#1
These are some lyrics I wrote. I'm happy with the first verse and chorus (though input is always welcome) but I'm having trouble with the second verse and on. I don't think the 2nd verse I've written flows that well. These deffently aren't my best lyrics but I need some help thanks UG. P.S Music is already written for the song.

Poison
Verse 1:
Skys open up.
Lights shine so bright.
You'll see me burn. And you'll tear down the night.
Dont stand a chance. You will do fine.
Our Usual dance, but on time.

Chorus:
Black and white. They shine so bright.
Right here here tonight. We dance with pois-on.
It feels so right. Engages us in this amazing sight.

Verse 2:
The blurred lights fall lower. The colours turn to grey.
The skies outside darken. As the band begins to play.
A faint glow of darkness. It shines out on this day.
The clock strikes clearer. Twenty third hour let them play.

Chorus:
Black and white. They shine so bright.
Right here here tonight. We dance with poison.
It feels so right. Engages us in this amazing sight.
Last edited by mack attack at Aug 2, 2008,
#2
honestly, i really like the 2nd verse. the chorus seems to have some issues with flowing, imo. having the word 'here' twice in a row seems like it would trip up the tongue if you tried to sing it. Also, in the 2nd half of the 5th line of V1, 'You will do fine' just doesn't seem to fit smoothly. Its a good concept, and I like the way its written. Keep up the good work .
Also, Crit for Crit? Mine's in my sig.
#4
Quote by mack attack
Poison
Verse 1:
Skys open up.
im just a nit-picky spelling *****. skies*
Lights shine so bright.
You'll see me burn. And you'll tear down the night.
Dont stand a chance. You will do fine.
those two statements contradict each other... not sure if that was intentional or not. also, i know "fine" is there to rhyme with "time," but the line sounds a bit off.
Our Usual dance, but on time.

Chorus:
Black and white. They shine so bright.
Right here here tonight. We dance with pois-on.
It feels so right. Engages us in this amazing sight.

Verse 2:
The blurred lights fall lower. The colours turn to grey.
The skies outside darken. As the band begins to play.
A faint glow of darkness. It shines out on this day.
The clock strikes clearer. Twenty third hour let them play.
i like this verse, actually. having all four lines rhyme can be a little repetitive-sounding, though.

Chorus:
Black and white. They shine so bright.
Right here here tonight. We dance with poison.
It feels so right. Engages us in this amazing sight.


overall it wasnt bad let me know what you think of "relish" [sig], and the other one too if you have extra time (its pretty short)