#1
C4c As always


VERSE 1

I’ve been sitting all alone
Dark and light, the endless war
I need to get away from here
The mind turning to bone
The shadow on the floor

VERSE 2

Darkness closes inward
On a bird in a cage
One which wants the acid glow
On those the sun ignored;
The Dark the soul does age

VERSE 3

Grasp the light within the hand
Close it firmly so it hurts
My life is mine to change
The dark dissolving into sand
My world the light converts

Chorus

All in the mind
The hope does shatter
This world you find
Wont make it better
I'll tell you one day
That to leave the darkness
You make your own way
You can't embrace the blackness

A bit clichéd perhaps, but it's good for an early piece I think
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
Last edited by ChemicalFire at Aug 4, 2008,
#2
....I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway....
#3
Quote by wyldething
....I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway....


Excuse me?
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#5
Quote by priestinacloset
it is a verse from a kelly clarkson song called break away.


... and...

It didn't need to be posted there, that's what I was getting at. This a is a thread about lyrics, not about Kelly Clarkson
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#6
Quote by ChemicalFire
C4c As always


VERSE 1

I’ve been sitting all alone
I can't bare it anymore
For starts, the first lines are what the sets the mood for the song, and form these, i got the feling of a cliche suiside song. I dunno, thats just me. I suggests trying to substitute these lines for something that sets the same mood but also has some impact on the reader.
I must get away from here
The mind turning to bone
The shadow on the floor
These lines here wer nice, a little unclear to what you meant, but i like them. They need to flow a little better in my opinion. Though it could just be the way im reading it.

VERSE 2

Darkness closes inward
On a bird in a cage
I really liked this here. Shows a sense of helplessness for someone(thing?) beautiful yet fragile.
One which wants the acid glow
On those the sun ignored;
The blinding solar rage
I dont know what to think of these three here. i really like the acid glow and sun ignored part but the cage/rage rhyme is so overused that it kinda weakened it for me. Overall lovely imagery.

Verse 3

Grasp the light within my hand
Close it firmly so it hurts
Raise this mass of arrogance
Return to light, a foreign land
The blood flow, this heat diverts
this verse really hit me. i really enjoyed this part

Chorus

In this darkness I rot
Living all that I've got
But I do hope than some day
I shall break away from here
That I shall smash all that I fear
I shall break away
Nothing special about the chorus. Very cliche. Could use some work

A bit clichéd perhaps, but it's good for an early piece I think


Its not bad. But its not particularly good. Nice use of words at some points but there are just too many cliches. But that is probably one of the hardest things to avoid. Overall nice work. It shows potential and i thikn that if you put some extra time into this one it can turn out really nice.

If you dont mind critting mine, its in my sig. Thanks
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
____________________________________________
#7
Quote by ChemicalFire


You say at the end that this is cliche, and I haven't read it yet, but I'm not too big on cliche. I'll try not to let it get in the way though

VERSE 1

I’ve been sitting all alone
I can't bare it anymore
I must get away from here
The mind turning to bone
The shadow on the floor

Kind of bland, you're right, cliche. That's all there is to this verse.. Although some revisions I'd consider are changing "must" in the third line to "need to", must sounds way too cheesy here. And I'm not sure why, but I particularily don't like the fourth line.


VERSE 2

Darkness closes inward
On a bird in a cage
One which wants the acid glow
On those the sun ignored;
The blinding solar rage

This was better, it had some interesting images in it. The wording felt a bit awkward, but it still did a lot better than the verse before this. Adding "to" in between "acid" and "glow" in the fourth line would sound better, I think.

Verse 3

Grasp the light within my hand
Close it firmly so it hurts
Raise this mass of arrogance
Return to light, a foreign land
The blood flow, this heat diverts

I liked this verse quite a bit. Not a whole lot I would change, except for the fact that the third line felt out of place. Aside from that, props for this one.

Chorus

In this darkness I rot
Living all that I've got
But I do hope than some day
I shall break away from here
That I shall smash all that I fear
I shall break away

Could've done better on the chorus. It felt only a little less bland than the first stanza.. But I do like what you were trying to do. I hate the repetition of shall though. I'd change it to:

I will break away from here
I shall smash all that I fear
I will break away.


A bit clichéd perhaps, but it's good for an early piece I think


7/10 on this piece, maybe 7.5/10 if the revisions I suggested are made. But it wasn't bad for an early piece, no. I appreciated what you were trying to do with a lot of it, and I see potential.
#8
It's not a bad song actually. I think that the title really suits the actual lyrics to the song. I think the word shall doesn't suit this song that much though cos of the words youv'e used it sounds out of place. But a good start.
#9
Thanks for the crits guys. I've changed the first post taking your comments into account.

I haven't changed the chorus yet, but I probably will do
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#10
Quote by ChemicalFire
C4c As always


VERSE 1

I’ve been sitting all alone
Dark and light, the endless war
I need to get away from here
The mind turning to bone
The shadow on the floor
Its quite astonishing how you have managed to hit all the cliches with so much style and darkly penned emotion. I am starting to love this piece already! Your rhyming scheme is simple but your word choices and layout around that system seemed to click with me in ways I cannot describe in their entirety. It reminds me of a band I truly love the lyrical stylings of, even though its so simple and in-obvious .

VERSE 2

Darkness closes inward
On a bird in a cage
One which wants the acid glow
On those the sun ignored;
In darkness the soul does age
This just gets better, and better, and better! I am quite jealous of this.

