#1
Sick Riffs and Deadly Sniffs

Get up on stage
Let your riffs flow
Fans will cheer you on
But oh they don't know
What's in your sould,
What you're all about;
You're addicted to snow
And there's no way out.

You wanna be cool,
Just like your ****in idols;
You wanna be like Sixx?
You wanna die too?
Well then **** bitch,
Someone ought to stab you.

You'll have the same chance
Of comin back
So why not take a chance?
So take a shot
To the back of the head,
Mother ****er you were once ill
Now your practically dead.


Now I know the title is pretty lame, rhyme scheme could use a little work, but this is basically just trying to get out of the slump I've been having a little trouble with writer's block. Crit would be sweet. Thanks.
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
Last edited by nugznbudz at Aug 2, 2008,
#3
thanks, i was looking for a way to make the reference more obscure and subtle and not like a shoutout, but nothing came to mind, any suggestions?
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
#4
kinda cheesy, like a 13 year old tryin to freestyle, but idk it might be awsome with some music behind it. just gotta put it in the right light you know? it might turn out sick
2/17/08 Kosova's independence!!!
#5
Quote by nugznbudz
Sick Riffs and Deadly Sniffs

Get up on stage
Let your riffs flow
Fans will cheer you on
But oh they don't know
What you're really doing before you come out
You're addicted to snow
And there's no way out.
not bad. "out" rhyming with "out" is a bit dull though.

You wanna be cool,
Just like your ****in idols;
You wanna be like Sixx?
You wanna die too?
Well then **** bitch,
Someone ought to stab you.
i know the word choice is all up to you, but i think saying "****" too many times in one verse gets a little repetitive. then again, its just such a dynamic word.... lol. id recommend coming up with a different word to express the same feeling, if possible.

You'll have the same chance
Of comin back
So why not take a chance?
So take a shot
To the back of the head,
Mother ****er you were once ill
Now your practically dead.
this works as an ending to it


although it was pretty blunt and a little bland, i know exactly what youre talking about/how you felt when you wrote this, haha. i like that.
#6
thanks for the constructive crits, i tweaked it a little bit. better?
Rock On HARDCORE

Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink