#1
More of an editorial, is this okay to post?

The City


The city. The Big Apple, America's Playground, Tinseltown...Just a few of them. They call it 'The Concrete Jungle'. That's just what it is. Deprived of emotion, nature and human compassion. Just a symbol of crime, corruption and capitalism at it's worst. Not an inch is left untouched by concrete, itself covered in trash and advertisements.

Walk down the streets of New York, or Detroit or anywhere of the ilk, and watch everyone else. How many of them do you think you'd want to befriend? Unfeeling faces minding their own business. I have to wonder how many of them think the same way I do, and how many are just concerned with getting to work on time.

This is not life as God intended. This is society gone astray.
Quote by Shredder XXX
how about the way your entire country generalizes a culture by the actions of a few, citing any Americans idea of a middle eastern person.
Last edited by TheIceCreamMan at Aug 1, 2008,
#2
It's funny that you wrote this. I'm working on a concept CD about a small town guy who leaves everything behind to go chase a dream in the city... and then, after seeing that the "big city" isn't all it's cracked up to be, he returns to his hometown. So I've also been writing a few things about city life. New York in particular. Anyway, on to the crit.

You have some great ideas there, but it doesn't flow very well. Too many periods and short sentences. Also, there were a few grammatical things that bugged me a little bit. In short, I like where you're going and what you're trying to do, I just think it needs to be organized a little bit better. You did a great job of capturing the feel of the city, though. I ****ing hate New York City.

Return the crit, please? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=922841
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#3
Thanks for the crit. I'll check yours out in a minute.

Anyways, it's meant to be read like a narrative if that makes any difference. Although I can see what you're saying, when I read it out loud it does feel a little...choppy.
Quote by Shredder XXX
how about the way your entire country generalizes a culture by the actions of a few, citing any Americans idea of a middle eastern person.