#1
meeh. dont like it.
c4c

i waved goodbye to time
while walking down the block.
i got to the lovers lounge,
a couple breaths from the bus stop.
i found the blue one goes downtown
the green one travels to the east
two thousand blinks passed by
as i flirted with my seat.
then, it stopped.

oh my, tonight will be the day
pacific coast will finally scream my name

tonight the clouds will sue the sky
as i scribble down my thoughts
on the back seat of a
policee car.
#2
i waved goodbye to time
while walking down the block.
i got to the lovers lounge,
a couple breaths from the bus stop.
^This line kinda ****s over the flow a lil bit.
i found the blue one goes downtown
the green one travels to the east
two thousand blinks passed by
as i flirted with my seat.
then, it stopped.
^Possibly a little explanation of why it stopped?

oh my, tonight will be the day
^contradictory, distracting from the purpose of the poem, maybe "tonight will be the night?" and the oh my just doesnt fit.
pacific coast will finally scream my name

tonight the clouds will sue the sky
as i scribble down my thoughts
on the back seat of a
policee car.
^How'd you get there? maybe i'm missing something in the poem, but it just doesnt connect in my brain. From deciding on a bus, to something about the Pacific coast, to a police car? idk. and the mispelled police distracts.

My opinion. Take it or leave it. c4c?
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
#3
Quote by cubs
meeh. dont like it.
c4c

i waved goodbye to time
while walking down the block.
i got to the lovers lounge,
a couple breaths from the bus stop.
like that line
i found the blue one goes downtown
the green one travels to the east
two thousand blinks passed by
as i flirted with my seat.
then, it stopped.

oh my, tonight will be the day
pacific coast will finally scream my name

tonight the clouds will sue the sky
as i scribble down my thoughts
on the back seat of a
policee car.


overall i enjoyed the poem, but i too was a bit confused as to how the speaker traveled from the bus to the police car. clear that up and youre all good to go. really liked the beginning in particular. crit "relish" [sig] and give the other one a peek if youve got the chance. c4c


btw the title tricked me. i was excited, i thought it was a poem in spanish
Last edited by Guitar_Poet at Aug 2, 2008,