody on the other side,

but oh, how
dead
proud he was.
Perfect, very sardonic.


Your continued experimentation paid off, imo. This was a great combination of tropical-esque imagery and interesting plot. The second half of S2 could be arranged more effectively, but the end really brought it all together in a fun way.

Simply Sloppy
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
Quote by AngryGoldfish
1000 Bananas

A trapeze artist lays
silent in the sun,
Interesting way to begin
unaware of the bees
bothering his stiff brow.
I don't think that bees are the best image to use here. not really relevant. I don't know. Nicely put, but for some reason I wasn't a fan of "bees"...
The skins of a 1000 bananas
spent at his side.
Finally, I know what is going on. Took you a while to get to the point of all this, but the writing is well done, so theres not really a problem.

His deep,
undignified death
awakens suddenly,
death awakens. A little strange, but okay, I'll go with it.
splashed
by the stunted rain drops,
gathering in a
pool around his eye lids;
This is great imagery here.
it tells a brief story;
a sonnet about a man
who scaled the
unsteady
scalpels of his body,
Great flow here. The scaled/scalpels thing was cool sounding.
and came out
bloody on the other side,

but oh, how
dead
proud he was.
Very ironic, good wording and such.




I hope you can enjoy reading this, as I enjoyed writing it certainly. This is also another attempt at writing poetry, which is what I am concentrating my efforts on right now. I don't see any need or method of accommodating this to a lyrical song as the structure, layout and overall sound seems to be too far-fetched and eclectic, even though thats the kind of music I play.
Thank you once again, and leave a link if you desire any of my help criticizing your work, I'll try my best to return to you when I can.


Digitally Clean


As it was said before, there was no emotional connection here whatsoever. It was enjoyable and insightful, but a little bit pointless.
#5
Thank you very much for all comments.
The poem itself was designed in a way that I wanted to express how life is so complicated and detailed, but yet short. I hope it reflected into the poem. I didn't intend on having a strong emotional output to it, I just wanted it to be ironic and weird.
It being pointless was what I would call a compliment, for this piece anyway. If you said it for others, I'd be disorientated and disapointed.
Your right, the bees have no real relation except to show how dead this fictitious character was; even with bees buzzing around his face, he still never awoke; that was the idea. It didn't have any huge relation. Sometimes things in life don't have to have a meaning, they just happen.

Jammy, I understand what you are saying totally, but does good poetry really have to be lead by a strict rule? I'm not trying to be rebellious or arogant for the sake of it, it's just, I write a lot of really weird stuff - our band is really weird, so its interlinks well - and I prefer writing to an alternative method, not by the fashions of other, more popular - and superior - writers and their works.
If I continue with your analogy of a piece of art on canvas then I would say this; my poems - not necessarily lyrics, they are more straight up and clear (I hope) - are defined by how many ideas I can cram into each single word and image I use. I love the idea that someone can arive to this and derive whatever the hell they like. I didn't want to portray any sort of theme or idea and philosophy of life, I just wanted to be weird, outrageous and distorted, congregating my own life and many others into three short stanza's. The irony of that itself made me like this. This was pretty conceptual, I guess.

Cheers lads for your help, I cherish all your words of wisdom, so keep em' coming!
#6
Just, poetry is meant to make the reader feel someting (or most, anyway, anything for public viewing) and this felt too, well, what I said.

I really can't go further than my other post because it was all what I meant, lol.