#1
Le Elephant
Kind of strange, kind of a poem, kind of lyrics... not really either one
either way, it's a load off my chest


I awoke this morning to an elephant in my living room
I wonder how long it’s been here

Judging by the stench
I’d guess it’s been a while

I’ve been giving thought to how he got here
And how I didn’t see him walk in
It’s strange what you don’t see -when You’re not looking for it
I guess I’ve been to busy
Looking for other things

This afternoon I noticed something
The elephant never looks at me
That is, unless I look at him first

He pretends not to notice me
…. And I do the same

Later in the evening I began to ponder
Once again how he got here

I examined the door
No way
He’s much to large

I think tomorrow I’ll tear down a wall
And free the beast


Edit:It has become clear that the ending needs some more work.. I've been working the first parts sub consciously for a while so there's a lot more too it
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you nose started bleeding, so the first thing you do is post it on UG? i don't understand the reasoning behind that one my friend



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screw grammar i practice economic typing.
Last edited by ifeastonbums at Aug 1, 2008,
#2
I like it. But, to me, the elephant is too obvious. I'd use another animal.. But maybe that's just because I've been saying "You can spot the elephant in the room can't ya?" a lot lately.
Quote by ifeastonbums

I awoke this morning to an elephant in my living room
I wonder how long it’s been here

Judging by the stench
I’d guess it’s been a while

I’ve been giving thought to how he got here
And how I didn’t see him walk in
It’s strange what you don’t see -when You’re not looking for it
I guess I’ve been to busy
Looking for other things
I'd look at rewording the last 3 lines.. Maybe to something like "..see when you're not looking/I guess I've been distracted (or leave it "too busy." Either works)..."

This afternoon I noticed something
The elephant never looks at me
That is, unless I look at him first

He pretends not to notice me
…. And I do the same
I would connect these 2 lines to the previous 3. And change the first 3 to read less wordy.. "...I noticed/the elephant..."

Later in the evening I began to ponder
Once again how he got here

I examined the door
No way
He’s much to large
Once again, I'd connect these to the previous 2.. It also sounds a little better if I read it as "How he got in." The "...door/no way/" sounds too.. I don't know. I didn't like it really. Maybe "I examined the door;/No, much too large" or something?

I think tomorrow I’ll tear down a wall
And free the beast
The way you phrased the last line sounds too cliche to me.. Maybe "And let him out" to keep the tone you had throughout.

I liked it. But some of the phrasing and wording detracted from it. It was pretty much nitpicking, but it was stuff that needed to be said... Or not. Who knows? =P

Care to take a look at mine? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=923271 =)