Verse 3

Grasp the light within my hand
Close it firmly so it hurts
My life is mine to change
Return to light, a foreign land
The blood flow, this heat diverts
These last two lines break the flow of how I was feeling too much. I'm not overly keen on them. This is a slightly less prominant verse overall and I feel it could be a bit better, or maybe totally changed. You of course need it to bulk up the song, but that could altered later on.

Chorus

In this darkness I rot
Living all that I've got
But I do hope than some day
I shall break away from here
That I shall smash all that I fear
I shall break away
Oh no! You've ruined the song! Apart from this gloriously simplicistic line, "But I do hope than some day", this was nowhere near as competant and devilish as the rest of this crackin' song. For a start, "smash" is overly dramatic. One of the main reasons why I loved this was how your perfect balance between dramatized theatrics and feelings and simple termanology seemed so emotional and real. This crossed the line though. "break away" is a a cool word but not in this context, it passed the line of cliche as well.

A bit clichéd perhaps, but it's good for an early piece I think



Apart from the last verse (and maybe the second last) this was a great song! Its just my style of reading and I envy the abilities you have. Tiffle around, tighten it, and this could possibly be my writing of the week - thats a personal thing though.

Digitally Clean
#11
Quote by ChemicalFire
... and...

It didn't need to be posted there, that's what I was getting at. This a is a thread about lyrics, not about Kelly Clarkson


lolz btw
#12
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Apart from the last verse (and maybe the second last) this was a great song! Its just my style of reading and I envy the abilities you have. Tiffle around, tighten it, and this could possibly be my writing of the week - thats a personal thing though.

Digitally Clean


Thanks for the great feed back. I have had similar comments about the chorus, I have meant to get round to fixing it, but haven't had a chance yet.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#13
Quote by ChemicalFire
C4c As always


VERSE 1

I’ve been sitting all alone
Dark and light, the endless war
I need to get away from here
The mind turning to bone
The shadow on the floor
Quite cliched, yes, but otherwise not bad. I think changing "turning" to "turns" suits the meter slightly better, IMO.
VERSE 2

Darkness closes inward
On a bird in a cage
One which wants the acid glow
On those the sun ignored;
In darkness the soul does age
Not bad, not spectacular. Still feels quite scene-setting somehow. The last line feels slightly too long, but it seems to be sorted by changing "darkness" for "the dark" (even though they're the same length :/

Verse 3

Grasp the light within my hand
Close it firmly so it hurts
My life is mine to change
Return to light, a foreign land
The blood flow, this heat diverts
My least favourite verse, but mainly because it's the last one. It all feels a bit unresolved somehow. The lyrical equivalent of ending on a diminished chord

Chorus

In this darkness I rot
Living all that I've got
But I do hope than some day
I shall break away from here
That I shall smash all that I fear
I shall break away
Not particularly strong, for a chorus. Particularly "hope". This is just me, but I don't like hopeful choruses for this sort of song, I like them to either be fatalistic and admit "we're royally ****ed", or be based on belief and determination - "I absolutely sodding well guarantee that some day I shall break away from here". Hope, IMO, means "maybe I can". Great lyrics are either "I can", or "I can't". Anyway, I've overanalysed that word now.
A bit clichéd perhaps, but it's good for an early piece I think


Overall, not bad. As I said, it doesn't feel like the whole story is told. In fact, if taken as-is, it feels like it can only really be a stand-alone track as the opener to a concept album.

As a general point, I'm not keen on 5 line stanzas. A good friend of mine, and professional singer-songwriter, said to me that odd line numbers "just don't work", and I'm inclined to agree with him. Don't bother changing it though, it'd be far too much effort.
#14
Quote by kenifh
Overall, not bad. As I said, it doesn't feel like the whole story is told. In fact, if taken as-is, it feels like it can only really be a stand-alone track as the opener to a concept album.


Well that parts fine lol, my band are just trying to get a EP done, nothing too coherent

Also I updated the first post with a few edits and a new chorus.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#17
I like these lyrics, especially the third verse, seems like i've been there before you know man? Seems almost like I wrote them myself, I like your style then. I think the beginning is slightly weak due to the clicheness of it but it makes up for it towards the end
#18
Quote by ChemicalFire
C4c As always


VERSE 1

I’ve been sitting all alone
Dark and light, the endless war
I need to get away from here
The mind turning to bone
The shadow on the floor Agreed on 'turns.' I think despite the cliches its ok except the last line, which is just too generic and hackneyed. hmmm..even a small change like 'The mind turns to bone/The shadow becomes floor' would spice it up a bit.

VERSE 2

Darkness closes inward
On a bird in a cage
One which wants the acid glow
On those the sun ignored;
The Dark the soul does age decent enough here, if you can make the flow in the melody

VERSE 3

Grasp the light within the hand
Close it firmly so it hurts
My life is mine to change
The dark dissolving into sand
My world the light converts best of the bunch

Chorus

All in the mind
The hope does shatter
This world you find
Wont make it better
I'll tell you one day
That to leave the darkness
You make your own way
You can't embrace the blackness I think this would sound very good in a song. The last line seems a bit strange, maybe darkness and blackness being so close as like a pseudo-rhyme. Could you put a word after blackness? This is lame, but something like 'You can't embrace the blackness insiiiiiide" or something? just a thought.

A bit clichéd perhaps, but it's good for an early piece I think


My thoughts are above, no point in writing more.