#1
My Latin might be bad now since I haven't used it for almost 3 years now, but I gave it a shot

c4c as always......Enjoy


A beautiful beast, yet wicked in her ways
had lived just off the shores of Thessaly
Not far from me she sang enchanting songs,
commonly known as the gripping tunes of the calm sea

Every night that passed a new song was sung
And I never heard her sing the same lyrics again
A sailors delight, a game thought to be easily won
With her voice, all men want to be her friend

A simple chant I simply could not forget
Was sung by this woman, that brought men to her home,
In Latin she captured their hearts "Omnis virum mihi venit!"
And they did, so she was never alone

I couldn't help but look myself
And witnessed the bones of old humble sailors
Who came for love and passion
for which it was never catered
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
Last edited by Eaglestalon101 at Aug 1, 2008,
#2
Quote by Eaglestalon101
My Latin might be bad now since I haven't used it for almost 3 years now, but I gave it a shot

c4c as always......Enjoy


A beautiful beast, yet wicked in her ways
just lived off the shores of Thessaly
i would have had it lived just, "just lived" seems a bit weird.
Not far from me she sang enchanting songs,
also known as gripping tunes of the calm sea
Dont think the "also" is necessary, and i thought there should be a "the" before gripping. but i didn't really gel with gripping anyway, or tunes for that matter. i dont think it continues the enchanting scene thats been depicted so far. which i really like
Every night that passed a new song was sung
And I never heard her sing the same tunes again
same problem again with tune.
A sailors delight, a game thought to be easily won
maybe lose the "to be"?
With her voice, all men want to be her friend

A simple chant I simply could not forget
Was sung by this woman, that brought men to her home,
In Greek and in Latin "Omnis virum mihi venit!"
And they did, so she was never alone
nice, i couldnt get a translation for "Omnis virum mihi venit!" does seem odd you say in greek and latin, but follow it with no greek.
I couldn't help but look myself
And witnessed the bones of old humble sailors
Who came for love and passion
"Who'd come for love and passion"?
in which, in the end, was never catered
"in which, in the end" is a bit awkward, how about, for which?

nice end btw


so i really liked this, there were just a few points i thought hindered the flow/beauty. but apart from that, good job.

*edit*
not so keen on the title though, i'd make it more personal. like "my last siren"
Last edited by AK. at Aug 1, 2008,
#3
^^^Hey, I appreciate it...some changes were made...

With the Greek and Latin thing, I only know so much Greek (pretty complicated language) and didn't bother putting it in there, so I took out what Greek thing and just made it completely Latin. I'm horrible with titles

When you asked the question on the last stanza "who'd come for love or passion?" It was said a line above referring to that "who" "...old humble sailors"

I was trying to do this slightly how Catullus would have done it, only without the meter
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#4
I like the concept behind this, and the way that its written. However, in the first stanza, I would try to get rid of the word 'tunes' as previously stated. It doesn't fit with the mythical/olden style writing of the rest of the song very well, if that makes sense. The only other thing I saw that I would personally change is the last line of stanza 2 'With her voice, all men want to be her friend'. For whatever reason, at least in my opinion, the men/friend rhyme takes away from the substance of the line, removing the provocative nature of the siren and replacing it with something that just doesn't seem to mesh with the rest of the stanza well. Altogether, I like it. Nice job.
#6
Quote by Eaglestalon101
^^^Hey, I appreciate it...some changes were made...

With the Greek and Latin thing, I only know so much Greek (pretty complicated language) and didn't bother putting it in there, so I took out what Greek thing and just made it completely Latin. I'm horrible with titles

When you asked the question on the last stanza "who'd come for love or passion?" It was said a line above referring to that "who" "...old humble sailors"

I was trying to do this slightly how Catullus would have done it, only without the meter



sorry i wasn't massively clear, i got it was referring to the humble sailors, i just thought it should be.

.......................humble sailors
who'd come for love and passion
for which was never catered.

i like the changes you've made btw, the first stanza flows much better and gripping tunes doesn't get to me so much now.
#7
all men come to me - sometimes it pays to hav a rubbish posh education and yeh ur grammar is right but you need veniunt as im assuming its plural
#8
^^^I think you're right the verb is supposed to be plural...I think I may have had it modify "me" instead of "men"...Like I said it's been like 3 yrs since I've tried to write something in Latin (either use it or lose it)

I see where you're gettin' at AK. and I like your version a lot better too even though it means the same thing...

Thanx everyone else, I'll get ya'll
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#9
I like this as a whole, although some parts stood out as being weak.

"With her voice, all men want to be her friend"

This line stood out to me as being bland and kind of stopped the good rhythm I was getting from the piece. It picked back up later, but that line definitely hindered the flow (both in rhythm and ideas).

I got a really good vibe from this though, and I enjoyed most of the wording. The ending was particularily nice. I guess as a rating, an 8/10 from me

If you'd like to crit my newest piece, it'd be much appreciated
#10
^^^I felt the same way 'bout that line...as long as I'm not the only one...
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
Last edited by Eaglestalon101 at Aug 4, 2008,