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#1
.. and runs up to the bartender and says "Give me 20 shots of your finest scotch whisky"
The bartender pours all the drinks and the man proceeds to drink them, really fast, one after another.
"Wow" said the bartender, "I've never seen anyone drink like that!"
"Well you would to if you had what ive got" replied the man.
"Oh are you ok, what do you have??" asked the bartender looking worried.
"Fifty cents!"
Quote by MoshPitRock
ANIMALS LIE DOWN.
that's just what they do.
there's probably humans doing the same thing.
quit being so paranoid.


#3
Quote by Teh_Asian_Pro
.. and runs up to the bartender and says "Give me 20 shots of your finest scotch whisky"
The bartender pours all the drinks and the man proceeds to drink them, really fast, one after another.
"Wow" said the bartender, "I've never seen anyone drink like that!"
"Well you would to if you had what ive got" replied the man.
"Oh are you ok, what do you have??" asked the bartender looking worried.
"Fifty cents!"



woah be careful with that joke its an antique!

that is so old!!!!
#4
Ohhh, i get it.
Quote by atr5557
i just got the boss mt-2 metal zone pedal today. i got the adapter for it but how do i know if its charging?
#5
Quote by JessMess
woah be careful with that joke its an antique!

that is so old!!!!


it has a longer beard than bin laden
Dean ML79F w/ Dimarzio X2N
Peavey Star
Fender Sonoran
Fender CD 140S12

Quote by Jastul
if you want it to sound really dirty just rub some dirt on your amp...
#6
a dyslectic guy walks into a bra

*dum dum tischhh*


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Last edited by noxiosimitator at Aug 2, 2008,
#8
Quote by rigiddigits
Oh, the irony.





Wow. Was this post serious?
sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#9
Quote by JohnnyGenzale


Wow. Was this post serious?
It depends whether he thinks dyslectic is the right spelling
#10
Quote by rigiddigits
It depends whether he thinks dyslectic is the right spelling



Hm, how is it spelled then?
sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#11
Passion Before Fashion

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Ibanez S470DQXM
Amp Fund 0/300
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#12
Quote by rigiddigits
It depends whether he thinks dyslectic is the right spelling


Noun 1. dyslectic - a person who has dyslexia
individual, mortal, person, somebody, someone, soul - a human being; "there was too much for one person to do"
Adj. 1. dyslectic - having impaired ability to comprehend written words usually associated with a neurologic disorder
dyslexic
impaired - diminished in strength, quality, or utility; "impaired eyesight"
Based on WordNet 3.0, Farlex clipart collection. © 2003-2008 Princeton University, Farlex Inc.

you better not be from England ..


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Last edited by noxiosimitator at Aug 2, 2008,
#13
Two guys walk into a bar. After a while, one of them is very drunk and says to the other "I screwed your mom last night. I rode her for hours." And the other guy replies "Ok dad."

Fail?
#14
Quote by OffDayTYA!
Two guys walk into a bar. After a while, one of them is very drunk and says to the other "I screwed your mom last night. I rode her for hours." And the other guy replies "Ok dad."

Fail?



yes, you fail
#15
Quote by OffDayTYA!
Two guys walk into a bar. After a while, one of them is very drunk and says to the other "I screwed your mom last night. I rode her for hours." And the other guy replies "Ok dad."

Fail?


Oh my god, that was mega fail. Did you make that up yourself?
11223344554433

has no signature.
#16
Quote by noxiosimitator
Noun 1. dyslectic - a person who has dyslexia
individual, mortal, person, somebody, someone, soul - a human being; "there was too much for one person to do"
Adj. 1. dyslectic - having impaired ability to comprehend written words usually associated with a neurologic disorder
dyslexic
impaired - diminished in strength, quality, or utility; "impaired eyesight"
Based on WordNet 3.0, Farlex clipart collection. © 2003-2008 Princeton University, Farlex Inc.

you better not be from England ..
Huh. Guess it's a US variant then http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dyslexic
#17
A man walks into a bar, very sad looking and sits down and orders a drink. After 3 drinks a woman comes and sits down to him also looking sad. So the man asks "What are you so down about?"
She replies "My husband left me because he thought I was too kinky."
"Whoa! My wife left me because she thought I was too kinky!"

So they get talking and eventually the woman says to the man "Hey we haev a little in common, whaddya say we go back to my place for a little?"
"Sure, sounds good", said the man.

