#1
Snake Messiah

lost sanity, opened my eyes
saw beyond anger
realising i'm not one of you flies
crawling through my mind
the sticky stranger
whispering from behind
filled me with visions
of cleaning up the mess
with brutal missions
im another sort
life is my chess
i am the lord

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The first bit, of a poem about fanaticism. Is it totally cr*p, or do you think it's worth working on? I know the flow aren't really working.
#2
A few thoughts:

-Get rid of life is my chess altogether; cliched, and the odd wording makes the forced rhyme all the more apparent.
-Leave a blank space between the last line and the rest for emphasis.
-Change all realising to realised.
-Keep working on it, the flow works fine, I like the message.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
I found "life is my chess" to be original to my ears, but thats a personal thing. I enjoyed your rhyming ideas.
I agree with Bill about leaving a blank space in the appropriate slots to add emphasis.
The contrast in the opening line was effective as it puts you into a technical frame of mind.
"Whispering" fitted well but its unfortantely overused. I personally have no real issue with it, but I can't help but feel it could be slightly different.
"brutal missions" felt very weird. I'm not entirely sure I like it.

I think this piece is something I'm going to have walk away from and return to.

Digitally Clean