#1
Another haunting moment,
a breath can't leave a chest,
we manipulated this situation,
how exquisite our minds really are.

(Call it a plague,
I call her by name.)

Stretched and skewed,
a whispers never been so loud,
all the ways you cause the rain,
and place us under the weather.

(Call it a plague,
I call her by name.)

Preconceived notions prevail,
what once was is lost,
and what could be isn't,
See more than you can.

(Call it a plague,
I call her by name.)

What a trick it is,
to not even be an echo,
but a hallow mute,
with no expression.
If only you knew...
If only you knew...
If only you knew...
If only you knew...
You don't even know....


This is about a girl that will never love me, and will never know how I feel.
Not that anyone needs to know. This is the first piece I've posted on here.

This is a better expansion of the situation;

The things you do to me,
the things you'll never read.
Don't interpret my writing so literal.
You might learn something.
It's not hiding behind metaphors,
when they are dancing in front of your eyes,
read between the lines.
Please meet my pleas.
Last edited by likeanight at Aug 1, 2008,
#2
Wow... i really liked it

Can't say much about it. Only advice i have is putting some emphasis on why it is that she'll never know about how you feel. Also... Why do you call her by her name? What's so special about it?

Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
#3
Quote by evening_crow
Wow... i really liked it

Can't say much about it. Only advice i have is putting some emphasis on why it is that she'll never know about how you feel. Also... Why do you call her by her name? What's so special about it?



The ( ) part is me just stating that she is like a plague and just pwn'd everything, and made things a mess.

I wrote this like 20 mins ago, I will add more. I swear.

Anything you want me to crit?
#4
mmm, I would have to say I think the ending is pretty cliched, I've heard/read that a billion times, try and come up with something that will complete your thought in the same way, but that wrenches my heart, and tickles me in all the right places, if you understand. Hope that helps, and thanks for reading mine.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#5
Quote by likeanight
Another haunting moment,
a breathe can't leave a chest,
we manipulated this situation,
how exquisite our minds really are.

Minor typo, but take the E off "breathe"
Otherwise, I like this part. I like how you said "we manipulated this situation" but you never really say what the situation is or how it was manipulated. And you don't have to. It wouldn't have been nearly as effective if you wrote something like, "We manipulated this situation by being such close friends and being lovers and doin' it, etc. etc." Basically, you're not telling everything right away, and you're giving people a reason to want to continue listening (er... reading)

(Call it a plague,
I call her by name.)

Ok, now I know the song is about a girl. But you're still not giving too much away. That's a good thing.

Stretched and skewed,
a whispers never been so loud,
all the ways you cause the rain,
and place us under the weather.

I like the cause the rain/place us under the weather lines.

(Call it a plague,
I call her by name.)

I also like the repetition.

Preconceived notions prevail,
what once was is lost,
and what could be isn't,
See more than you can.

Again, I like how you're being vague while still getting your point across.

(Call it a plague,
I call her by name.)

What a trick it is,
to not even be an echo,
but a hallow mute,
with no expression.
If only you knew...
If only you knew...
If only you knew...
If only you knew...
You don't even know....

I'm not sure how I feel about this last part. I like the If only you knew/you don't know part, but I think the first four lines should be a little bit more literal than the rest of the piece. You spent the entire time building it up, so you should leave people with little doubt as to what you're talking about. Nice job, though. I really like it.

Anywho... crit for crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15559243
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#6
Quote by likeanight
The ( ) part is me just stating that she is like a plague and just pwn'd everything, and made things a mess.

I wrote this like 20 mins ago, I will add more. I swear.

Anything you want me to crit?

Nah don't worry, i haven't written anything in a long time. Now that i'm reading other posts i must say i agree on the ending being a bit weak and cliched. Try adding a line in between? IE:

If you only knew,
How willing i was to...
If you only knew,
How long i've been waiting...
If you only knew,
If you only knew...


IDK... i think doing so will help you build up some more and throw in some anger in there...
Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
#7
Quote by BigFatSandwich
Minor typo, but take the E off "breathe"
Otherwise, I like this part. I like how you said "we manipulated this situation" but you never really say what the situation is or how it was manipulated. And you don't have to. It wouldn't have been nearly as effective if you wrote something like, "We manipulated this situation by being such close friends and being lovers and doin' it, etc. etc." Basically, you're not telling everything right away, and you're giving people a reason to want to continue listening (er... reading)


Ok, now I know the song is about a girl. But you're still not giving too much away. That's a good thing.


I like the cause the rain/place us under the weather lines.


I also like the repetition.


Again, I like how you're being vague while still getting your point across.


I'm not sure how I feel about this last part. I like the If only you knew/you don't know part, but I think the first four lines should be a little bit more literal than the rest of the piece. You spent the entire time building it up, so you should leave people with little doubt as to what you're talking about. Nice job, though. I really like it.

Anywho... crit for crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15559243


This song is an allusion, thats what it is. It says what I feel/what is going on. She cant and will never know, and thats why I am not too literal. The last part is to say that I cant express what I feel, and that I wish she shared these "feelings."

So what I am saying is that your crit is the "message."
I will try what you suggested and see how it goes. Thanks for the crit.
#8
Quote by likeanight
This song is an allusion, thats what it is. It says what I feel/what is going on. She cant and will never know, and thats why I am not too literal. The last part is to say that I cant express what I feel, and that I wish she shared these "feelings."

So what I am saying is that your crit is the "message."
I will try what you suggested and see how it goes. Thanks for the crit.

no problem! I was just saying that you should probably be a little more straightforward in saying that she can't and will never know how you feel by using less metaphors or something? I dunno. It's just a suggestion and there's nothing really wrong with it as it is.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#9
Quote by BigFatSandwich
no problem! I was just saying that you should probably be a little more straightforward in saying that she can't and will never know how you feel by using less metaphors or something? I dunno. It's just a suggestion and there's nothing really wrong with it as it is.

A crit is a crit, nothing is offensive, you're suppose to suggest things.
Im working on the more literal part though.
#10
Quite the predicament you have. Pretty song, maybe she'd like you just for this.
Thanks for the crit.
#11
This is....truly wonderful. I love how it's written. LOL, The only problems I see are punctuation here and there. Thats about it. I love the progession of the idea you have. you don't convey she's a bad guy from the beginning.
I get a sense of connectedness when I read this, it makes me feel like you know me and what i'm going through right now. Even though you don';t know me at all. thats the point of a good writer, IMO.

I like the bit you came and added at the end. IMO, it doesn't seem TOOcliche' Good enough to appeal to me and probably another person and audience, lol. But all in all, a 9.3 out of 10. lol.


Could you possibly crit another work of mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=877861&highlight=Watchman+king
#12
Umm, I know this isn't related to the actual song...
tell her.
don't make the same mistake i did.
you need have to tell her exactly how you feel, because that's daunting enough for anyone, but at least tell her you like her.
you'll regret it if you don't.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#13
Quote by Snowblind 911
Umm, I know this isn't related to the actual song...
tell her.
don't make the same mistake i did.
you need have to tell her exactly how you feel, because that's daunting enough for anyone, but at least tell her you like her.
you'll regret it if you don't.

I can pm more specific if you want.
This is couldnt be scripted more messed up bro.