#1
Freewrite.

Let Go

Torn suit jacket worn like a poncho,
sleeping on papers on the sidewalk,
wiping away tears with dollar bills.
I used to pay for handkerchiefs.
Anomalies abound.
Am I interesting enough for you?

If it'll help, I'll be drunk.
If it'll help, I won't shave.
Poetry in imperfection.
Perfection in cliche.
A drug addiction to boot;
how sympathetic are you?
I'll kill my family
if it'll make you listen.
I'll tear away my friends
if you'll turn an ear.
Can I say what I mean yet?
Am I vulnerable enough for you?

I'm disgusted.
with every drunkard
ever written about.
evidently,
the only way
to feel sorrow is to
let. go.
what's hygiene when you're sad?
an obstacle.
let.
go.

what's dignity when you're sad?
a hindrance.
let.
go.


I can't be sad.
I have too much to lose.

let.
go.
Last edited by my name is Pete at Aug 1, 2008,
#2
Poetry in imperfection.
Perfection in the known.
i like imperfection/perfection but the end of this didn't hit home.


wiping away tears with dollar bills.
I used to pay money for handkerchiefs.
I just removed the middle man.
this goes on too long. you explained it too well.
leave some gaps. a little space for it to breathe.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
GOD DMAN IT pete. again with the short lines. driving me bananars.

If it'll help, I'll be drunk.
If it'll help, I won't shave. cool
Poetry in imperfection.
Perfection in cliche.i like this. huge fan of the uhh e.e. Cummings
A drug addiction to boot;
how sympathetic are you?
I'll kill my family
if it'll make you listen.kill your family... mmm extreme.
I'll tear away my friends
if you'll turn an ear.
Am I vulnerable enough for you?i like it. full of emotion. very RAW. i guess it gets the point across like. you better ****in listen to me. nothing is more frightful then someone who will do the unexpected and do what ever is necessary

Torn suit jacket worn like a poncho,
sleeping on papers on the sidewalk,
wiping away tears with dollar bills.
I used to pay for handkerchiefs.
Anomalies abound.
Can I say what I mean yet?
Am I interesting enough for you?mmm... i think this really threw me off. you go from that raw emotion so powerful and frighting to... being a hobo O.o. mm on second thought reading behind and in front of this is does make sence. but i still dont argree with the way you wrote it. i think you missing that fire taht you would kill and ravage and pillage. kind of like F*CK THE LAW and F*Ck you. bu tin it self i love tehe stanza. it is a very powerful stanza. more subtle. i think this could be better placed after the stanza in front of it. after you took the edge off with the stanza in front.

I'm disgusted.
with every drunkard
ever written about.
evidently,
the only way
to feel sorrow is to
let. go.
what's hygiene when you're sad?i love this.. it explains exectly how i feel right now rofl.
an obstacle.
let.

go.

what's dignity when you're sad?
a hindrance.
let.

go.
once again very good.

I can't be sad.
I have too much to lose.

let.

go.
nice closer very smooth

overall I HAVE OCD WTF this jsut pissed me off in so many ways lol hahahahah. but never the less. i simply hands down liked this. mind if i copy it and add it to my personal collection?
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#5
Agree with Farmy, but that's including the replacements for the two things he mentioned, I'm afraid. Not too much description, just fits oddly now. Maybe not, maybe I'm just being silly.
Liked the editing on the rest though.

The rest was good, damned good, and it makes the little things I found hiccuppy even tinier.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
oh ye ai forgot u wanan cirt mine? love r lsto at sea? it's in dire need of some decent critiques -.-
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#8
Dude. pete u gotta put this in your Sig. man. i love this piece it thought it was pretty amazing.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#9
not going to let this one die just yet.

normally, i wouldn't really care for the repetition and positioning of "let go," but i feel as if you branched out with this to touch surfaces you haven't been to yet; which is cool. so i found it growing on me toward the end. i liked the subject matter and diction; sorry if i don't have too much to offer.. looks like most of the points have already been covered.
i meant to get to this sooner, i've just been busy here lately; but i'm glad you're back Pete. you're a good writer man, and i always enjoy reading.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
Quote by ottoavist
...but i'm glad you're back Pete. you're a good great writer man, and i always enjoy reading.
*fixed*
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#11
I general, I still think it could be shortened! :P
There isn't much else I can add that someone else hasn't already delved into. Its cool to see a different kind of style from you, and in any field on this forum.
Its certainly a good piece though mate. There is nothing I can grab onto and specifically say whether I really like or really dislike it, its all just very good, no exceptions.
Sure sign of a quality and dedicated writer.
Sorry once again that I cannot add anything more.

Digitally Clean