#1
Doubt It:

Oh baby, lets go, listen up, we're going to show em'

Whisper in my ear the reason for your tears.

I'll take you to a place where people dont care
Down the lonely streets where I stare

In the death of the night, we hear eachothers'
photographs dancing in the rain.

My eyes are the clothes to the palace of fantasy
Dance, dance dance dance to the music
sing sing sing sing to the melodic beat.

If I show you like him will you begin to teach me to try
because your the reason I'm "this guy!"

The war has begun but the eager heart is only laughing in the face

of the ones who doubt the power of confidence.

by: Chance Karbo
#3
Quote by TheGoodSoldier
cliche as hell listen to pth kids


If you're gonna crit, at least do it the right way


Quote by skaterpoet3
Doubt It:

Oh baby, lets go, listen up, we're going to show em'

Whisper in my ear the reason for your tears.

I'll take you to a place where people dont care
Down the lonely streets where I stare

I don't think it's quite necessary to rhyme 3 lines in a row...You can put those two separate lines together to form a stanza/verse if you're goin' for a song. I got a decent flow out of it and was pretty decent, just the rhyme scheme could stand to change. This topic is somewhat overdone, but it's always interesting to see who can make it the most interesting, so far, to me, it's somewhat blandish and doesn't quite captivate me into the story you're wanting to tell

In the death of the night, we hear eachothers'
photographs dancing in the rain.

this is original, I like it

My eyes are the clothes to the palace of fantasy
Dance, dance dance dance to the music
sing sing sing sing to the melodic beat.

Here, I think repetition is good only once with the dance part IMO

If I show you like him will you begin to teach me to try
because your the reason I'm "this guy!"

The war has begun but the eager heart is only laughing in the face

of the ones who doubt the power of confidence.

Not a bad ending, but it could be spiced up a bit...

by: Chance Karbo



Overall, it wasn't a bad piece, a few things I didn't like here and there...And it had some originality to it too, which I also liked....There were a few areas where flow was interrupted but not enough to kill this story...You also started off with some rhyming, it would have been nice to at least end it with a rhyme, it kinda felt empty....

Look forward to seeing more of your work
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!