#1
This a song that I wrote today that I'm realllllly excited about. I haven't wrote a chorus, but I dont think that's incredibly important as far as the lyrics go. It's a story that I pictured in my mind very vividly. I'd really appreciate and feedback.


So now it seems I’ve got to spit out the air just to breathe.
I’ve been choking on smog ,ripping my eyes out to see
The way the landscape’s contorted, twisted around like a monster.
I’m looking for that girl, the one with black eyes, and the demons who haunt her.

So I just keep walking through all of the smoke and dust.
Stepping through the ruins of all that used to be us.
Past all the broken down houses and things that used to be bought.
But in the end it all comes down to nothing cause nothing is all that I’ve got.

I can hear your footsteps now just around the bend.
Oh how much I’ve wanted this longing to end.
And now I can finally see you,
and how your eyes burn into me, and then burn right on through.

Oh my, pretty little number
The least you could do is say goodbye.
I linger in the doorway
unsure of whether or not I died.
Do you know how
long it took to find you?
The least you could do is say goodbye.
#2
i can see how this would work into a song, and i like it!

"things that used to be bought"

that part bugged me a bit, to be honest. it seemed forced.

"And now I can finally see you,
and how your eyes burn into me, and then burn right on through."

i really like this part, but the beginning just seems out of place as it is so much shorter than everything surrounding it. maybe expand it a bit? unless its brevity is going to work into the song, in which case its all good.

not much else to say, im actually a pretty bad critic sorry

if you have spare time, let me know what you think of the two in my sig. on relish, read the one at the bottom, it has some changes.
#3
Quote by Solemn Silence
This a song that I wrote today that I'm realllllly excited about. I haven't wrote a chorus, but I dont think that's incredibly important as far as the lyrics go. It's a story that I pictured in my mind very vividly. I'd really appreciate and feedback.


So now it seems I’ve got to spit out the air just to breathe.
I’ve been choking on smog ,ripping my eyes out to see
The way the landscape’s contorted, twisted around like a monster.
I’m looking for that girl, the one with black eyes, and the demons who haunt her.

It took me a second to get the flow of this stanza cuz I just wanted to read it straight up...But the flow is good...great rhyming scheme and vocabulary is well done

So I just keep walking through all of the smoke and dust.
Stepping through the ruins of all that used to be us.
Past all the broken down houses and things that used to be bought.
But in the end it all comes down to nothing cause nothing is all that I’ve got.

Again nice stanza, good flow and rhyming

I can hear your footsteps now just around the bend.
Oh how much I’ve wanted this longing to end.
And now I can finally see you,
and how your eyes burn into me, and then burn right on through.

Good flow, but I really don't quite like the end of the last line ...and then burn right on through....

Oh my, pretty little number
The least you could do is say goodbye.
I linger in the doorway
unsure of whether or not I died.
Do you know how
long it took to find you?
The least you could do is say goodbye.

I don't like the repetition of the "The least you could do is say goodbye" You can redo line 2 of the stanza, cuz the last line makes a great ending...



I liked this piece, it was a great read and I look forward to seeing more of your work...
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!