When they get there the woman goes to her bedroom, to "change into something more comfortable"
When she comes out she is wearing tall boots, tight latex clothing etc. She catches the man on his way out the door, and hpoing to have a good time she exclaims "Hey where are you going?!"
"Well, I fucked your dog and shat in your bed, so im off"


fail?
Quote by MoshPitRock
ANIMALS LIE DOWN.
that's just what they do.
there's probably humans doing the same thing.
quit being so paranoid.


#18
A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks "Why the long face?"


the horse replies "I have herpes"
Quote by IncubusMan999
donkey the wise, very good

Quote by Metal_Rich
Living up to your name!


Currently searching for more ego padding quotes.

Me in pit = me being bored. Any help is much appreciated.
#20
donkey the wise, very good

A man walks into a bar and says 'ow!'

A rabbi, a priest and a sheikh walk a abr and the barman says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A man walks into a bar and sits down at the bar. Eventually, this guy comes and sits next to him and says "I'll have a magic beer, barman".
Curiosity prevailed and the guy asked "What the hell is a magic beer?".
The guy who ordered it answers while he drinks his drink, 'This beer enables me to jump out the window, fly around the building and come back safely".
Our hero thinks "What, that must be bull****, go on then, I wanna see you do this" so the guy does just as he said he would, he jumps out the window, flies around the building and lands on the window ledge with a bow.
Figuring this must be an alcohol-induced hallucination, he asks him to do it again and he pulls it off spectacularly, so our hero turns and says "A magic beer, please", downs it in one, jumps out the window and falls to his death instantly
The barman turns to the guy who flew and says "You are such a dick when you are pissed Superman".
Quote by dannyniceboy
I consider myself to be really intelligent and I've gotten into a fight coz this kid thought it was nasty to put sour cream on enchiladas.


Quote by Minkaro
The fact that I went TOO high singing a Darkness song on Singstar


DARK RED TEAM
#21
A Grasshopper walks into a bar & the barman says hey we have a drink named after you, The Grasshopper said what you've got a drink called Eric!?
Two Blondes walk into a bar, You think one of them would have seen it!
Two Baby seals walk into a club..........
Quote by Spoony_Bard
Dude I got these strings the other day that couldn't be tuned to higher than 4 octaves below middle C then I realized that they were shoelaces and they weren't making any sound at all.
#22
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face"......

that is so lame
( . Y . )
#23
An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer.

Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, "That's disgusting."

The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.

The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD."
#24
A short guy is sat at a bar, when a real big guy approaches him and taps him on the shoulder and smacks him in the mouth.

"That was a Karate punch"

Confused and slightly pissed of is the short guy, shrugs it off and orders another pint. Halfway through that pint the big guy approaches, taps him on the shoulder and smacks him in the mouth again, and says,

"That was a Tae Kwon Do punch"

The short guy is real pissed now, finishes his pint and storms out the bar.

He returns to the bar an hour later to see the big guy sat at the bar, so he walks over and taps him on the shoulder and knocks him clean out. He looks at the bar tender and says

"when he comes too, tell him that that was a shovel from Homebase"
#25
Quote by Abe Knuckleball
An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer.

Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, "That's disgusting."

The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.

The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD."


Quote by Fishyesque
Well, you might make her think otherwise.

You could just show her that you have a PS3 and BANG.

Heterosexual.


Quote by metal4all
A chainsaw can take a girl off her feet pretty nicely. Then there are less limbs to worry about while you rape her.
#26
hahaha!! that did actually make me laugh
BEAT IT, BUT NOT IN FRONT OF CHILDREN YOU DIRTY C***!-Mel Gimpsuit
#27
Quote by donkey the wise
A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks "Why the long face?"


the horse replies "I have herpes"


Oh my God .

Two guys and a dog walk into a bar...

"ouch"
"ouch"
"woof"
May the Force be with You.
Carmel is hawt
#28
a man walks into a bar, grabs the nearest empy glass and starts taking a long piss into it, the bartender asks "what the **** are you doing asshole??" the man just looks at him and goes "i want a refund"


just made that up like 2 minutes ago so dont expect it to be good
The Mitch Clem formula
1)make jokes about rancid and NOFX (as if they dont already make fun of themselves)
2)make obvious punk puns, possibly related to food
3)make fun of Rancid and NOFX again
4)??????
5)PROFIT (and an army of internet fanboys)
#29
A man walks into a bar, and he sits down. He says to a bartender in a mean voice, "give me a beer before trouble starts!"
So the bartender gives him a beer, and he drinks it.
The man says again, "give me a beer before trouble starts," and the bartender gives him a beer.
This goes on until finally for the 8th time the man says "give me a beer before trouble starts!"
The bartender gives him and beer, and then asks,
"so when are you going to start paying for these beers?"
The man replies, "ah! now the trouble starts!"


Like podcasts? Listen to these!
BEER!
VIDEO GAMES!
MOVIES/GEEKY SHIT!

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Last edited by zappp : Today at 4:20 PM. Reason: Suck on my balls, UG
#32
Quote by Colgate Total
A man walks into a bar, and he sits down. He says to a bartender in a mean voice, "give me a beer before trouble starts!"
So the bartender gives him a beer, and he drinks it.
The man says again, "give me a beer before trouble starts," and the bartender gives him a beer.
This goes on until finally for the 8th time the man says "give me a beer before trouble starts!"
The bartender gives him and beer, and then asks,
"so when are you going to start paying for these beers?"
The man replies, "ah! now the trouble starts!"







I lol'd heartily.
My Last.fm

Quote by \Powerslave/
HelloHalo, I love you.


WHO SEND ALL THESE BABIES TO FIGHT?
#33
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer, then he looks up and notices there are two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He says to the barman "Hey, what's with the pieces of meat?" The barman replies "Well, it's a challenge. You jump up as high as you can and try to touch them. If you do, you get free drinks all night, if you don't you have to buy a round for the entire bar, you want a go?" The customer replies "No thanks, the stakes are too high."
#34
So this guys walks into a bar with a big grin on his face. He sits down and tells the bartender to get him a shot of the good stuff to celebrate. The bartender pours him one and asks what he's celebrating. "My first blowjob!",says the man. He drinks that one down and asks for another, the bartender gives it to him. When he asks for a third the bartender says, "so, your first blowjob, huh?". The man says,"Yep, hopefully this round will get rid of the taste!"
Quote by Burpin'Worm
1fine69's car is bloody gorgeous.
#35
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, could I have a drink please?"

Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"

"Could I please have a drink?"

"What? You have to speak up!"

"Could I please have a drink?"

"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

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Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar? She heard there were drinks on the house.

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
SEX!

Now I have your attention, witness the awesomeness that is my sig
__________________

Quote by GuitarManDan15
win

__________________

Free Dean V To Loving Home
#36
A man walks into a bar with a dog.

He goes up to the bartender and says "I bet you £20 quid my dog can answer any three questions you have for him"

The bartender looks at the dog then agrees to the bet.

He starts by humouring the man asking "What is the outside of a tree called?" the dog replies "bark!" and the bartender says "fair enough, one down. What is the the top of a house called?" the dog replies "Ruff!" and the bartender laughs.

"one more to go" he says "Who missed his penalty for England in the semi finals of Euro 96?"

The dog replies "Bark!"

The dogs owner hands over the money and with his head hung in shame leads his dog out of the bar, just as they reach the door the dog looks back to the bartender and opens his mouth

"**** it was Gareth Southgate wasn't it?"
#37
Quote by kaptink
A man walks into a bar with a dog.

He goes up to the bartender and says "I bet you £20 quid my dog can answer any three questions you have for him"

The bartender looks at the dog then agrees to the bet.

He starts by humouring the man asking "What is the outside of a tree called?" the dog replies "bark!" and the bartender says "fair enough, one down. What is the the top of a house called?" the dog replies "Ruff!" and the bartender laughs.

"one more to go" he says "Who missed his penalty for England in the semi finals of Euro 96?"

The dog replies "Bark!"

The dogs owner hands over the money and with his head hung in shame leads his dog out of the bar, just as they reach the door the dog looks back to the bartender and opens his mouth

"fuck it was Gareth Southgate wasn't it?"


Best one so far
#38
Quote by blynd_snyper
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer, then he looks up and notices there are two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He says to the barman "Hey, what's with the pieces of meat?" The barman replies "Well, it's a challenge. You jump up as high as you can and try to touch them. If you do, you get free drinks all night, if you don't you have to buy a round for the entire bar, you want a go?" The customer replies "No thanks, the stakes are too high."




A man is drinking with his mates when he gets up, places a glass on the pool table, and says to the barman "I bet you £50 I can piss into that glass from here and not get a drop of it on the pool table". The barman thinks about it and says "Okay, you're on". The man proceeds to piss all over the pool table, all over the barman, and all over the whole building. The barman says "That was rubbish, come on, £50". So the man payed up and went back to sit with his friends, where the barman sees them each give him £50. He went over to ask what that was all about, and the man replied "I bet each of my mates £50 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be happy about it".
#39
Quote by donkey the wise
A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks "Why the long face?"


the horse replies "I have herpes"

#40
A woman walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder. The bartender looks at her and says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
"It's not a dog... it's a parrot"
"I wasn't talking to you!"
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